Moving into a new home this summer has provided me with ample opportunities to have discussions with new friends about our family and my kids. Ultimately, someone will ask something about a physical feature and if their sibling shares it or who they get it from. When I tell them that both of my kids are adopted an amazing discussion follows. It always ends with similar comments of how amazing our stories are or how incredible it is.

What makes this different for me from many of my adoptive mom friends, is that there are no outside cues that my kids are adopted. And believe me, this changes the dynamics significantly. The immediate curiosity about their origins isn’t there because they don’t have different colored skin or ethnic traits. My husband and I don’t fit the mold that many people have in their heads of what adoptive parents look like or how old they are. Consequently, the first reaction I get is one of curiosity about the process of adoption.

Without fail, the first and biggest misconception about adoption is a fear that the birthparents would one day change their mind.

I can’t wrap my brain around how bizarre life would be if this were the case, so in this way I can see why the word adoption brings a “deer in the headlights” look. When I explain that once a birthparent has voluntarily (or involuntarily per state law requirements), terminated their parental rights legally there is no recourse, a look of relief sweeps over their face. I then have to explain that each state has jurisdiction over the laws governing adoption in their state. For example, in Arkansas where our daughter was born, both birthparents were able to sign the relinquishment papers before the birth, but they didn’t take legal affect until the 10 day grace period following birth. In Idaho, our son’s birthmother had to physically appear before a judge to sign off her parental rights. This took more like a week and a half because of scheduling problems. But you get the idea of how different laws can be from state to state. This is the time of worry and stress, but it ends with the legal termination of parental rights. Families can choose to shield themselves from this stage by having the baby placed in a foster home until all the paperwork is completed, or they can do legal risk foster care. The first protects your heartstrings, the second eliminates completely the waiting to be with the baby. But there is a choice for everyone.

Now that conversation is rolling and they can feel my comfort talking about it, an awkward hesitation and stumbling over words leads to the second biggest question/concern - “Does my daughter know?”

This is an old school perception but one that makes sense given the history of adoption. Years ago, it was the agency or attorney who matched a family to a child and all the records were closed. Essentially, neither adoptive nor birth parents were allowed to know anything about each other. Today, birthmothers choose the family they want for their unborn child and both parties have the opportunity to set up whatever level of correspondence and open or closed aspects they want in their adoption relationship. The feeling of old school adoption was to control information, which basically translated to not telling a child they were adopted or waiting for a specific time. While some may still feel this need for control, I am of the belief and opinion that there is nothing secret or wrong about the way our family was formed. It is what it is and it’s part of our life. I never want either of my kids to be able to pinpoint a day or time in their lives when they “found out.” Good grief, can you imagine what that would do? First of all it would likely happen during the very tough teen years when you’re desperately trying to secure your own identity and place in the world. Personally, this would put me in a tailspin leading me to wonder what else about myself I didn’t know. No, my kids have grown with the knowledge of their adoption. It’s just part of who they are and of our family. It’s not a one time moment of teaching either. They grasp and understand different aspects at different times. It’s a constant process like any aspect of parenting and teaching. Like when we met our daughter’s birthmother again when she was almost 4, she knew she was going to see our special friend. Friends and special were things she understood at this age. It created a foundation so that when she was ready to grasp more a little while later she learned the reason why she was our special friend. And at this time she could understand what a birthmother was because she now had a reference. The story of how this came about was really fun for us both and one that’s worthy of it’s own post so I’ll keep it for another day.

When I got home I instant messaged my daughter’s bmom. Rather than describe our relationship I think it’s self explanatory. Here’s how it went:

Holly says: hey stranger!
southern gurl says: hello
Holly says: I had a fun visit this morning about us and adoption
Holly says: always amazes me how many people still have so many misconceptions about adoption
southern gurl says:and you
Holly says: how are you?
southern gurl says: i have another interview on friday…. keep me in your prayers
Holly says: I will!
southern gurl says: sweet
Holly says: this gal asked me if I don’t worry that you’ll come take Cid back
Holly says: ROFL
southern gurl says: oh yes i am on my way right now to get her, rofl
Holly says: I told her nah - I’m considering shipping her off some days.
southern gurl says: lol
Holly says: just blows my mind
Holly says: then it was ’so does Cid KNOW?’
Holly says: I’m like - dugh!
Holly says: Why wouldn’t she?
Holly says: lol
southern gurl says:lol
Holly says: Then I had to explain what a half sibling was. . . ROFL I kept thinking I’d fallen into a black hole or something
southern gurl says: lol
Holly says: it was very funny
Holly says: I think I’ll just start referring to you as my sister.
Holly says: LOL
southern gurl says: ROFL

This is the type of chat I’d have with any of my sisters. A short reference about something we are both connected to with some personal events tied in. Some days I know more about her and her life than I do about my siblings because they’re not online! LOL Seriously though, she is one of my closest and dearest friends.

Another day I’ll share more of our spine tingling experiences with both of our adoptions. They really are amazing from beginning to current state. For today I’ll just leave it at this in hopes that someone somewhere may read it and nod their head saying, “Good to know.”

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