I have so many things to be thankful for, but at the top of my list today is my gratitude for the ability to learn and grow. As I reflect on wisdom gained over my life, I am profoundly grateful for this simple, beautiful gift. In fact, I shudder to consider how incomplete and shallow my life would be without it.

15 years ago I believed the way to build a family was through the natural process of conception between husband and wife. Today my eyes are much wider, recognizing that while this may still be the most common, it is far from the only way to build a loving family. Further, there is no “right” way for everyone in matters of the heart.

15 years ago I knew so little about adoption. I was fed by the workers in our agency and much of it was a lot of fear about information and privacy. When we adopted our daughter in 1997 the new wave of open adoption was just beginning to really pick up visibility. I remember being totally surprised when our worker told us our birthmother’s name was Monica - I’m sure I gasped. He quickly followed up that it was a new guideline to allow knowledge of first names and she also knew our names were Blake and Holly. I wasn’t sure I’d want to meet her, thankfully her worker reported that she had the same reservations in the beginning. But with three months before the birth of our daughter to get to know each other, and with letters as wonderful as the first, it was an easy thing to grow into.

However, the anxieties going into that meeting were intense. What to wear, what to say - more importantly what not to say, what it would be like, would she like us, etc., etc., etc. There was a social worker and an agency volunteer present to ensure privacy was maintained and to help things go smoothly. Once we made it past the initial meeting and awkwardness, conversation began to flow. We also met her parents that day. The only time I remember a sense of concern was when the volunteer asked where my husband had attended college, knowing this would give some indication of where we lived. He looked at the worker and asked if he could answer reminding him it was a thousand miles from home to which he was told yes. They now knew he graduated from ASU. By the end of the meeting, there was actually a desire growing to know more about each other and I remember Monica’s father asking if he could have an e-mail address that he might let us know when she went into labor. The worker tactfully replied that he’d have to check on that and for now all things had to go through him. It was an interesting destination at meetings end, considering the concerns going into it. I remember Monica’s last words being how she wished so much that we could be with her one day when she was married. I couldn’t help but think how much growth and learning took place in such a short time. We went into this with fear and uncertainty and emerged with love and desire to get to know more, not less, about them. Fear was replaced with security, reservation with love.

Fast forward nearly four years. Her worker had told her about a site she should check out that led her to sending me an e-mail. Now I was torn with a decision. The agency, who was still involved, had stripped her header information but as we owned the site the message and e-mail address in it’s entirety were sitting in our database. The agency said we could e-mail each other but only once a year as per the guidelines at the time of our placement. To say I was deeply bummed would be a major understatement. So, do I send her an e-mail directly, bypassing the agency and their ridiculous guidelines or would that be a breach on my part and make her totally uncomfortable? I worked on a reply for two weeks. I prayed, fasted, tweaked, prayed some more and generally worried about whether or not to send it. And then a strange thing happened. I contracted some bizarre illness - and my life turned upside down. With no notice I was unable to walk. I spent my days sitting on my couch with my legs propped up over pillows on my piano bench, trying to explain to my delightful and very active 3 year old that mommy’s legs weren’t working quite right at her countless attempts to get me to play with her. I realized that life was too uncertain to waste a moment. I hooked up my laptop, and hit send.

Ten minutes later the phone rang. It was Monica. She said she’d been trying to call me for the past 3 days and couldn’t do it. When she saw my e-mail she said it was an answer to prayers and she knew it would be okay. She said three months earlier she wasn’t ready, but she felt the Lord had been preparing her for this and now she was ready. Further she told me of a dream she’d had of me sitting with my legs propped up. I cried as I told her that was the exact position I was in and had been in for two weeks now. She had moved from Arkansas to Utah earlier that year and she met me and my sister a few weeks later in Salt Lake City after some tests at the University of Utah for me. One month later we would all meet again for the first time since placement. Beautiful is another understatement of that experience. And the cherry on top is that within a couple months she was getting married and guess who was with her? Yup, that’s growth, learning and miracles in my book.

Moreover, the incredible experience of opening our daughter’s adoption paved the way for our son’s, which would come nearly five years after our first adoption and with only 3 days not 3 months notice. Without our experience and growth in adoption and openness, I am confident that his adoption would not have been possible. And ironically, at the same age as Cidnie, he also met his birthmother and her family for the first time since birth.

And so it is, we learn line up line, precept upon precept. How grateful and thankful I am for this gift of learning and growing. How grateful I am for the ability to extend our family circle to encompass two additional and incredible families. For the ability and opportunity to write this letter of response to my son’s sweet birth grandmother yesterday:

“Oh M thank you so much. We are staying here for the holidays this year. My parents are leaving this Friday to spend the Thanksgiving week with us here so we will have family, which will be nice. The kids have been on the countdown to their arrival for a few weeks now and can’t wait to see them. It’s the first time they’ll have been down since we moved into our new home and I’m excited too! If we were coming home there would be no question that we would want to come see all of you! We have such fond memories of our time with all of you.

Thank you SO much for the family picture. When I read Taylor D’s note he kept saying “He my friend” and how much he loved him. I printed out the picture and Taylor taped it (almost more tape than paper! LOL) up on my kitchen island at his height. He must have kissed you all a dozen times before school yesterday! It was so precious.

Today as I dropped him off at preschool a grandfather of another classmate commented on his beautiful blue eyes and happy disposition. He kept shaking his head repeating, “He sure is a happy little fellow isn’t he?” And it’s wonderful to say that he is like this all the time - the first two years were a little rough for him but it was like he found a switch and he’s been the most content, secure and happy little button ever since. He is such a sweet, caring and special little boy. Everyone who meets him loves him. This grandfather asked me if the blue eyes came from mom or dad and I smiled and said he is one very special little guy and although you wouldn’t know it to look at him, he is one quarter Chilean! And in case I haven’t mentioned it before, can I just tell you how wonderful this is to me? I love so much the diversity of his background and hope he will grow to honor, love and want to understand it.

Thanks again for thinking of us and for writing. I dearly love to hear from you.

–
Hugs,
Holly”

Yes, today I reflect on the ability to make such a journey of the heart. I rejoice in this precious gift to learn and to grow and I send thanks to a loving Father in Heaven who makes it all possible.

Two days for which I am profoundly thankful:

Adoption Reunion I
Adoption Reunion II

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