The Power of How
It occurs to me that we often miss the power behind the simple word how. I’m convinced that it’s not WHAT we say so much as HOW we say it. For example, I can share dread with a household chore in the way I solicit help and instruction making the entire ordeal an unpleasant battle, or if I’m in a good mood I can Mary-Poppins my kids into cleaning with smiles on their faces, convinced that everything we’re doing is some kind of game. The only thing that changed was the delivery of the message.
Last week my husband had an experience that he described to me as “getting kicked” (and it wasn’t the 4 year old’s accidental punch to the groin a few days earlier that he was talking about.) It wasn’t really what was said, but how it was said. Criticism can be a good tool to learn and grow from, and people can actually embrace it when it’s delivered well. But I am continually astounded at how many people lack this skill. Do they just think it’s unnecessary, that they are somehow above the need for tact and communication skills? Or have they just never stopped for two seconds to realize they need some polishing on it? In my husband’s case, he had ample evidence to the contrary of the negative feedback he received and it should have been the necessary balance to keep from weighing him down. But the experience was as emotionally crushing as my son’s accidental physical blow that sent him to the floor. He was unable to shake the gloom and negative air and I believe it was because of how the message was delivered.
What makes me different is my response to such experiences. I’ll be the first to admit that if I feel attacked in the approach I will immediately get defensive. I’ll come back fighting and ultimately there will be little recourse from that point on. It’s a simple truth that negative begets negative but that means the same is true of positive. So I just can’t help but wonder if more often than not, we miss the forest for the tree. Too bad there isn’t a life requirement to master the skill before being unleashed on society.
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Amen. The therapist that my daughter and I see, has been working with me to help Ashlyn understand the subtle and not-so-subtle differences between assertive and aggressive. It really is hard to put into words, even though the counselor and I both understand it very well.
Ashlyn, while a very caring and sympathetic character, is very straight-forward and sometimes lacks that inner voice that restrains you from not using the right amount of tact. Fortunately (?), it’s usually me that gets the most of that tactlessness. And I’ve apparently said it enough to her that she’ll say it with me when I start to remind her, “It not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.” Though, when she says it, it’s laced with a bit of teenage sarcasm. LOL
I was once told the teenage years are the “cat” years when your child changes from the adorable puppy to the more independent and opinionated critter. LOL Those years it’s hard for them to see that you don’t have to declare war to gain independence. I know I probably had enough sarcasm as a teen for at least a dozen people. ;o)
Comment by tiggerprr — January 31, 2007 @ 11:03 am
Thought provoking post.Criticism is not easy to accept, but we can grow from it.
Absolutely, especially if given in a pleasing way. ;o)
Comment by Rose — January 31, 2007 @ 12:33 pm
I agree, that’s why I try to be positive. I have 30 some years of experience with negative thinking, where has it gotten me emotionally. I don’t always succeed, and sometimes according to my Positivity Gantt chart I have only partially succeeded :O) (seriously love that idea), but I try.
Hee hee - Gantt chart…it is a cool concept hugh? Yeah, I hear you on the negative and power moreover because negative screams and is so darn easy and positive whispers and takes work!
Comment by Mary (Mert) — January 31, 2007 @ 1:07 pm
How (Sweet) true it is—how we say it not what we say…. Brilliant Holly
Group Hug for the lady!
Ed
Ah, now that’s cyber love at it’s best…group hug all around!! ;o)
Comment by Ed Reif — January 31, 2007 @ 1:08 pm