Are there any secrets? Well statistically speaking there must be because the number of people happily married for more than a few weeks these days seems to vastly outweigh those who have enjoyed many a happy year together. And so when I was recently asked what the secret was to being happy for so long with one man in my life I began reflecting to find answers.

According to Technorati, it’s been 135 days since I blogged about this topic - at least at this level: Why Marriage Is Like Computers (There’s a new way to track time for you and yet another great use for Technorati. *wink*) It put a lot of my thoughts on marriage into a life comparison. But it’s something I think about every day.

So here’s a deeper look at my marriage and what I’ve learned along the way. I guess the reader will have to determine if it’s a secret or not.

1. There is no finish line.

The biggest mistake I think people make is to assume that there is a point where things are safe and secure - finished, so to speak. The mentality of “Now that I’ve got my man (or woman), I don’t have to (fill in the blank) anymore.” Whether it’s as simple as no longer trying to look, dress or smell nice or as big as letting yourself go physically so as to become unrecognizable to the person in the marriage photo, this very mentality is a sure way to displace the very security you think you’ve achieved. And on a deeper note, just because you worked through something once doesn’t mean you’ve mastered it and never have to worry about it again. You don’t master personality traits and characteristics, you develop them. That means continual action, attention and effort. There is no check box for completion in the marriage or relationship to do list, there is only progress to be measured over periods of time. Every aspect be it physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, psychological, etc., etc., etc. never dies, it is alive and dynamic - thus it is never done.

2. It’s not about ME - Marriage flips it over making it about WE

This is probably the simplest aspect of any great relationship and thus the hardest to implement. Being selfish is the instigator of grief and pain. Simply listening to yourself in argument or justification mode will expose this ugly beast. The flipside of the negative aspect of how easy it is to succomb to being selfish and the damage it creates is how easy it is to remedy and nurture a relationship. Simply thinking of your spouse first has the power to positively alter your actions and reactions. When those actions align with the thought of putting someone ahead of you in the pecking order a whole new world opens up. If you make everything about you, your wants, your needs, your hurts, etc. you will wind up having only yourself to complain to. In my marriage I have found that not only is this attitude reciprocated, it is self-regulating as well. Things that came up in the past are no longer an issue, even if the potential is still there. In short, you have to learn how to flip things when they go upside down.

While I can’t define a time when my marriage was rocky, there is a point when both my husband and I can define when our marriage was weakest. It was in our 6-7th year of marriage. We had endured one of the hardest trials together of trying to become parents. We weathered the storm and we had been blessed with a daughter that we both loved and adored. When she was about a year old it seemed to climax to the point of many discussions about what was bugging each of us. What we found was that we’d both allowed things to come between us and neither of us liked it. He shared how I made him feel like he couldn’t win because I was always bringing up how much time he spent at the office no matter what he tried or how he explained things. I told him I felt like I could be replaced by a maid and nothing I did seemed to be of value to him, and for the first time in my married life I began to question his feelings of love for me. The revelation to both of us that day was monumental and we were both stunned to find out the other one was feeling so devalued. The key was that we recognized how the other person was feeling and I saw how I’d made myself and MY feelings more important than his. I vowed to change that.

Today the same scenarios are present. He still has to balance work with family time and I still have to balance daily household chores and mothering with being a spouse but today it is easy. Answers seem to present themselves daily and what might have become a mountain several years ago never make it past a mole hill now, in fact it rarely even has potential to exist at all. Today we compliment each other constantly about what the other does for our marriage and family, we’ve both become more aware of what the other guy contributes, feels and wants. Consequently, we want to do all the right and best things for each other. Not because we have to, but because we really want to. Loving each other put the strength and focus back into the ‘WE’ of marriage. In short, we learned how to starve the problems and feed the solutions. Consequently our marriage has been nurtured and strengthened in incomprehensible ways and we are enjoying the bounteous harvest and fruits of our labors because the weeds never got what they needed to take over. What you feed is what grows.

That’s it - basically two major things that I’ve learned in the past 15 years that have made a world of difference. Today my marriage is at its strongest and tomorrow it will be stronger still. What have you learned?

Related articles:
What Made Me Fall For Him
Who ‘Ya Gonna Call?

Technorati Tags:
Sharing Emotions Positive Impact Potential Relationships Marriage