Things Lost
I am generally an optimist. I like to see the glass as half full, find solutions to problems, give the benefit of the doubt, etc. I’ve even had the occasional comment about my looking at the world through rose colored glasses. It’s true to a large degree because I think you find what you’re looking for. Negative is free and in abundance, it screams while positive whispers. Yet positive is there too and I find its whisper carries more power than the loudest negative.
This morning I’m struggling because I’ve just been enveloped in negative behavior that has me really concerned. Of all the things lost in today’s world, I am mourning the family unit and proper care and nurturing of children.
The world is a busy and loud place. All around us are demands on our time and senses. Society screams the “me” factor and in the recent generations of parents I fear that we will see this have a major impact on the upcoming generations and not for the better. I am seeing more and more parents sacrifice what matters most, even their own responsibilities much of the time, for a variety of reasons of which selfishness is too often at the center. Parents are largely finding other sources to take over the responsibility for raising their children to meet their own personal agendas and obligations. But what on this earth could possibly be more important than your responsibility to your own children? No one can replace you and there is no substitute adequate to fill the shoes of mom and dad. Parenting is so much more than putting food in your child’s mouth, clothes on their backs and entertainment items to enjoy. Yes, careers and income are important but the day will come when both of those are no longer the key players in your life. You will be left with your posterity and you will then either find joy or pain in your new surroundings. There is so much truth to the words of the famous song about the busy father who couldn’t find time for his son who learned the hard way the lesson he taught – in his old age when he was the one who wanted to spend time together the son would not have time for him. Our children are learning what we’re teaching by our actions, even if we don’t realize we’re teaching.
It’s the little decisions that will have the deepest impact on the lives of our children. Ultimately it will boil down to the many times when you were trying to balance meeting your current obligations with the needs of your kids. I am so saddened by how many parents choose to look for outside sources and ways to accommodate meeting their children’s needs instead of finding ways to cut back their obligations and personal agendas so that they can attend to those precious needs themselves. What a high price to pay.
All these thoughts have started with reflection on recent events - more specifically, having other children at or in my home for play dates and care. I am deeply troubled by much of what I see and the strength of changes in such a short period of time. In only one generation I see marked differences that I believe are negative. I can’t imagine the impact of another generation based on these changes.
When I was a child, I understood respect. When my parents or another adult gave an answer that was the end of it, I didn’t question or argue with the adult. When I was a visitor in another’s home I understood basic rules of common courtesy which included not breaking or destroying another’s property, receiving what was offered graciously and not making special requests for food or snacks, following the rules of the house I was a visitor in and doing what I was told by the adult in charge.
Today I see the opposite of almost all these basic rules on a daily basis. I see children who question and argue authority and instructions from other parents and leaders all the time. I see indignation and hostility without justification. I personally have experienced the defiance of having neighbor children completely disregard something I said, including not going into my home. In fact, when I tell my children in front of their friends the answers to a request I almost always get instant rebuttal and questioning from the friends – not my own kids! They will question why my answer is what it is and make attempts to negotiate or change it. They will tell me bold face lies even though they know I just witnessed whatever they are lying about. They invite themselves to play and eat at my house. Basic common courtesy and respect are completely foreign to them.
I see children left to their own devices for hours on end with parents never knowing where they are. I’ve had parents and siblings call or stop by when it gets dark asking if kids are at my house. When I reply no I can’t help but think about how much it would freak me out to not know exactly where my kids are 100% of the time. I know I’m overprotective, but my kids don’t play out front without me sitting out there watching them. They know I prefer play dates at my home where I can watch them. They know they are not to go into anyone else’s home or backyard with my express permission and only after a confirmed invitation and a time expectation set. They are constantly told to be respectful and follow the basic rules of visitor that I was taught as a child. They are the minority.
In all the things we are losing in today’s world and society, let us not lose the most precious and important role of good parenting. Children are not an inconvenience to be tolerated while our personal lives and agendas are disrupted by their needs. They are precious gifts for which we are responsible and given a charge to raise, care for, love and nurture. We need to know where our kids are and what they’re doing. They should never be left for hours at a time on their own to wander the neighborhood. We shouldn’t assume that just because one responsible parent is out watching their own children play that they can or should watch ours too. We shouldn’t be looking for ways to outsource the needs of our kids. They need to know that they are our top priority and that means showing them on a daily basis that truth because WE are the ones meeting their needs and requirements. I worry about a world where the virtue of good, loving and responsible parent is sacrificed and the consequences of that sacrifice.
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You are so right in your observations. Yesterday I was training in a section of the lab with a 20 something woman who has a 4 month baby. She will be working evenings, but has no day care set up yet since she just moved here and is only working days to train. Her baby is staying with her mother in law, which she doesn’t like but this girl’s husband told her to let the baby stay there a few more days so she won’t be home on his birthday. I was like what????? Is this a child of convenience for you? But I kept quiet. There is a generation of clueless parents out there.
At this point, I will be the village and we have my sons’ friends over, I will speak up and tell them if they are out of line. Keep up the good work, there are other parents out there like yourself.
Jen
Thanks Jen, I know there are others who are concerned and that keeps the optimistic side of me going when I’m exposed to so much neglect! You keep up the great work too!
Comment by Jen — March 27, 2007 @ 7:08 pm
Yup, that’s a tough one. I have had kids in my home and the parents go on a mental vacation and do nothing as their child completely rips apart my child’s room. And be extremely picky about what is offered for snacks and food.
On the other hand, I have had the same internal struggle with blogging. But it hasn’t always been blogging, it could be computer games, TV, reading… whatever I become obsessed with that takes away from time with my kids, BUT usually because I obsess and have an addictive personality. I have been saying this last week- but actually it’s been going on since my blog vacation- that I am trying to better balance RL and blogging. Some days are better than others, I am trying.
I know my personal struggle isn’t to the extreme as the examples you gave, because they are with me here at home. But still… there is something to be said about my thoughtlessness. You post drove home all the feelings that I had , but wasn’t able or was too ashamed to admit.
The question that I ask myself daily: At what cost?
I know so well the personal struggle - it’s that balance between doing what you want/need and what your kids want/need. Somedays I do good - other days not so much but I honestly think being aware is 99% of the battle!
Comment by Mary (mert) — March 27, 2007 @ 8:33 pm
Amen, Holly.
And Mary, I hear you too!! Man, I have an addictive, obsessive personality and I’m thinking I need to take a break after all the madness of the past couple of months and just BE.
We’re in the midst of making hugely important decisions in our family and this post really makes me worry about the society we may be choosing to drop ourselves into. We’re pretty isolated where we are right now, and we don’t have to interact with many kids like this — because we don’t interact with many kids. Those situations where we do are totally orchestrated, and I’m tired of having to be the conductor all the time.
But I’m reminded of the fact that if we choose to live in a place with easy access — to kids, to opportunity, to education, to socialization — we get access to the good and the challenging. The research I’ve done lately (for my book) has really made me realize the importance of community and service, but I fear I will be overwhelmed with the number of youth that don’t have anyone in their lives teaching them what seems so natural to my own kids - and to me. It’s one thing to choose to work with these youth from a professional or service standpoint. It’s another to involve my kids in this interaction.
We have a lot to think about.
Fantastic post.
I’m amazed at the depth of personal perspective and reflection in these comments - you guys are giving me a lot to think about! Kelly, I know so well the scenario and trade offs your talking to! You are so conscious and aware though and you have great kids and I know you’ll do what’s right for all of you and set great examples as you do it.
Comment by Pass the Torch — March 27, 2007 @ 8:53 pm
Holly, your post speaks volumes!!! I have also encountered some insolent children and been extremely put off by their behavior. Be slow to judge, however. In some cases there may be mitigating circumstances other than neglectful parenting (family situations, emotional problems, behavior and mental disorders such as Asperger’s syndrome or ADHD, metabolic disorders, etc.). I feel your pain, however! No matter what the situation, nothing can replace an invested parent who teaches their child/ren common courtesy and respect.
It is so true, as a mom of an ADD daughter I know how easy it is for others to see things differently. What makes me the most sad though is parents who don’t make the personal sacrifices to meet their kids needs, too many outsource help in that area where there really is no adequate substitute.
Comment by mom — March 28, 2007 @ 8:22 am
Awesome post. It is sad how some parents get so caught up in their own lives that they forget about the little ones they’re responsible for. They see their kids as an inconvenience rather than a blessing.
Amazing isn’t it? Yet it happens all too often.
Comment by kailani — March 28, 2007 @ 11:20 am
This was very well written and so true. Sometimes it’s easy to forget how fast life goes by and not to take children for granted because they grow up so fast..
I always want to remember the little important things, I think that is why I scrapbook so I will never forget those special moments!!
Your pages so beautifully show how much you care and love your kiddos Jade! They are gorgeous!
Comment by Jade — March 28, 2007 @ 4:40 pm
I use to think I’m a half full kinda of guy, but since I’m become a dad, I’ve changed to half empty. I’m always worried about my kids. And like you, I prefer my kids have play dates at our house. I like my neighbors. They seem like good people, but I can’t honestly say I feel comfortable with them watching my kids. One neighbor let their 6-year old son climb up to the roof of their 2-story house. Then the dad had to go down the ladder and he left the son alone on the roof by himself in the middle of winter. It just takes one little slip…
Holy cow how scary! I know exactly what you mean about the times and reasons when your view changes.
Comment by Daddy Forever — March 28, 2007 @ 8:35 pm
Ok I almost choked on my water when I read the comment by Daddy Forever. I totally agree with your post and these comments. I am a new parent, our daughter is going to be 2 in June and I’m trying to do what I can to make her one of the exceptions to teh rule these days too. Your kids sound like what I want her to be like, like my brother and I were raised too. My mom always got compliments on what good kids we were and I get those compliments on my daughter now pretty much everywhere we go and I hope to continue that as she grows up. I too know that I will prefer play dates at my house, she will NOT play in our front yard alone, even the fenced in backyard for that matter. I just have this nagging fear in the back of my mind of something bad happening to her and I’ll do all I can to protect her. I also don’t want to be so overprotected that I do more harm than good. Any pointers at this age?
It sounds to me like you’re well on your way. I was surprised how much fun I had just enjoying my kids as they grew. I thought I’d be all retentive about educational toys and activities and such but I found I never went down that road. I simply enjoyed watching them learn, grow and play on their own and snagging a ride on their coat tails.
Comment by Michelle — March 29, 2007 @ 1:50 pm