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I had a long discussion with my husband last night on this topic. It saddens me so much that today’s youth and first generation parents are, in general, completely devoid of decorum.

de·co·rum [di-kawr-uhm, -kohr-]
–noun
1. dignified propriety of behavior, speech, dress, etc.
2. the quality or state of being decorous; orderliness; regularity.
3. Usually, decorums. an observance or requirement of polite society.
[Origin: 1560–70; < L decōrum, n. use of neut. of decōrus decorous]

—Synonyms 1. politeness, manners, dignity. See etiquette.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

I watch youth every day explore the waters of human interaction with an increasing disability to succeed. I believe one big reason is the lost virtue of decorum. Not only do our youth not have it, many of the their parents are missing it too and thus the problem perpetuates with each passing generation. No wonder they don't have dignity, they can't even understand it.

There was a time when it was almost too much, a time when the focus of manners was perhaps stifling and bred some silent suffering. But now we have run to the other side of the cliff and I find myself longing for a happy medium. I loved the line in the National Treasure movie about how people really don't talk that way anymore but they still feel it. I think that's true and I wish more people today would spend a little more energy finding better ways to express themselves than with grunts and slang.

I went through a charm school when I was a teen. I learned a lot of basic information on decorum. I suppose it was a crash course, or Reader's Digest condensed version of what a finishing school of days past might have been like covering everything from basic table manners, to sitting up straight and knowing how to dress nicely to communication skills and basic human decency. I have since shared that education with others as a coach on poise and charm and am constantly amazed at how many people don't know even the most basic of decorum principles. Most are content to scoff and scorn the concept as proper and prude table manners that they have no need of, clearly showing how little a grasp they have of the concept. Everyone needs a basic level of personal decorum.

Last night as my husband and I discussed this I shared some recent events where some young ladies speaking were so out of line and inappropriate for the circumstances but what saddened me most was how absolutely oblivious they were. Even more disappointing was observing how many other people in the group seemed equally unaffected. My husband chimed in about a recent discussion he had with a group of 17 year olds and how they were unable to respond with any answers or conversation that were more than one word. He tried to get them to see the impact of not learning right now how to respond in full sentences and engage in conversation because one day their ability to secure a job will depend on such a simple skill. They simply couldn't see how every situation couldn't be aptly broached with a response of "foooootball." As we talked more about it I told him how sad it was to me that while it's disturbing that they lack the ability to respond with more than one sluggish or slang word, it is even more disheartening to me that they can't see how these responses communicate a lack of respect to the other person. The same way that showing up at someone's special event like a wedding in your daily, casual attire communicates they don't mean enough to you for you to spend a few extra minutes dressing up. It's not unlike shouting out that you don't really care about them and their special milestones.

I don't know what the future holds, but I only see bad things getting worse raising a generation of kids who don't how to talk without their thumbs. Who do parents think are going to teach their kids these basics? Do they think it is something that just appears or happens by itself one day like magic? When you have to tell a 17 year old to put their phone away during a lesson or to stop texting during a prayer it speaks volumes about how much of the big "D" is really missing.

I think the world would do well to step back and do a little personal research on the word decorum. I think more parents and leaders need to step up and help support the importance of it in the world every day, in every aspect of our lives and interactions with others. I want my kids to know what dignity is and to have a desire to both obtain and protect it in their own lives. Decorum is not an outdated element of the past and it's time we all wake up and realize that. It is a necessity for growth and human decency. Decorum is so basic that it should proceed the obtaining of every other good virtue and trait, setting the stage to receive instruction and learning. It is what separates the good from the great and I for one think we need a healthy dose of it.

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The weather seems to be sharing my mood these past couple of days - lots of rain. Saturday I attended the funeral for a friend and that always causes a great deal of reflection. This morning I woke to the news of the passing of President Gordon B. Hinckley.

I think the heavens are crying with me and yet at the same time I can almost hear the joy and celebration on the other side. What a reunion it must be.

I can admit it, I’m both spoiled and dependent. I returned home this morning to a quiet house with no power. It was off for at least an hour before I got home because my computer battery was dead as could be and it was off for another hour and half after I got home.

It’s amazing how dependent I have become on power and how I’m not sure I could function if it one day left without returning. On the drive to pick up some lunch there was an officer at one of the stoplights directing traffic. I realized how dependent we have all become in a world of instant power and what a big deal it is when it’s not there.

We live in a world of seemingly endless resources, most of which we never give a moment’s notice until it comes up missing. How easy it is to become ungrateful. I am most pleased to have the ability to post this right now because it means my power is back.

So how long do you think you could survive without power?

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Okay, I’m SO slow and so behind but my dear friend Bette Sue and her daughter are on this season’s TV show “The Biggest Loser” and I just HAVE to let her and the rest of the world know how much I love and adore this addictive and wonderful lady! This is the first time in 4 months that I’ve been sorry to not have TV, but thankfully I can keep up with her progress online. Here’s the video clip of her an her daughter:

Bette Sue I’m rooting for you and continue to be inspired by you even though we don’t see each other every week like we used to! You are one amazing lady, as is Ali! It seems like only a few weeks ago I was helping you put together your wedding invitations! Now you’re inspiring millions on national television. You go girls!

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I just took a crash course in refrigeration and thought I’d share. Maybe it will be helpful to someone else or at the very least the notes will help me next time! As a disclaimer, I’m about to bare the level of my ignorance and naivety here so if you’re laughing I don’t want to know. *wink*

A few weeks ago our automatic ice maker stopped making ice. The fridge is less than 2 years old and as I never a had a problem with the earlier make and model in my previous house over the course of 5 years I was puzzled. I did some simple research online and found a lot of common problems to be freezing elements of the unit and even read handy tips like using a blow dryer to defrost it. I even pulled the fridge out to see if I could detect a frozen line or anything but I couldn’t as as the water was coming out fine from the dispenser I determined it must be an ice maker issue. Well, lifting what I could and looking around I couldn’t find any frozen elements or pieces of ice anywhere, nor could I see any pieces that I could remove to reveal anything else. And you certainly don’t want to go around pulling on plastic pieces these days as you’re bound to end up with a handful of broken pieces that will cost you a small fortune to replace on special order. Further research in the manual and online indicated that by the color and timing sequence of the indicator light flashing that it was a faulty sensor issue which would clearly be out of our league. So we made the call on our warranty to have a service call made. It was worth it for what I just learned.

1) You can remove the ice maker door quite easily but with care pulling out on these two tabs that release the door:

2) The filter is at the far right with the black tube - both the tube and the capture box below were frozen solid:

As I’d read, he asked for a blow dryer and held it on the black piece until it melted enough around the outside to drop out a nice little ice cycle which he was quite impressed with for its size. He actually removed the rest of the tray and put it under the tap to remove the block of ice in the small box under the filter.

3) He explained that when a RO (reverse osmosis) system is hooked up to a fridge it increases freezing problems because the lack of pressure causes a flap not to close so it continues to drip water which freezes. Who knew? To compensate for the this he said simply turn the ice maker off for 30 minutes or so after a big drain (like filling a pitcher or pot with the water from the RO spout) while the system tank refills. This will give it time to rebuild pressure and prevent the dripping. Good to know. It’s actually amazing that it made it nearly 2 years because with a water softening system I use the RO water for all my cooking as well as replacing water in the fish tank so it’s had plenty of water pitcher drains in that time. Now the trick will be remembering to turn it back on but at least I know how to prevent the problem now.

4) He was surprised that the RO line was a 1/4 inch. He said they should have at least used the 1/2 inch tubing. This picture shows both - the smaller one used is under my fingers and the larger one is just to the right. So if you plan on installing a reverse osmosis system and hooking it up to your fridge you should make sure to use at least a 1/2 inch tube to help compensate for the pressure loss; another good note for future reference.

5) If you have a Whirlpool fridge (which I was reminded my Kitchen Aid is) you can actually remove the water filter to help reduce one more slowing process for water pressure. When I commented that I didn’t even know where it was or that it could be removed he said some systems you can’t just remove it but Whirlpool systems will; another good note. So he took mine out as it’s not necessary with the RO already doing the filtering. The filter change indicator light will still come on but can be easily reset.

6) I asked him about temperature control as every now and then I find a gallon of milk at the back to have some ice in it and the sales person assured me this fridge didn’t do that. He said that in his experience Whirlpool does have the best record for compressor issues that affect this and then proceeded to check the temperature inside. He said the optimal temperature is 37 degrees and mine was running about 35 so he took it up a notch; another good note. Then he showed me how the cooling doors work. This one is at the top left and is where the cold air comes in.

This one is above the crisper and is where the air goes back into the freezer.

This means if you want something kept really cold in your fridge you should place it up by that top vent and further you should be careful not to put anything that could block it or impede it’s delivery of air flow. It also means that I should be aware of the same issue on the freezer side in reverse.

7) The freezer control doesn’t control temperature. It controls the door to the vents. The one to watch and set for that optimal 37 degrees is the fridge control. For reference he set mine to just under 3, which from this picture you can see is circled as the default or suggested setting.

So there’s my homemaker skills 101 course share for the day. I’ll take the little annoyances any day of the week to enjoy the blessing of refrigeration! Besides that, my morning was still 100% better than my hubby’s as he’s getting a root canal.

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It’s only 10 minutes after 11:00 AM and I’m already feeling the stress of a holiday day which means both kids are home. I spent all last week looking forward to today knowing I could sleep in one more day and who doesn’t love a three day weekend? Now I’m wondering how on earth I’ll make it until reinforcements come home. *snort*

What is it that makes your sweet angels push you so close and so quickly to losing it? It’s like they just KNOW every little thing they can do that adds fire and spark to that already glowing dynamite wire. I swear there are moments when they just seem possessed. Thank heaven they are only moments and scattered among good ones or I’d never make it.

It seems that sometimes there’s just so much to do and so little time! At the start of a new year I think we tend to load up our plates even more with the enthusiasm that comes from a NEW year. The motivation is good, but sometimes I worry about the burnout that so often accompanies the big push. I wonder why it’s so hard to be as motivated on a Thursday afternoon in the middle of the month?

I am actually getting things done but never as much as I’d like, especially here on my blog. But I keep reminding myself of times and seasons and there will come a time when I have more of it to spend here! In the meantime I just have to keep my chin up and my feet moving to the rhythm of daily life.

What things have you found help you balance out the wave of New Year’s energy and project pile up?

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As one who used to believe that ADHD was a bunch of hogwash excusing parents from parenting responsibility, I’ve had plenty of repentance time in dealing with it since my daughter began school and was diagnosed ADD at the age of 8. I’ve also had plenty of community service time educating others about it as I am my daughter’s advocate. I guess as with all things in life, this is one of those areas where if you can’t see it the credibility is easily denied. And everything about the causes of ADHD are in the brain, thus generally keeping it invisible to the human eye although the symptoms and consequences of it are extremely visible. This is why ADHD is so often misunderstood as a behavior problem and not a medical condition. It’s also why ADHD got so much media attention when a study was able to show us the brain activity of an ADHD brain compared to a normal one. There was now proof making some aspects of it visible and thus more credible to the general public. (And I thought it was just a bunch of psychologists sitting around dreaming up new diagnosis and revenue channels - my bad.)

The way I’ve visualized the problem is to picture in my mind a bridge that connects the two areas of the brain responsible for our most basic functioning skills. In my brain the bridge is unfettered and messages travel back and forth freely. In my daughter’s brain her bridge is riddled with obstacles and there may even be areas where pieces are missing. So her messages often get blocked, bounce around or drop out entirely. It’s not something she can control by simply “trying harder” any more than someone who has an astigmatism in their eye could see clear if they would just try harder to focus. Nothing makes this confusion more apparent than the simple social skill of communication.

While many of us deal with our own personal struggles in the communication department, an ADHD mind has additional challenges. If we take the time to understand them it becomes not only easier to deal with and tolerate the issues, but also helpful for the person struggling so much to overcome these obstacles. While reading yesterday, I came across a checklist for this topic. The design is to have the person with ADHD circle a number showing how much of a problem this is for them. The key difference here is that while you and I may have some variation of some of these my daughter deals with almost every one at various levels. As a parent, it is so much easier for me to see it in her and it helps a great deal to realize that it’s not you and that you’re not alone. These resources exist for the very reason that others are dealing with all these same things every day and that is a powerful message and comfort to parents in the trenches. I’ll share this brief list here because I think it’s a great starting point in helping see and understand why ADHD is such a big deal.

Ability to identify and express your feelings
Check-repeat what you heard and ask if you heard it right
Join a conversation without disruption
Stay on track in a conversation
Identify and reflect feelings of others
Actively let others know you are following the conversation
Miss pieces of information-”blinks”
Ability to keep a conversation going
Voice too loud or too soft
Speak too quickly
Interrupt others
Too quiet-rarely speaking in conversations
Talk excessively
Order or boss others
Criticize-judge or make evaluative comments
Disregard or minimize statements of others

This list hit me with great impact and caused an instant feeling of greater empathy for what my daughter struggles with every day. It rejuvenates my patience batteries and the desire to help her with these common annoyances that aren’t an indication of how she feels about me nor is it a display of disrespect. My job is to help her learn how to find ways to trigger combat options for these things, ways to help her remember to hold her tongue instead of blurting what comes to mind when it comes to mind, support in helping her see the way these common things impact her social relationships with others. In short, my job is to help her learn how to succeed now so that future lessons will be less painful and her future relationships will be more successful.

We’ve been helping her with the interruption aspect since she was able to converse with us and in general she’s got this one down very well needing few prompts now that she’s 10. However, the ability to express her feelings, to actively show us she’s still engaged in conversation, identify and reflect feelings of others and disregarding/minimizing comments of others are all huge right now. As a parent these things make you absolutely batty, especially when they surface during a discipline moment or discussion.

So if you’ve noticed most of these things on a regular basis with someone you know or care for it may be an indication that they have a legitimate medical reason for their actions and not just a rude behavior issue. And if you’re a parent or loved one helping an ADHD mind on a regular basis it can help you just to review lists like this once and while to remember what doesn’t come naturally to those you’re helping. I know it has for me.

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