So, this Spain thing has really brought some changes. A few months ago my husband and I were comfortably on the accumulation path. You know, the path of getting and then paying off the process of getting things. Things run your life. You don’t mean for it to happen, you don’t intend to give intangible items such control over your time, energy, resources and emotions but somehow they repeatedly end up in the driver’s seat. Somehow the drawers fill up, the closets become black holes and the garage…well, we won’t even go there to say nothing of the bank statements and credit bills that find their way to you.

I find that even with awareness of the accumulation path danger, I still find myself on it far too often. And it’s not enough to just get a few things because once you obtain those said things the next step is to upgrade. The small things happen almost without thought - the new computer, vacuum, etc., while other things seem to find a way to reproduce on their own like all the contents of a junk or makeup drawer, or how about that infernal missing sock pile?! The big things are not immune either, in fact they’re more visible and therefore tend to stay on the list (or mind) like the newer car, bigger house, etc., etc., etc.

Most people won’t reach the point of self awareness on this topic until they are one foot away from the grave - when they are literally forced with the reality that you can’t take “things” with you. Suddenly, the definitions of what really matters comes into view with clarity and new beliefs are formed around traditional ones. If you’re lucky, you may be fortunate enough to go through various levels of this re-evaluation exercise earlier. I’ve gone through smaller levels of this exercise with each move, especially those that cross multiple states. Yet even with that I still find myself looking around wondering how I managed to get so much stuff again.

The reality is, if this Spain opportunity pans out we’ve already decided on the process of elimination and retaining “things” at least generally speaking. We’d take the basics of clothing, toiletries and our technology of cell phones and computers. Virtually everything else would go minus a few items we’d ask family to store for us like some artwork,the one piece of furniture made for me by a family member, photos, awards - that type of stuff. The mentality shifts from ownership to renting, being tied down to freedom. Once you’ve crossed the initial hurdle of resetting your expectations and parameters, I find it’s actually quite exhilarating. In fact, we’ve already had discussions about how accomplish these same goals even if the Spain thing doesn’t work out.

I wish I could put into words the exhilaration that’s resulted from this mindset of letting go of all previous ideas and assumptions about so many things. Suffice it to say, regardless of what happens I’ll be forever grateful for the reset button experience.

A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. First, we got a call that Blake’s grandma Faye wasn’t expected to live beyond a few days to a few weeks. This is a picture of her (front row, third from the left) in 2003, when Taylor’s adoption was finalized.

Last summer, we visited her at the nursing home where she’s been living for the past 2 years. Time and dementia have taken their toll on her. Time has given my little Taylor several more feet of height too, but note that the platinum blonde hair remains as true as when he was one. Personally, I’m just grateful that the pacifier isn’t still affixed to his mouth, there were days when I wondered if we’d ever successfully lose it. But I digress.

The point is, you think you understand what it means to endure, or what the phrase “Endure to the end” means, and then you reflect on the aging/exit process of this life and realize you don’t know anything about it all. This wonderful woman who has lived a full life and always been so vibrant and strong is powerless against the powers of death. I hate this reality, I really do.

So for the past two weeks we’ve waited for the call that would initiate the drive to Idaho. We’re still waiting. I’m not sure what to think about that. On the one hand I’m utterly amazed at the human spirit and ability to cling to life when it seems impossible. On the other, I’m saddened that relief can’t be delivered for this loved one. And so I find myself thinking it’s too much to process and must think on other things.

So on we go to my second arena of thought: Madrid, Spain.

Last week I left a closing line on my post of wondering what I’d be thinking this week. Well, I’m still thinking…a lot. You know how the hourglass works; tiny beads of sand stream through a tiny opening to fill the bottom of the jar - you know eventually it will get down there, but sometimes the process feels impossibly slow. That’s this process in a nutshell. The long and short is that this possibility is still on the docket and gaining momentum every day. Six months from now I could be living in Madrid. This is about the time I feel my eyes going blurry from input overload and I’m back to the same point of needing to think on other things.

So right now I’m distracting myself with blogging. It’s a good distraction and one that I’ve not had much time for lately (nor my garden or yard by the looks of things.) As I look at this picture from 2003 my mind is flooded with thoughts and memories. Where does the time go? It wasn’t that long ago that he was small enough to cradle in my arms, not that long since he wrapped his little fingers around mine moments after birth. My cute little Cidderbug is younger in this photo than Taylor is today. That adorable little spirit is just as vibrant, only now it’s blossoming into a beautiful young woman. It’s a lot to process.