I really don’t need any signs to tell me my kids are growing, but as I reviewed some pictures this morning I couldn’t help but see the obvious signs staring back at me.

Barbie dolls used to be a favorite thing.

Now it’s all about making quilts.

Plastic tool toys used to hold his interest for hours.

Now we’ve graduated to Legos and Erector sets.

It’s amazing to watch. Cidnie has always had such of love for all things family oriented and always has. She’s always loved to play pretend house and other life skills role play games, and she still does. Her life is continually focused on what’s yet to come. She’s already talking about getting married and being a mom after she moves to Idaho for college (she’s not sure if she dares have roommates who may play tricks on her but her back up plan is to live with Grandma.) I write it that way because it’s exactly the way she thinks of it: describing the step of marriage and family first, yet adding at the end that it will be after college. It’s so Cid. I have to pinch myself that my little forward thinking girl is twelve when she talks so matter of fact like about her future. She wants to grow up so fast. I can’t see anything but a blur from her arrival to now and can’t imagine why she thinks it needs to go any faster! But she is the very embodiment of social butterfly and time is very different in her world. Social elements are her life, her focus, her love. It’s why her memory for these details are unparalleled. She never ceases to amaze me.

Then there’s my little Taylor. This kid has an engineer’s mind. His fascination with how things work and putting things together at this young age astound me. I love seeing him move freely between following instructions for building to designing his own creations. He can entertain himself for hours on end all while rotating through his toys thoroughly and without any help or direction from me. I’ve never seen the likes of it. He always shows such earnest for learning, like it’s water in the desert. He struggles with his desire for perfection and control, and yet I know it’s because he can see so clearly in his mind what he wants something to look like or how something is supposed to be. His little tongue works 24×7 when he’s in concentration mode, which is almost constantly! I used to think he’d wear his lower mouth out but it seems to have adjusted to the constant movement of that tongue. At seven he still comes up out of the blue to give me a hug and tell me how much he loves me.

Today is the last day of November. Life has changed so much over the years, but just for today I’m pausing to remember the blessings of my kids. November is a month of gratitude for me. Thanksgiving of course gives reason to ponder on our many blessings, and the National Adoption Awareness Month that accompanies November gives me even more reason. How grateful I am for my children, for their amazing birth parent families, for the privilege of being called “Mom.” I know how fast the time goes. I’m painfully aware of how much time has already slipped through my fingers with them, but nothing can take away my memories or the love we share. Time may pass, but love only grows.

Sweetheart, today you turn twelve. It doesn’t seem possible, and yet I know I’ll feel the same way when you hit sixteen and that will be here before I know it. As a parent you long for your child to reach new milestones all the while wishing against hope that you could keep your precious ones small. You’re growing up before my eyes, but you’ll never outgrow my heart. You see, you are the champion of my heart.

That heart skipped beats before and until your arrival. Oh it tried desperately to achieve regularity and stability, but all was in vain without you. Something inside simply knew it wasn’t complete. I prayed and prayed for that completeness to come. I cried, worried, mourned and despaired over the emptiness only you could fill. For many years I wondered at the future of my heart. For the first time in my life I began to doubt.

They say the brightest rainbows come after the darkest storms. Well dear, your rainbow surpasses description. You are the champion of my heart. You won it over the moment I laid eyes on you, when you were still in your mother’s belly. I felt a tingle in that empty place. The ache in my arms was replaced with such warmth and love the first time I held you, my baby sweet. You were everything I’d hoped; everything I’d dreamed; everything I’d wanted. You still are.

So you see, you can never outgrow my heart for you grew in it. You played a critical role in completing it. You are the champion of my heart.

I just got off the phone with an interviewer. He had questions about our adoption website: HopeToAdopt.com and was considering adding it into a TV story he was working on. Oh I wished for such a break years ago! But today our site is in transition. It was a delightful conversation and I’m so tickled he’d find me, call me and care about my input. I asked him where he was 9 years ago when we paid to have a story done for public television that never went anywhere!

The crazy thing is I actually gave the one adoption site that’s been on my crap list for the past decade a media referral! I figure if it does anything good for the adoption world in general it’s worth it. I’ve never cared for the attitude, approach or monopoly factor of Adoption.com but I do care deeply for adoption and those affected by it. So I passed him on to them. *gasp*

On the bright side, he complimented me on our site and efforts and said he thought it was a great story that should be told! I feel that way too. I will never regret what we put into it or all the great things that have come from it! Too bad this call was 9 years late.

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Adoption Positive Impact Blogging Business

It’s been eight years ago today that my husband and I officially launched our adoption website: HopeToAdopt I’d been chatting in adoption chat rooms for a few months and became aware of a growing need for waiting families to have reasonable options for creating online profiles. A few websites were offering the service, but as web developers and adoptive parents were unhappy with the high prices being charged for the minimal effort of an “online birthparent letter” so we created HopeToAdopt.com. My husband wrote the program that automated building a 5 page website by answering questions and making selections. I designed the main site and several personalized themes for families to choose from. While other sites were charging $400 for six months for a two page letter we launched our site giving families their own 5 page site, a personal site address and access to personal site stats for $39 a year. I had two dreams with the creation of HopeToAdopt, both of which happened within the first year: 1) I hoped at least one family would be formed with the help of their H2A profile, 2) I secretly hoped our daughter’s birthmother might find us.

I’ll never forget the first notification that a placement happened. It was an e-mail from a former online friend who had been deeply discouraged with adoption and online efforts after a recent scam. It was early January, 2001 and the e-mail stated that she thought I’d like to know they’d just brought their son home and that his birthmother found them on HopeToAdopt.com! I just started to cry. I was so happy for her, even more so because of her recent heartbreaks with online adoption efforts and I was so overjoyed to have played some small part in her success. It felt wonderful to give something back to the world of adoption that had given me so much. Within a few weeks I received word of two more families whose profiles played a role in their matches and successful placements. I knew if nothing else happened and the site went away that day I’d be happy and satisfied, but there was more in store.

In June of 2001 I would receive an e-mail from our daughter’s birthmother. It brought into view a door of reuniting and opening our adoption. A few months later we all met again. Cidnie was almost 4 years old then and to watch her run into Monica’s arms with the biggest hug reduced me to a teary mess. It was an incredible moment. However, the crowning moment would come that November when we were present at her wedding. My dreams were not only realized, they were bigger and better than I could have imagined.

Today, eight years later our site is adapting to the many changes of the Internet. Today marks the day we are no longer creating/accepting new profiles on our website. One year from now there will be no more HopeToAdopt.com profiles. The service simply isn’t required anymore, blogging is the new medium for personal websites and it’s free. I’m grateful for the run we had. We turned down offers to buy our website and the two of us have run it successfully for these eight years. Other websites and agencies copied what we did, which tells me we did something right. *wink* And we did it all while proving it could be done for a fraction of the cost of others. While we’re working on a continuation of beneficial online adoption services, the reality that today marks a big milestone is ever present in my mind. It’s a sign of growth, a sign of change, a sign of progression while at the same time marking the end of something that’s been very near and dear to my heart. It’s truly bittersweet.

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Adoption Sharing Emotions Success Blogging Business

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and it was truly one of the most wonderful I’ve had. There was a time when I dreaded this day, a time in childless years when it tore my heart to shreds. A time, when I remember being told in words, actions, and looks many times how I was not a mother though I desperately wanted to be. Many women with similar experiences continue to struggle on this day even years after finally becoming mothers. I’m grateful to say that while I remember those I truly enjoy Mother’s Day, not just for my own mother and memory of motherly influence in my own life but because I appreciate so much more the blessing of being a mother now. And look at the loot besides!

Can’t beat that. I am so blessed and spoiled!

Now, if I can just stretch my luck and blessings long enough to get all my stuff backed up I’ll be most happy. I’ve got a bad feeling about my computer. *furrowed brow*

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Family Adoption Sharing Emotions Motherhood

I just got a surprise phone call on my cell phone. It was from Beth Whitehouse, a columnist for Newsday.com. She explained that she was doing a piece on explaining adoption to children who aren’t adopted. I was happy to answer questions, although I felt like a bumbling idiot on the phone. I put my thoughts down in writing so much better in situations like that.

At any rate, I hung up and went to Google what I’d remembered or thought I’d heard to see if I could find her. Sure enough it came right up and a quick e-mail asking if she’d just talked to me about the piece warranted an almost immediate response in the affirmative. Then I was bold enough to send one more unsolicited e-mail sharing the most important thought I’d had about explaining adoption. She may think I’m a crazy now but I feel better about getting a p.s. in. Did I mention that I love Google and the power of the Internet? *smile*

I’m still fuzzy on the source of her finding me but if I get it cleared up I’ll let you know. It’s always nice to be found.

I was just catching up on some blogs this morning and read several posts along the Thanksgiving theme. I suppose this is part of the great conspiracy to move Thanksgiving up to this week. But as I’ve read it’s got me thinking about things and knowing I’ll be leaving town tomorrow I wanted to take a moment to share those thoughts.

When my daughter was about 2 and 1/2 she hit a wonderful stage of comprehending things around her and calling them to attention. At night we’d hear her go on for easily 10-15 minutes with a prayer that went something like this:

“Heavenly Father, thank you my bed. Thank you my house. Thank you my blanket. Thank you my milk. Thank you my mom. Thank you my dad. Thank you my room. Thank you my shoes. Thank you my window. Thank you my sky. Thank you my door. Thank you my…..”

The innocence from those simple words of thanks were always welcome to mom and dad’s ears. And it caused us to reflect on many of those little details that we tend to skip over or generalize ourselves.

About 6 years ago I had the opportunity to really understand how much I’d taken for granted with my health. I note the details now, the ability to walk, the ability to breathe without pain, the ability to control my muscles without shaking, the strength to move at all, and above all the ability to feel pain. Yes, that’s an odd one I know but you know what, one day in my self complaint mode about the intense head pain I was experiencing it dawned on me that the option of not feeling pain could mean paralysis and as weird as things had been that was certainly not a possibility off the radar for me. So I was thankful for the pain because it meant I could still feel.

I’m grateful for the pain of infertility which lead me to paths of growth and love I couldn’t have known otherwise. I’m grateful that it took me to the right place at the right time to be where someone needed me to be, just when they needed me to be there. I’m grateful that those people in my life endured their own trials and pain to be where I needed them to be when I needed them too. I understand so well now the truth that sometimes our greatest trial can be another’s greatest blessing.

I’m grateful that at the same time I nearly lost all my health and life that we lost our business and revenue. While I’m not glad my husband and I had to go through so much hard stuff all at the same time, I’m supremely grateful that we could learn those tough lessons while we are still so young and that it happened in such a complete and all encompassing way to require dealing with it head on. Because of those experiences, today I have a completely new look and appreciation for self-reliance and financial blessings, I will never view things the same or trick myself into believing that things are really better than they are. I’m grateful that my son and his adoption came to us at this most ill-prepared and seemingly impossible time of our lives because it taught me that all things are possible. It confirmed my personal belief and knowledge that adoption was not about us finding our children but rather about them finding us and when that happened nothing could keep us from making it happen.

So today I pause on the details so often missed in our thoughts of gratitude. With so much to be grateful for it’s amazing that I ever find anything to complain about. It’s true that the surest way to pick yourself up is to stop long enough to count your blessings…EVERY blessing. It is amazing to see how much you have when you take the time to look.

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Family Adoption Sharing Emotions Positive Impact Perspectives Motherhood Balance Holidays Blogging Deep Thoughts

It’s amazing to me how the connotation of simple words can evoke so many feelings and opinions. The whole wording affair is compounded in confusion when you roll in the concept of political correctness.

It’s nice that as a people we’re becoming more educated and aware of our language and choice of wording, generally speaking. The whole concept of being politically correct came about in an effort to encourage neutrality and inclusion in speech. I like that. I don’t like when the concept runs a muck and is taken to extremes, which seems to happen far too often.

But with all this said, there are some very important basic words that imply a great deal that ought not to be dismissed. One of these words is “real.” This little word has a deep and profound meaning and it should be used with care.

This morning my daughter said, “Mom I need you to help me explain to my friends again that you really are my REAL mom.”

The word real in front of mom has a powerful impact. Yes, I’m an adoptive parent, but I am very much a real parent. My road to becoming a mother wasn’t the traditional one but it was no less legitimate fraught with very real fears, pains, uncertainty and joy. It wasn’t thrust on me. It was my choice, something I decided I wanted to do. In the beginning it was mostly about me and my wants to become a mother. But it only took a New York minute to figure out when we adopted our daughter that it was anything but about me! It has been the most amazing and wonderful experience of my life. So naturally, I get a little defensive when someone tells me that what I am and what I’ve experienced isn’t real.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get offended when people ask me who my daughter’s real mom is. I simply reply that that would be me and it sounds like they are asking who her biological mom is. The gentle redirect and education are usually all it takes to bring about respect and clarity. But I have to admit it always surprises me a little when they ask things like that. I mean, they don’t know her, it has no impact on their relationship with my daughter and they have no need to know that personal information. I’ve had it easy compared to many adoptive moms out there because my kids look and act so much like me that unless someone already knows they would never guess or just ask about their adoptions. In fact, it only came up again recently because my daughter introduced her birthmom to her friends this past week when she was visiting us. It brought her discussions and answers about being adopted into a new and tangible light. But for any adoptive parent this “real” concept is at the top of the list of wishes for a more understanding and accepting world.

You see, one of the biggest misconceptions out there is that adoptive parents are not a child’s real parents. This is frustrating at multiple levels. I mean, first the very word denotes that if I’m not real I must be fake, or virtual as well as my entire experience as a parent. That’s a bit demeaning by itself. But worse is how it sends the message that an adoptive parent is second rate or they are somehow temporary or substituting in their role as parent. This would make anyone feel uncomfortable and a bit defensive, but when you consider how much the adoptive parent gives to both make an adoption happen and further commits to the lifetime care and love of a child, well you can see why it’s a big deal.

So to my daughter’s friends I share yet again that I am in every wit my daughter’s REAL mom. She knows it, I know it and I hope one day you’ll finally know it for yourselves too. I’ve said it before, but just like a legalized piece of paper and service performed by the right person can make your mom and dad a husband and wife, the same process can make me my daughter’s mom - legally, binding and very much for real. It makes us as related as a family as your parents the day they got married. And any mom out there knows she’s a real mom the first time she stays up all night with a sick child and every time she wipes away a tear, sheds a tear and helps that child learn and grow. And that my friends is far more important than any legal element. Oh yes, it’s very real.

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Adoption Motherhood Relationships Perspectives

You know you’re a real parent when you get to tackle the really tough subjects. Contrary to the terminology so common around adoption, I am very much my children’s real mother.

My nine year old is giving me ample opportunities lately to tackle some tough subjects. She is so wanting to be a teenager. In the past three weeks she’s really taken to her room for a lot of time alone - well with her TV set and Hannah Montana. When I go upstairs I’m immediately inundated with the smell of body splashes and perfumes, not to mention the constant glitter everywhere. She’s also recently given up the kid’s toothpaste for a tube like mom and dad’s. I catch her wearing her swimsuit tops under her shirts to mimic a bra (and always in hopes mom won’t notice or understand the secret purpose) and she’s spending a lot of time and energy with her hair and clothes lately too. When I tucked her in bed a few nights ago she asked me when she’d grow boobs and how she hoped she grew big ones. It was hard to choke back the laughter and harder still when I answered her questions of how long it can take and saw the “holy crap” facial response.
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Earlier today I responded in a discussion about raising high spirited children. It took place between a group of adoptive moms, which incidentally is a group that is no newbie to the high spirited child. As I looked over what I wrote I decided much of it was worthy of being repeated here.

There’s something about a mother’s heart that helps us understand our children. I believe it is a gift that helps us be prepared for them as well a powerful resource that can help us know how to help them as they grow. I think it can help speak peace to our hearts when we come across things that just feel right. That mother’s intuition was something I’d heard about before I was a mother - the times and examples when a mother just knew something about her child. But it took experience as mother to truly comprehend and appreciate it.
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