I’m in search of some motivation today. I’m having a hard time getting to the projects that are awaiting my attention. As I go looking for it I can’t help but think about how often we underestimate the value of motivation. And how even more often we use the wrong kind.

Have you ever noticed how often we use negative motivation to influence ourselves, others, teach, or encourage something to go the way we want? Guilt is one that comes immediately to mind. I see this a lot, especially where important principles of productivity, compassion and service are involved. Instead of helping someone grasp how wonderful these things are, making them so desirable that it becomes only natural to work for it, we use guilt to make them feel bad. As a parent I catch myself giving my kids all the terrible consequences as reasons for them to not make certain choices. By contrast, the adversary paints a glamorous picture of all the wonderful (all be-it often short-sided, incomplete or complete fraudulent) reasons. Is it any wonder why it’s so hard to choose good over evil? So hard to be anxiously engaged in good things?

As I sit here thinking, I realize one thing I often do and how much it helps. I find myself picturing the desired result or finished product in my head for any task or project. Sometimes I need to picture that to find enough motivation to dig into something. Now what I need to master is channeling all this into not just beginning but finishing other projects. You know, those projects that aren’t critical like doing the dishes. The ones that hide in forgotten files, boxes and books. It’s about time to blow some dust off the many photo projects, scrapbooks, scanning, etc. that have been started but not completed.

So what do you do to keep yourself going? How do you stay on task?

Technorati Tags:
Positive Impact Inspiration Blogging Deep Thoughts

No, I’m not talking about the health related ones, though they are no less important. I’m referring to the communication and interaction aspect of strokes. A stroke of a knife can cut the flesh, but the stroke of words can cut the heart. Physical hurts heal even though some may leave their mark in the form of a scar, but emotional wounds to the heart are another matter entirely. Yet we are far more careless with our words than we are with physical influences. Why is that?

Too often we speak without thinking. Too often we share our views and opinions without solicitation. Too often we disgrace the name and reputation of others with gossip and rumor. Too often we use verbal harshness to get what we want. Too often we desecrate the name of divinity. In short, too often we tear down instead of build up.

Words are indeed powerful. They have the ability to lift, raise, beautify, comfort and nurture. And as with all things they have the opposite abilities as well. When you think of the simplicity of a name much can be learned. To hear your name spoken in the positive tones makes your heart soar with pride and security. I don’t have to write the emotions that are invoked when you recall hearing your full name called in “that tone” because you know exactly how it made you feel. Is it any wonder that one of the first commandments given was not to take the name of the Lord in vain? Yet that is trampled under the feet and tongues of men today as much as every other harmful tool of verbal power.

I was struck by a talk on this subject a few years ago. The stark comparison of the speaker who spoke of how the same mouths that spoke prayers and sang praises in beautiful song would yell or speak unkindly. I thought of my own voice and my own tongue. I thought on how I frequently use both for praying and singing but never thought about how I used them in defiling and damaging ways. The title of the talk was “The Tongue of Angels” and to say it left it’s mark on me and my heart would be an understatement. I’ve been keenly more aware of my words and although I’ve got so far to go I’m now on the journey of improving my tongue.

You’ve heard the saying many times “different strokes for different folks” and it’s the truth. I’ve recently been teaching charm classes again and it brings to the surface so much of this topic as I strive to teach my students rules of engagement and common courtesies. Then as I was out catching up on some blogs last night I watched some video clips of a recent blogging convention. My eye was caught by the familiar scene of the convention center room with round tables in hotel ballrooms, their chairs occupied by people of all types, but what captured and held my attention was the one that sat at a table without a laptop. It was a stark reminder of how keystroke minded communication is these days. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that many of the people in that room where having conversations with one another, maybe some even at the same table but with instant messaging, e-mails, comments and blogging. Nearly every person in the video clip had a laptop on the table or in their laps, and it’s why the one who didn’t stood out. Our teens may not carry their laptops around like their adult counterparts yet, but they do carry around their phones and I’ve known many a youth who was having a conversation with the person next to them using their thumbs instead of their mouths. It’s an interesting phenomenon that bears both pros and cons.

On the pro side, I personally find that typing more has made me more aware of my words. When I write something, I go back over it many times and find several places where I edit, re-edit, scratch entirely, etc. The result is that I’ve been fine-tuning my communication and presentation skills. I have to think things through before I commit them to text and sometimes just seeing them in text and re-reading them sheds new light too. I have seen a stark improvement in my writing since I began blogging two years ago. Another advantage for me is the ability for my words to keep up with my thoughts thanks to hands and a mind that learned how to type. And I can do it without writer’s cramp, white-out or an eraser. (A post for another day is a rant on how many people, especially youth today, don’t acquire this skill. Hunt and peck methods were never efficient, but in today’s world I can’t hardly imagine the person keeping up without this skill.)

On the con side for me are many of the opposites. While it is considerably more efficient for me to communicate via text it is far less personal. I find it takes concerted effort on my part to continue working at other communication skills of speech and conversational interaction. I worry about the new generation who are not being taught verbal communication and social interaction skills. Another downside is the ability of doing things because one can without ever questioning if one should. And here we are full circle back to the double edged tongue.

Whether in keystrokes or voice, our words have great power. My goal is to make my strokes those of love and kindness in the lives of those around me. It’s part of working on my life, the masterpiece.

Technorati Tags:
Emotions Positive Impact Relationships Blogging Deep Thoughts Intellectual

So many things are calling for my attention this morning but my mind is likely to explode if I don’t find a way to get some of these thoughts and memories out. So the laundry, dishes and vacuuming will have to wait while I attempt to organize and store these thoughts here on my blog - my personal pensieve.

The memory mumble in my head has been building for a while now. The culprits for the growth include: 1) watching my daughter and remembering life at her age, 2) being in touch with old classmates, 3) reading. All three seem to have recently collided in the same space of my mind.

My daughter is 10 this year. She reminds me frequently that she’s really almost 10 1/2 because she’ll be 11 this fall. What she doesn’t know is that I need no reminding. Nor does she comprehend how well I understand her feelings of wanting so much to hasten growth not to mention the emotions of girl troubles and boy crushes. But I do remember and watching her experience it is like reliving some of my past on a regular basis, which until recently I’ve completely underestimated the power of. This is intertwined with viewing photos yesterday of some old classmates at my last high school reunion that I didn’t make it too. I saw a picture of one of my best friends when I was her age and it brought back a flood of memories. Then last night as I was reading, I was struck with the harsh reality of how many things we do in our lives because of influence or peer pressure and how that impacts our lives, the lives of others and the memories we lock away.

Lock is an intentional verb in the concept of storing memories. You see I’ve recently come to the realization of how I’ve locked in so many memories, expectations and criteria based on association and timing. Sadly, many of those were done automatically when I was the least capable in my life of looking beyond myself - namely, high school. As I looked through pictures of classmates from a few years ago I found myself thinking terrible things like, “wow, they sure got fat”, or “woof, time has not been friendly to them”, or even “they look as mean and stuck up as they ever were.” These aren’t the things I think when I meet people every day now, I don’t hold them to this standard. And then I thought on how I was being so harsh in my judgments and expectations simply because of association. The fact is, I knew these people when they were teens. The fact is, teens are self-centered and egotistical and often down right unkind. The fact is, teen bodies haven’t been impacted with age. I didn’t think I was a terrible teen, I still don’t. But I concede that I was totally wrapped up in myself, my own fears, anxieties, self conscious worries, etc. Heck, I never wore a short sleeved shirt to school or shorts because I was so sure everyone would notice my horrifically bony elbows and knees. It never even occurred to me that they wouldn’t notice my imperfections because they were so focused on their own. And I certainly never thought on the physical state of maturity and age, I just took for granted that my body would always be the same and therefore only focused on the things I didn’t like about it. This is where hindsight becomes so valuable and we’re back to that reality of not truly appreciating what you had until you no longer have it principle.

What really got me into a muddled mess was thinking about never giving these classmates a chance. I locked in my memories of them at their best or worst and that’s where they live in my mind. It’s why I’m so shocked when I find out how many kids some of them have or how nice they are now that they’re adults and I’d be equally shocked to learn anything negative about my personal heroes and the few I put on pedestals. I’m ashamed to admit it, but to this day there are two girls whose names make me cringe when I first hear them. It was a silly thing that happened clear back in 7th grade when they made fun of me for not having any boobs when I refused to give them my math answers. But it made its mark on me because it hit on the area of physical bodies and so many insecurities I battled with every day being so skinny and nothing but a straight highway. I’m sure neither one remembers it and I’d guess that both would feel terrible today to know how much it devastated me. And that’s the point. Kids are mean. Sometimes they’re just stupid and do and say things without thinking. Most of the time they do or say mean things just to impress someone they’re with because they want so much to be accepted and feel important. This peer pressure makes kids do things they wouldn’t do on their own and often things that are uncharacteristic. This describes the scene I read last night in my book and it made me really think hard on my own locked memories. Moreover I wonder how many people have locked memories of me doing or saying something that was hurtful to them that I’m not even aware of? And wouldn’t I like the chance to be redeemed or make things right?

I’m not sure if this post is really going anywhere or not. I just know I have a lot of thoughts and feelings regarding the many memories in my head right now. As my husband’s 20 year reunion comes up this summer I see and hear so many shallow things regarding these locked memories. Some are so bitter that they have nothing but complaints and unkind things to say. Others purposely attempt to live in those days past because they were the height of their glory days. All I know is that I’ve grown SO much as a person since my school days and the person I am now is the one I’d like my classmates to know, not the growing, insecure teen I was. That means I have to look at each of them with different eyes too. So why is association memory so difficult?

I’ve definitely identified some things I need to work on, namely my own lock box of memories. Maybe it’s time for me to find a key and allow those babies to move around a bit, rub up against some new memories in my mind. Perhaps I’ll start unlocking those trapped memories here in some more posts on specific memories; try to view them in a new and different light. It’s funny what you choose to remember and how when you start thinking on those things other memories find a way of spilling out. It’s part of who we are - a natural process. But if I want to keep growing as a person I think I need to air out some of these memories. Besides that, they’re not all bad. In fact, I’m sure I’ll be surprised at how many good ones are hidden under the locked ones. Hmmmmm that’s something to think about.

Technorati Tags:
School Sharing Emotions Relationships Parenthood Blogging Reading Deep Thoughts

It seems to be human nature to not truly appreciate what you have until you don’t have it. It doesn’t seem to matter so much whether you ever really had what you now want either, although if you’ve had and lost you know first hand what it was like which can certainly add to the longing. Sometimes it’s even the perception that you thought you had it, when in fact you never really did. Either way the result is the same, you simply appreciate things more if you associate a form of loss with it before.

This morning I stopped to visit with another mom at my son’s school. I have to admit that I don’t know her name or anything about her really. We’ve exchanged a few friendly smiles and hellos on the playground before school starts for our Kindergarten sons. Recently, she’s been coming in a wheelchair and with some assistance, again I don’t know what the circumstances are but I know my heart aches for her. So this morning when we met at the crosswalk on the way back to our cars I asked her how she was doing and she replied that she was hanging in there. I could hear the weight of it in her voice and I told her how seeing her reminded me of myself about 5 years ago when I too was in a wheelchair. And then the entire drive home I considered how blessed I truly am.

I pondered on three primary elements of my life where I got to experience what I’ll call the “Greater Appreciation Algorithm” or GAA for short. (How’s that for pithy?!) The first, thanks to my friend, was my health and ability to walk. This in turn leads to the greatest gift of how you view and thus live your life. Dealing with unknowns is terrifying and lonely, even when you’re surrounded by loved ones. During the three months I battled some bizarre and never defined illness, I experienced some deep soul searching and gratitude training. I learned to be grateful for pain because it meant I could still feel and was still alive. I learned to be grateful for the many years of unfettered freedom and health I’d enjoyed without notice. Consequently, I don’t view life the same way anymore, I recognize each day as the gift that it is determined to make the most of it. There are no certainties; you make the most of what you’ve got while you’ve got it or you die on a bed of regrets. Life is too short for petty offenses, too fragile for postmortems and too wonderful for despair. How grateful I am to have learned this all important lesson before I was 30.

The next thing I thought about was one of those perceived items; the ability to become a parent. Suffice it to say that control in all things parenting from becoming to being one is an illusion. The GAA part of this experience for me is the ability to be a better parent, to recognize more. One woman compared this to experiencing children more on the level of a grandparent because you have different eyes and understanding. There’s some truth in there. At any rate, I find myself being supremely grateful for these parenting eyes even though obtaining them wasn’t something I was so sure I was on board with during the trial and wait. And I am especially mindful of the blessing that the vision was granted before I had children so I could make the most of the short time I have them.

And finally I couldn’t help but consider the blessing of all things temporal. At the height of my personal health trial came the greatest financial storm of my marriage. My husband and I were so close to the edge of losing everything that to remember now still causes my heart to skip a beat. Up to this point, we felt a level of control and confidence in our temporal situation. We were putting money away in a few different retirement and savings programs, paying more than minimum on our consumer debt payments, making conservative big decisions on our home and cars, and enjoying the freedoms of being your own boss. Sounds great right? It was, right up to the point where the revenue stopped, and I do mean stopped - no trickling, no bleeding, just plain gone. Oh, and now we had a mountain of medical bills too. For six months we plugged holes, depleted resources and extended every ounce of credit waiting and hoping for a new job to be in the cards. Not surprising, the climb out of that hole was no small task. But you know what? You keep climbing. No bankruptcy was declared, bills were paid and life continued albeit a bit strained for a while. And what I learned from all of it was that there is a difference in managing your money and in really having money to manage. I learned that money is not just some means to an end, it is a blessing and a gift that enhances your life if you let it. I learned that perception is everything and I learned it before I was 40.

So you see why I consider myself thrice blessed. Each of these primary areas are major aspects of life and I can’t imagine living my life without the gifts of knowledge that are now mine. This morning I thank the sweet lady that comes to school in a wheelchair each day to see her son off. She is an important reminder of just how blessed I am and sometimes you need the reminder. Maybe there really is something to the “gaa gaa” thing. *wink*

Technorati Tags:
Family Parenting Sharing Emotions Positive Impact Potential Inspiration Perspectives Motherhood Success Deep Thoughts

I’ve been a bit reflective lately, surprising I know. *snort* I’m seeing with more and more clarity how we create our own realities, frame our own expectations and then our very lives based on those thoughts and feelings.

This sounds supremely simple, yet every day the energies and resources spent refuting the truth are insurmountable. For what I hear everyday around me are phrases like: “Well, they’re just a jerk”, “The economy is in the tank so things are bad right now”, “I have no control over that”, “I guess this is just the trial I’m suppose to be going through right now”, “It’s not my fault”, on and on and on. The words shift but the meaning is always there, responsibility is always to be found elsewhere and there’s an excuse for everything, especially when it involves work.

Can you imagine how different things would be if instead of sowing seeds of negativity, victimization and redirects we spent more energy sowing seeds of positivity, empowerment and responsibility?

Yesterday I spent a few minutes reading some of the book “All I Really Needed To Know I Learned in Kindergarten” by Robert Fulghum. I’ve always enjoyed his writings and find re-reading them gives my spirits a little boost. Specific to the thoughts I’m sharing today, the concept of “Clean up your own mess” as one of his lessons fits perfectly. The seeds that are being sown too often and the fruits they bear are those of irresponsibility. Not only do we not recognize that the pickle we’re in is most often direct result of our own making, we expend valuable energy and resources justifying why it’s not our mess to clean up instead of just digging in and getting the job done.

Another common thread I’ve observed is how easy it seems to be to find and see this truth in the lives of others while dismissing ourselves. It’s usually more subtle but it’s still there. I see it manifest in discussions where I hear someone describe a specific problem and then turn it into a spiritual matter saying that faith and prayer will solve it for them. Of course, it’s not said that directly but that’s what I hear. Sadly, people with this attitude will never understand the concept of an answered prayer. For they will not recognize any answer that doesn’t suit them just as my 5 year old fights against every “no” he receives. Hopefully he’ll learn the lesson and carry it with him, hopefully he won’t forget that just because the answer isn’t what you wanted or expected doesn’t mean the answer wasn’t given or isn’t there.

For the past 5 years my husband and I have been implementing, to the best of our ability, a life of personal responsibility, positive affirmations and hard work. We stopped finding fault with circumstances and praying for a rescue from the financial storm we steered our ship into. We stopped using the crutch of uncontrollable health issues and September 11th aftermath as the reasons for our being in the eye of the storm. It didn’t matter because we were in the storm and while these things may have hastened our arrival, our course was set before they hit. Besides that, focusing our energies there sure wouldn’t help us get out of the storm. Not surprising, the journey out of the storm was proportionate in time to our getting into it the first place. There was no single miracle that pulled us out and dropped us on a sunny beach. However, there were daily miracles and daily progress. In fact, things have been beyond good for us, especially within the past couple years and they are growing every day. It’s not free, it’s not easy, it’s not luck. We just started sowing different seeds and now we’re enjoying a very different garden full of variety and sweetness.

Technorati Tags:
Sharing Positive Impact Potential Inspiration Perspectives Balance Success Deep Thoughts

This morning I was reading a friend’s blog post about common sense and how it’s gone on a “permanent vacation” (I loved those words!) Then I went out and looked at some old articles I started to write several months ago. One was titled “Back The Train Up” and I’d begun by sharing how after reading some recent parenting articles I felt robbed at the end but couldn’t place why. Today I think I figured it out and it comes back to the concept Carmi shared this morning about the loss of common sense.

Everyone seems more than able and willing to ‘research’ and write articles, books, etc. on every subject imaginable. Yet most of them seem to be playing a game justifying why a lack of common sense is acceptable. It’s easy to jump on the newest fad or popular bandwagon of rationalization, but at the end of the drive you are left feeling cheated. And heaven knows we all want what is easy.

Take my experience last night. It shows not only a lack of common sense but also the way it is fueled (literally) by a desire for the easy way out.

I was watching a pair of teens make attempts at starting a fire in a fire pit. The goal was to make smores. I walked over to see one holding a piece of paper and lighter in front of her. The other was holding a can she explained was hairspray and was trying to help her friend get a flame going by spraying it. Brilliant.

So I attempted to explain a few basics. I told them that first, there are too many things to list on the “stupidity” front for using a can of hairspray as lighter fluid but suffice it to begin with the fact that you don’t need any help getting paper to burn. Moreover, spraying it in the general direction of the one holding the paper and flame is also a bad idea. This could definitely be listed in the “stupidest stunts” top ten. Second, any fire held up in the breeze is likely going to blow out with the wind before you get it back down to the ground, not to mention the increase in risk for burning yourself, so when starting a fire you should keep the flame as close to the source as possible using the wood and surroundings to provide a protective barrier against any breeze for you. Which brought us to their prepared log formation. Great T-pee formation: of full sized logs! I asked where their kindling was and they both gave me a blank stare. I explained that you can’t start burning full size blocks of wood, you need to build to it and therefore need a pile of kindling - smaller twigs and branches of wood - to get the process going. The one holding hairspray explained that was why they had hairspray because the wood wasn’t catching on fire. *sigh* I was about to give them a full lesson in fire safety and basics of starting when another exuberant teen walked up with a can of gasoline sharing how the problem was solved. Clearly, I needed reinforcements.

At this point I walked over to the parent of the gasoline marauder and another leader informing them that the element of gasoline had just been introduced. The response from the parent was a short wave of the hand saying how glad she was she wasn’t a leader for the group. I guess parent doesn’t count? (A post for another day.)

I look back over to see a blazing fire burning…for about 30 seconds. One of the youth is sent to look for more gasoline. Thankfully, by this point another leader (who later shares how a family member received 3rd degree burns after a lighter fluid can burst in his hands while lighting a fire in a fireplace) steps in to help me bring a close to the gasoline fix. The parent now joined the scene with instructions on where a Duraflame log is and it is retrieved. As it is placed under the full size log T-pee and slowly begins to burn with a small flame on one end. Several minutes pass as the group sit around the tiny flame which moments later turns into a raring blaze after a surprise attack of…you guessed, a cup of gasoline.

I could add another entire chapter on how roasting marshmallows in new flame is missing the point of cooking and roasting in a campfire; how the point is to let the fire burn good and hot long enough to produce coals for that purpose, or even how flinging a marshmallow on fire back and forth isn’t the best way to put the flame out, but I’ll let your imagines finish that part of the story. Perhaps I’ll come back later and tie in the greater lessons we could learn from that but for now let’s move on to the real point of sharing this.

I shared this story because it’s so chuck full of possibilities to explore and fits in nicely with the permanent vacation of common sense. But at a more general level, it typifies life today in a nut shell. Everyone is in such a hurry to find the easy way that it matters not what is sacrificed along the way, common sense being one of the greater causalities, not to mention unhealthy and life threatening hazards. Our “Duraflame” logs may take on different forms, but they still represent a cheating element - the concept that you can replace beginning and foundational steps by cutting a few corners. That it’s as easy as running to the store for what you need, that someone will always be there to provide you an easy out. Even egotism is fed by this growing epidemic, nourishing the belief that nothing but your selfish desires matter and whatever you do to obtain them will be inconsequential. We’ve spent so much time trimming the fat that we never noticed we’ve been whittling away at the meat for so long there’s almost nothing left.

I for one say it’s time to back the train up. Everyone needs to call back common sense from its extended vacation. Everyone needs to step up to the plate and help repair and rebuild critical foundation elements in every aspect of our lives that have been replaced with laziness, instant gratification and debt. Our children need to know and understand how to do things for themselves the right way, what the dangers and hazards are of the easy way and how important this knowledge is. We need to be better teachers and examples. We’re the current engineers and conductors of the train, but we’ll be passing it on to a new generation and we’ll still be on that train for the ride. It’s time to think about that and make some positive changes now so the future journey won’t be disastrous.

Stepping off my soapbox. Thanks for letting me vent.

Techorati Tags:
Parenting Sharing Positive Impact Potential Inspiration Perspectives Deep Thoughts Intellectual

A few weeks ago we took our kids to see the movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles. It was a little scarier than I was expecting and my five year old son quickly found his way to dad’s lap during some of the more intense scenes, but overall it was a fun movie that we all enjoyed. There are many things that come to mind about concepts shared in the film and real life experiences I can relate them to. Maybe I’ll write more about some of those later, but for today I wanted to share the one about protective barriers.

One of the concepts from the movie that has helped me a great deal recently as a parent is the concept of the protective circle. In the movie, there is a spell used that results in a circle of magical toadstools around the house. This creates an invisible shield preventing any of the unwanted and unkind magical creatures from entering the home. In short, it keeps the contents and inhabitants of the home safe from harm. For the majority of the movie this circle is able to perform its job flawlessly but toward the end the adversary finds a way to break the spell and penetrate the circle.

I loved being able to use this visual with teaching my children the importance of creating and maintaining protective circles for our family. I shared how every day they go out into the world and are assailed by a myriad of dangers - most of which they cannot see. Yet even though they go unseen they are very real and can do much harm if allowed. My kids seemed to really like this idea of a protective circle around our home keeping them safe and providing them security. But what I appreciated most was using this analogy to help them see the reasons for some of our recent parenting decisions, especially that of turning off the television several months ago. Up to this point it was hard for them to understand that it wasn’t a punishment, try as we might they still felt utterly deprived and couldn’t comprehend why we didn’t want it in our home anymore. I can’t blame them because we were careful about what we watched on T.V. even when we had it and none of us watched it a lot, so it’s not like they could immediately associate bad influences or feelings from it. But when I told them that what I’ve noticed so much since we removed it is how it was like a door or window in our protective circle, that it presented an invitation to the evils and dangers of the outside world into our home - our very own living room - they seemed to catch a glimmer of the concept. I told them the biggest danger is how subtle it really is because I didn’t clearly see or recognize it until it was no longer there.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that T.V. is evil and we should all ban it, but I am acknowledging the influence it has on us as well as the use of our time. I’m trying so hard to teach my kids the kinds of values and morals that I feel are important: modesty, morality, honesty, kindness, gratitude, and work to name a few. It’s a daunting task as I’m still working on all of these traits myself! Yet, if you look at just those I listed you quickly see how the majority of all programming counters every single one at various levels constantly displaying images, stories, action and drama of their opposites and at the very least takes claim to the time we might spend working on other things. I don’t need that kind of help. The danger with this device is how gloriously subtle and addicting it is. The beauty is how one simple decision could have such a powerful and positive impact on our family. We still have plenty of influences in our home, in fact my daughter still watches the occasional show of her favorite Disney series online, we still have movies and video games and we obviously still go to the movies but by removing the constant presence of the T.V. we strengthened our family’s protective circle. Who knew?

There are countless other protective circles and security measures we as parents need to address today. What are some of the ones you’re working on?

Technorati Tags:
Parenting Sharing Positive Impact Perspectives Motherhood Success Deep Thoughts Intellectual

One of our favorite family things is spending time discussing daily events and details around the dinner table. My daughter is the queen of social interests and frequently charters discussions about work associates and all things social. Well, last night a teaching moment presented itself during our discussion. My daughter started asking her dad about some of his co-workers however, the way she brought up who she was asking about left much to be desired. Her dad told her how much better it is to use a person’s name rather than personal traits or habits. He helped her see that it could hurt someone’s feelings if they heard you saying things like “the guy who smokes”, or “the guy who likes cars”, etc. instead of their name, just as you wouldn’t want someone to introduce or describe you using similar criteria. She wasn’t doing it in a mean way she just wasn’t thinking about it and it caused me to reflect on how important it is to teach our kids such basic principles. It’s such a small thing yet it carries deep impact.

Names are important, how we use them are important. No one likes to hear their names associated with negativity, whether it’s an unkind disciplinary tone or garnished with rubbish and rumors. And regardless of how often you hear it, there are no exceptions to the rule shared by my husband. Ironically, just a few weeks ago the primary exception by most was the topic of discussion in a lesson I attended. It reminded me of the importance of how we treat one another. A few of the class shared their experiences having siblings with a disability like down syndrome. They said how much it hurts them to hear others always list the disability before or in place of their name because we’re all of equal importance and we’re all first and foremost humans, children of God. I know I would cringe if someone aired my dirty laundry or personal weaknesses as an introduction in place of or in front of my name. Further, you will be hard pressed to find anyone with a disability that doesn’t use the nicest words and compliments to describe those around them. I wonder who has the greater handicap.

I repeat, names are important. I remember hearing an answer once to a question once that stuck with me. I don’t remember the exact question, but it had something to do with coming up with one thing you’d like most to give to your parents if you could. The answer given was to honor their name and never bring it shame. How well we would all do to remember such a basic concept. What a wonderful world this would be if we made promises to ourselves and others that their names would be safe in our home.

It seems to me that one of the things we continually seem to lose in today’s world is basic respect and civility for one another. There was a time when men honored their own names as well as those of others - a time when honor was most precious. I was reminded of this time in a book I just read placed in the late 1800s. Even when something major was known about someone, it was not shared even within a family relationship. Privacy was respected and people didn’t feel it their job to share another’s private affairs. Today it seems that few people can open their mouths without it being to discuss another person’s mistakes or dirty laundry behind their backs. It’s not that these people are bad people either, in fact I know many a wonderful person who struggles with this often not even recognizing how often they do it. For them it is rarely a malicious decision, it is merely a learned behavior repeated so often that it becomes unnoticed and acceptable.

It’s not acceptable. They say what goes around comes around and I have found this to be true. I know people that I will not share things with because they have loose tongues. I remember my mother stopping me dead in my tracks one day while repeating things I’d heard another say by her sad countenance and response that she wondered what that person said about her behind her back. It was a sickening feeling, instantly shedding new light on things for me. And I will NEVER forget the day I was complaining to a new temp at the front desk about our new director only to turn around and find him right behind me. I vowed that day never to put myself into such a pickle again!

I’ve shared it before, but the reality is if any one of the three rules are a “no” you keep your mouth shut:
1) Is it true?
2) Is it kind?
3) Is it necessary?

If those are too hard to remember there’s the golden rule of doing unto others as you would have done unto you. Or better yet the old adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” But above all, I think starting with the importance of names is a good place to begin. If we can respect and keep safe our own family name and that of others within the walls of our homes, I think we’ll be on the right track.

Technorati Tags:
Parenting Positive Impact Relationships Perspectives Motherhood Deep Thoughts

I had a long discussion with my husband last night on this topic. It saddens me so much that today’s youth and first generation parents are, in general, completely devoid of decorum.

de·co·rum [di-kawr-uhm, -kohr-]
–noun
1. dignified propriety of behavior, speech, dress, etc.
2. the quality or state of being decorous; orderliness; regularity.
3. Usually, decorums. an observance or requirement of polite society.
[Origin: 1560–70; < L decōrum, n. use of neut. of decōrus decorous]

—Synonyms 1. politeness, manners, dignity. See etiquette.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

I watch youth every day explore the waters of human interaction with an increasing disability to succeed. I believe one big reason is the lost virtue of decorum. Not only do our youth not have it, many of the their parents are missing it too and thus the problem perpetuates with each passing generation. No wonder they don't have dignity, they can't even understand it.

There was a time when it was almost too much, a time when the focus of manners was perhaps stifling and bred some silent suffering. But now we have run to the other side of the cliff and I find myself longing for a happy medium. I loved the line in the National Treasure movie about how people really don't talk that way anymore but they still feel it. I think that's true and I wish more people today would spend a little more energy finding better ways to express themselves than with grunts and slang.

I went through a charm school when I was a teen. I learned a lot of basic information on decorum. I suppose it was a crash course, or Reader's Digest condensed version of what a finishing school of days past might have been like covering everything from basic table manners, to sitting up straight and knowing how to dress nicely to communication skills and basic human decency. I have since shared that education with others as a coach on poise and charm and am constantly amazed at how many people don't know even the most basic of decorum principles. Most are content to scoff and scorn the concept as proper and prude table manners that they have no need of, clearly showing how little a grasp they have of the concept. Everyone needs a basic level of personal decorum.

Last night as my husband and I discussed this I shared some recent events where some young ladies speaking were so out of line and inappropriate for the circumstances but what saddened me most was how absolutely oblivious they were. Even more disappointing was observing how many other people in the group seemed equally unaffected. My husband chimed in about a recent discussion he had with a group of 17 year olds and how they were unable to respond with any answers or conversation that were more than one word. He tried to get them to see the impact of not learning right now how to respond in full sentences and engage in conversation because one day their ability to secure a job will depend on such a simple skill. They simply couldn't see how every situation couldn't be aptly broached with a response of "foooootball." As we talked more about it I told him how sad it was to me that while it's disturbing that they lack the ability to respond with more than one sluggish or slang word, it is even more disheartening to me that they can't see how these responses communicate a lack of respect to the other person. The same way that showing up at someone's special event like a wedding in your daily, casual attire communicates they don't mean enough to you for you to spend a few extra minutes dressing up. It's not unlike shouting out that you don't really care about them and their special milestones.

I don't know what the future holds, but I only see bad things getting worse raising a generation of kids who don't how to talk without their thumbs. Who do parents think are going to teach their kids these basics? Do they think it is something that just appears or happens by itself one day like magic? When you have to tell a 17 year old to put their phone away during a lesson or to stop texting during a prayer it speaks volumes about how much of the big "D" is really missing.

I think the world would do well to step back and do a little personal research on the word decorum. I think more parents and leaders need to step up and help support the importance of it in the world every day, in every aspect of our lives and interactions with others. I want my kids to know what dignity is and to have a desire to both obtain and protect it in their own lives. Decorum is not an outdated element of the past and it's time we all wake up and realize that. It is a necessity for growth and human decency. Decorum is so basic that it should proceed the obtaining of every other good virtue and trait, setting the stage to receive instruction and learning. It is what separates the good from the great and I for one think we need a healthy dose of it.

Technorati Tags:
Positive Impact Relationships Perspectives Deep Thoughts

Last night we talked with our kids about what it means to raise the bar. It was a good exercise to help them understand what it means and to help them stretch themselves. Their dad retold the story of the father who comes home to see his son practicing the high jump. He had the bar set at the required height to qualify for district competitions and was clearing the jump each time. His dad asked him how it was going and he answered confidently that he could clear the bar with ease. When he then asked how high he’d been able to jump he replied that he hadn’t tried a higher height than the qualification requirement. So he explained to his son that if he never raised the bar he’d never know how high he could jump and succeed.

So often in my life I find myself content to leave the bar at the minimum requirement. At first even that can be challenging, but over time and repetition it gets easier and easier. Yet having the discipline to raise it remains elusive. So last night we talked about ways to raise the bar in our own lives. I helped my 5 year son whittle down the task to one day or thing to get out of the blanket “be good” answer and he decided that he’d set a goal to not whine on Sunday about going to church but to smile and be happy. It’s a good start. *smile* When I asked my 10 year old daughter what she could do she said she could be nicer to her brother. I smiled and asked her how and she replied that she could not yell or fight with him. I told her that was great but that was actually the minimum requirement in our house and challenged her to think of a way she could raise that minimum. After a few minutes she said, “I could help him with his homework or read to him.” I told her that was a beautiful idea.

For myself, I’ve worked on increasing the self-discipline required to get out of bed earlier in the morning. It’s gone well this week and there’s been a notable difference in the peace and kindness in our home before going out the door for school, not to mention starting the day with a clean kitchen sink! The scene was set for good things and then my daughter raised my parental pride meter to the high reds when she showed me how she’d really grasped this concept. She gave her little brother a big hug before leaving, called him ’sugarbug’ and wished him a wonderful day. It sounds small, but this was beyond raising the bar a little compared to the normal hustle and bustle, let alone intolerant comments of mornings past and the entire drive to school was spent hearing him talk about how sweet it was that his sister called him a sugarbug and how nice she was.

I worry about our kids in society today. They have so much at their disposal helping them lower the bar instead of raise it. Learning basic social skills and common civility is lost in the absorption of text messaging, cell phones and other technology communication devices. Stretching their brains and muscles is too often replaced with mindless computer, video games or TV. I don’t think it’s going to be enough for parents in our generation to encourage their kids to play outside once and a while or read a book once and while. I think parents are going to have the raise the bar within their own homes to compensate for these influences. I think parents are going to have to raise the bar for themselves.

The start may be small, but those tiny adjustments at the hinge have big impact on the swing radius at the end of the gate.

Technorati Tags:
Parenting Positive Impact Inspiration Deep Thoughts