Ever have that sinking feeling? So did this truck driver yesterday when he delivered a load of rock to mom’s yard.

He might have made it if he hadn’t stopped to make sure he wasn’t sinking too much. But those few moments gave those front tires enough time to sink to a point the back ones just couldn’t push them out. Even lightening the load by dumping the rock wasn’t enough.

For better reference on the level sunk, check out Taylor standing outside, and then inside the spot where that front tire was.

Now, the positive in this sunken tale is the good nature of people. Upon getting stuck, the driver asked if there were any neighbors that might have a tracker to provide the needed pull. After a few calls, my mom found a neighbor who willingly came to offer help. Leaving what they were doing, literally dropping everything to come to help in that moment. That is awesome to me.

Are we really any different? Too often, we take just a moment too long before action and find ourselves sunk. We think we can fix it ourselves by just offloading something, only to find the more we attempt at our own recovery, the deeper we make the ruts. Maybe our situation isn’t physically visible, but I’d wager we all have some personal ruts. Sometimes life is going to find us sunk and it’s going to take a helpful pull to get out. Wouldn’t it be sad if no one came?

No matter which side we’re on - needing a pull or being able to provide one - I think there’s a lesson in this sinking feeling.

My thoughts this morning are centered around the time of year. The leaves are turning colors, getting ready for a winter sleep. This process of change, of preparing for a period of dormancy is a pattern in our lives too. A new baby makes me think of spring, a walk in the autumn air with an aged loved one makes me think of fall.

There is something about this turning I can’t quite explain. I think it is because it feels like something of a paradox to me. There is sadness in the knowledge of expiration, of a season’s growth and lifespan being completed and spent. Perhaps even a hint of dread for the quiet that is waiting around the corner. Yet, at the same time there is great joy and satisfaction in the results of a productive and full lifespan; a reminder that after the sleep will come a new season of renewal and new beginnings. It is odd that there can be both conflict and peace within the concept of turning. And yet, these are the thoughts tumbling around simultaneously in my head this morning.

There’s also the concept of clean up of that happens in the fall. The time when you’ve reaped your harvest and it’s time to clear the expired corn stalks and other plants away. This past weekend, I helped work on clearing the corn patch at my parent’s, I also took on getting some of the dead branches out of an old choke cherry bush. As I looked at the results of the work, I was struck with how often I should be doing this in my own life. How, I need to be looking for habits, choices, etc. that are in need of being cleaned out. This process is painful. I came home with many scratches from branches not wanting to be disturbed, and sore muscles from roots desperately trying to hold their ground. And as I look at this picture, I am filled with satisfaction and hope of what the results will bring next spring.

So it is with me. Old habits die hard, but the promise of better ones to replace them are worth the pain and effort. I don’t want to look back on my life and regret time wasted. Perhaps a little less time spent playing games or socializing on the computer and a little more reading, reflecting and writing. Perhaps a little less time worrying about others and more worrying about myself. I’m feeling a sense that I need to follow nature’s lead this season.

I’d be lying if I said these thoughts don’t also cause a slight pang in my heart when I think of loved ones. This picture describes the very visuals and precious memories that I’m trying to describe.

This is my husband walking and talking with his grandpa in his garden. Grandpa Melvin turned 90 this year. How we love this sweet man. This picture sums up his amazing life of farming, teaching, loving and sharing. How can I help but want to keep him with us? Yet, knowing the joy that is waiting for him when he crosses this life’s veil, when he will be reunited with his sweetheart and loved ones on the other side causes me to also want for him to be able to go. I am back at my paradox. Turning is hard. Turning is necessary. Turning is progress. Turning is good.

Where to start? I sat down in a race against the clock to blog a few thoughts running through my head on how today feels like an almost day to me. One of those moments when you feel like you almost reached the mark on so many things. As I was struggling to organize my thoughts, I decided maybe a definition or two might help, so I opened a new window to google the word. I started glossing over the page and then I hit the bottom link and stopped short. I think you’ll see why.

Its link is purple because I HAD to click on that to see if it was really mine. It is! I’m down to 10 minutes to post this now and my mind is spinning in the oddity of seeing my own link come up on a search. Regardless of Google’s changes and internal patterns, seeing something of your own come up on a search page is pretty fun!

Almost: to nearly but not exactly achieve something. Do you ever have an almost day? A day when you reflect on how you’re almost at a new deadline, almost ready to take another step in a process or project? Or maybe just a reflection moment on how you almost reached a goal, expectation, etc.? I was having just this experience when I sat down to start this post; thinking on how we’re almost at the point of knowing what the future weeks and schedule bring regarding our upcoming move. How it’s almost time to pick up my son from school. How it was almost warm enough to enjoy being by the pool for an afternoon reading excursion.

I’m almost there in so many ways, and SO NOT in so many others. It’s a brain bender. So I’ll end this post with a quote that struck me with incredible impact the first time I saw it years ago in a commercial. The words were being spoken by the author and the reality of his words made a mark that EXACTLY hit the mark.

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
~Michael Jordan

So here’s to the almost days, the many little failures that allow us to succeed. Here’s to success!

The wise advice to be prepared is timeless. Yet, I’m continually surprised at the depth of it. There was a time when it meant being ready to take a test or turn in an assignment; a time when it was about hitting a work deadline, and eventually a time when it was about taking steps of independence and starting my own family. That brought an onslaught of new applications to the principle and they moved through my life in perfect harmony with the winds of growth and progress which defined each season. On this note, I must express gratitude for this passing of time and progress. While some elements are those of which you desire an end to never come, there are plenty counterparts that keep you praying for a new day NOW.

Another interesting spin on this preparedness concept runs parallel to daily life. The wisdom of preparation steps in your life to help in times of scarcity make the difference between weathering a storm and being beaten by it. It’s better to be the industrious ant or squirrel than starving in winter. At the time, you may store up reserves thinking it’s for a big calamity or natural disaster, but it’s far more likely to be a personal winter; a lost job, wayward child, etc. And when you go through a few of these you can’t help but understand preparedness in a new light. It’s not about having a year’s supply of food or a garage full of emergency equipment, it’s about being able and willing to step up when the call comes. It means being emotionally and psychologically open to options and solutions as much as being physically able and willing to perform them. It may be a call to move for employment, to make changes impacting your children’s lives and ability to flourish or it could be as simple as being able to give your neighbor that egg or cup of sugar they just ran out of. The size and scope of arising needs is a colorful rainbow of opportunities, and they often intersect with the lives of others.

When my husband and I made the decision to move a few months ago, a key element of our decision was to prepare ourselves for the future. Although we couldn’t define why, we both felt a strong need to free ourselves from objects limiting our capacity to accept potential opportunities. (Like moving to Spain for example.) This move has been key in that process, in cutting financial strings. Surprisingly, it has also enabled us to consider things we wouldn’t have before.

Some things you can’t prepare for. You can’t even predict them. But I’m learning that when you’re doing your best to be prepared, that very process can be your strongest ally in the world of unknowns.

Our time here in California looks to be short. There are needs on the home front with my parents, there are needs within my growing family that being in our hometown can fill. We are now in a position and mindset to consider and deal with both. We couldn’t have seen or predicted these events, and yet here we are evaluating them. The stars seem to be lining up in a way that points to every step we’ve taken to this point having been to that end. Crazy how you can start out climbing one ladder only to realize when you get to the top that it’s pointing to one across the room. So on to the process of building a bridge between them.

So, this Spain thing has really brought some changes. A few months ago my husband and I were comfortably on the accumulation path. You know, the path of getting and then paying off the process of getting things. Things run your life. You don’t mean for it to happen, you don’t intend to give intangible items such control over your time, energy, resources and emotions but somehow they repeatedly end up in the driver’s seat. Somehow the drawers fill up, the closets become black holes and the garage…well, we won’t even go there to say nothing of the bank statements and credit bills that find their way to you.

I find that even with awareness of the accumulation path danger, I still find myself on it far too often. And it’s not enough to just get a few things because once you obtain those said things the next step is to upgrade. The small things happen almost without thought - the new computer, vacuum, etc., while other things seem to find a way to reproduce on their own like all the contents of a junk or makeup drawer, or how about that infernal missing sock pile?! The big things are not immune either, in fact they’re more visible and therefore tend to stay on the list (or mind) like the newer car, bigger house, etc., etc., etc.

Most people won’t reach the point of self awareness on this topic until they are one foot away from the grave - when they are literally forced with the reality that you can’t take “things” with you. Suddenly, the definitions of what really matters comes into view with clarity and new beliefs are formed around traditional ones. If you’re lucky, you may be fortunate enough to go through various levels of this re-evaluation exercise earlier. I’ve gone through smaller levels of this exercise with each move, especially those that cross multiple states. Yet even with that I still find myself looking around wondering how I managed to get so much stuff again.

The reality is, if this Spain opportunity pans out we’ve already decided on the process of elimination and retaining “things” at least generally speaking. We’d take the basics of clothing, toiletries and our technology of cell phones and computers. Virtually everything else would go minus a few items we’d ask family to store for us like some artwork,the one piece of furniture made for me by a family member, photos, awards - that type of stuff. The mentality shifts from ownership to renting, being tied down to freedom. Once you’ve crossed the initial hurdle of resetting your expectations and parameters, I find it’s actually quite exhilarating. In fact, we’ve already had discussions about how accomplish these same goals even if the Spain thing doesn’t work out.

I wish I could put into words the exhilaration that’s resulted from this mindset of letting go of all previous ideas and assumptions about so many things. Suffice it to say, regardless of what happens I’ll be forever grateful for the reset button experience.

A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. First, we got a call that Blake’s grandma Faye wasn’t expected to live beyond a few days to a few weeks. This is a picture of her (front row, third from the left) in 2003, when Taylor’s adoption was finalized.

Last summer, we visited her at the nursing home where she’s been living for the past 2 years. Time and dementia have taken their toll on her. Time has given my little Taylor several more feet of height too, but note that the platinum blonde hair remains as true as when he was one. Personally, I’m just grateful that the pacifier isn’t still affixed to his mouth, there were days when I wondered if we’d ever successfully lose it. But I digress.

The point is, you think you understand what it means to endure, or what the phrase “Endure to the end” means, and then you reflect on the aging/exit process of this life and realize you don’t know anything about it all. This wonderful woman who has lived a full life and always been so vibrant and strong is powerless against the powers of death. I hate this reality, I really do.

So for the past two weeks we’ve waited for the call that would initiate the drive to Idaho. We’re still waiting. I’m not sure what to think about that. On the one hand I’m utterly amazed at the human spirit and ability to cling to life when it seems impossible. On the other, I’m saddened that relief can’t be delivered for this loved one. And so I find myself thinking it’s too much to process and must think on other things.

So on we go to my second arena of thought: Madrid, Spain.

Last week I left a closing line on my post of wondering what I’d be thinking this week. Well, I’m still thinking…a lot. You know how the hourglass works; tiny beads of sand stream through a tiny opening to fill the bottom of the jar - you know eventually it will get down there, but sometimes the process feels impossibly slow. That’s this process in a nutshell. The long and short is that this possibility is still on the docket and gaining momentum every day. Six months from now I could be living in Madrid. This is about the time I feel my eyes going blurry from input overload and I’m back to the same point of needing to think on other things.

So right now I’m distracting myself with blogging. It’s a good distraction and one that I’ve not had much time for lately (nor my garden or yard by the looks of things.) As I look at this picture from 2003 my mind is flooded with thoughts and memories. Where does the time go? It wasn’t that long ago that he was small enough to cradle in my arms, not that long since he wrapped his little fingers around mine moments after birth. My cute little Cidderbug is younger in this photo than Taylor is today. That adorable little spirit is just as vibrant, only now it’s blossoming into a beautiful young woman. It’s a lot to process.

Admittedly, I tend to spend more than a fair share of my time and energies on preventative activities. I’m a big believer in the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” girl. I absolutely loathe panic and stress, and I’ve found that spending an adequate time planning and thinking ahead push panic and stress into near extinction.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you really don’t want to do it, it’s a priority.

Procrastination is the killer of productivity, and the reverse is true. If you become productive, you kill procrastination. It’s amazing how the snowball affect works for either side; whichever one you put first grows. I’ve found that if I’m continually putting off a task two things happen: 1) I do the stink’n job in my head several times - this is like unto worrying/stressing about it, which is utterly stupid and frustrating as it only needs done once, and 2) I feel like my to do list is larger than it really is, again utterly stupid and frustrating as it adds to the feeling of burden and worry. It’s why there is an overwhelming feeling of relief when you finally get that task or project done that’s been haunting you. So here’s my personal tip on recognizing this blackhole trap: if it feels small enough to be put on the back burner, and more importantly STAY on the back burner, it’s time to move to the front.

Here’s another one: If you think the small things don’t matter, you’re wrong.

This is one of the greatest illusions of all time. There’s some logic to it, I mean after all if you can easily see or identify something action is sure to follow. However, most fail to recognize that without foundational “small things” in place there would be no hope of anything growing to a size you’d readily identify. No matter how great or big the final product is, trace it back to its origins and you’ll have the proof that small things matter… a lot.

The moral of the post: Take a few minutes to identify the things you’ve been pushing off. Throw out the mentality that only the big things matter. Just do it, no matter how small, how menial, how unpleasant. If you want to make a big directional impact to the sway of your gate, you’ve got to make some corrections at the hinge.

While walking out front the other day, I spied this tiny little nest sitting in my guava tree:

The entire thing would have fit neatly in the palm of a small child, yet the warmth and protection emanating from it would fill an entire heart. I couldn’t help but think about the representation it is of parenting. The time spent weaving a protective, safe, warm and nourishing environment for our children is a labor of love. Like these little birds, we make use of every available resource to protect our treasure inside. I don’t know if you can make it out in this photo or not, but the entire edging of this nest is a soft cotton like substance. I don’t know where it was found, or even what it is, I just know it added a layer of protective comfort that was almost tangible. How like a parent to creatively weave a little extra love and warmth into their efforts!

To pull down the branch and spy the contents was awesome. How cute are these adorable little jelly bean sized eggs? Kind of like our kids when they’re so tiny. Would that we could remember and retain this image in our heads when they try us as they grow! And try us they do and try us they will - some may even fall out of the nest. But one day they will be the parents, building their own nests of protection and love for their posterity. What will they have learned from us?

I hope I’m like these little birds. I hope I’m as diligent and dedicated to my job of protector and nurturer, that I’d give anything and everything to give my little ones every chance at reaching their potential. Some days it feels like I can only relate to squawking mouths! Then I see this visual and everything comes back into focus. No labor is too small, no element unimportant when it comes to parenting.

Don’t Forget!

Of all life’s lessons, perhaps few are greater than the one of remembering to say thank you. I’m constantly amazed at how powerful these two words are and the good that can come from sharing them. Want to put a spin on it? Try starting with these two amazing words, you’ll be glad you did.

I’ve been hit lately with the recognition and importance of good things. I’ve always known that negative screams, it’s why we tend to notice it most, but the positive is always there waiting patiently and quietly to be found. Here’s some I found lurking amongst my “negatives” today:

Weeds: So they’re all over my backyard reminding me of how much work there is to do, but they personify determination and a free spirit and when they’re gone I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing a job has been done.

Stunted: These little flowers made it out of the ground, even blossomed but they’re only a few inches tall and the flowers are about the size of my thumbnail. What a reminder of how important nourishment is. It’s so easy to stunt ourselves and our growth, I wonder what I’m holding onto that I need to let go of and what things I need to be embracing more to nourish myself?

Bare: My new trees are budding but still look so bare, yet the promise that sings from those little budding leaves is amazing!

Too Late: I didn’t get some of my broccoli stocks cut before they began to flower, now I can’t eat them but boy they look pretty, big and strong. Maybe the late bloomer is stronger and prettier for the delay?

Influence: “Bloom where you’re planted” came to mind as I looked at these flowers planted side by side at the same time. I wonder what made one take off and the other not? Am I blooming?

Sideways Volunteer: First the picture is sideways, just like I feel somedays! Second this is a volunteer tree or shrub, it’s finding it’s way without any direct help or nourishment from me…..hmmmmmm

Unglued: Ug, this is the face of my pool cool deck, it’s literally coming unglued everywhere and chipping like crazy. I guess the upside is change is imminent and won’t it look nice and be appreciated when it’s redone?!

Dirty: Two pool steps, one got cleaned off when my son tested the water temperature this week, the next step remains neglected and dirty as the vacuum doesn’t climb stairs. I wonder what I’m neglecting because it’s a little harder to get to? The clean sure looks nice!

Cycles: Death is unavoidable, yet new growth is always there to replenish.

Singed: Some of these tomato plant leaves were singed by frost and cold, yet they didn’t let that stop their growth. There’s a lesson or two in there somewhere.

Clean Up: It’s too heavy to lift now, but it indicates progress don’t you think?

I think I’m really struck with the reality of how our perceptions paint our reality. I know so many people who find a blame or excuse for everything, including making good things look bad. But the reality is, there’s good in almost everything. You just have to look for it to see it. I hope I’m the kind of person that encourages good things with those that associate with me. I hope I’m a lifter and not a leaner, at least not all the time!

So what’s good in your life?