My thoughts this morning are centered around the time of year. The leaves are turning colors, getting ready for a winter sleep. This process of change, of preparing for a period of dormancy is a pattern in our lives too. A new baby makes me think of spring, a walk in the autumn air with an aged loved one makes me think of fall.

There is something about this turning I can’t quite explain. I think it is because it feels like something of a paradox to me. There is sadness in the knowledge of expiration, of a season’s growth and lifespan being completed and spent. Perhaps even a hint of dread for the quiet that is waiting around the corner. Yet, at the same time there is great joy and satisfaction in the results of a productive and full lifespan; a reminder that after the sleep will come a new season of renewal and new beginnings. It is odd that there can be both conflict and peace within the concept of turning. And yet, these are the thoughts tumbling around simultaneously in my head this morning.

There’s also the concept of clean up of that happens in the fall. The time when you’ve reaped your harvest and it’s time to clear the expired corn stalks and other plants away. This past weekend, I helped work on clearing the corn patch at my parent’s, I also took on getting some of the dead branches out of an old choke cherry bush. As I looked at the results of the work, I was struck with how often I should be doing this in my own life. How, I need to be looking for habits, choices, etc. that are in need of being cleaned out. This process is painful. I came home with many scratches from branches not wanting to be disturbed, and sore muscles from roots desperately trying to hold their ground. And as I look at this picture, I am filled with satisfaction and hope of what the results will bring next spring.

So it is with me. Old habits die hard, but the promise of better ones to replace them are worth the pain and effort. I don’t want to look back on my life and regret time wasted. Perhaps a little less time spent playing games or socializing on the computer and a little more reading, reflecting and writing. Perhaps a little less time worrying about others and more worrying about myself. I’m feeling a sense that I need to follow nature’s lead this season.

I’d be lying if I said these thoughts don’t also cause a slight pang in my heart when I think of loved ones. This picture describes the very visuals and precious memories that I’m trying to describe.

This is my husband walking and talking with his grandpa in his garden. Grandpa Melvin turned 90 this year. How we love this sweet man. This picture sums up his amazing life of farming, teaching, loving and sharing. How can I help but want to keep him with us? Yet, knowing the joy that is waiting for him when he crosses this life’s veil, when he will be reunited with his sweetheart and loved ones on the other side causes me to also want for him to be able to go. I am back at my paradox. Turning is hard. Turning is necessary. Turning is progress. Turning is good.

Where to start? I sat down in a race against the clock to blog a few thoughts running through my head on how today feels like an almost day to me. One of those moments when you feel like you almost reached the mark on so many things. As I was struggling to organize my thoughts, I decided maybe a definition or two might help, so I opened a new window to google the word. I started glossing over the page and then I hit the bottom link and stopped short. I think you’ll see why.

Its link is purple because I HAD to click on that to see if it was really mine. It is! I’m down to 10 minutes to post this now and my mind is spinning in the oddity of seeing my own link come up on a search. Regardless of Google’s changes and internal patterns, seeing something of your own come up on a search page is pretty fun!

Almost: to nearly but not exactly achieve something. Do you ever have an almost day? A day when you reflect on how you’re almost at a new deadline, almost ready to take another step in a process or project? Or maybe just a reflection moment on how you almost reached a goal, expectation, etc.? I was having just this experience when I sat down to start this post; thinking on how we’re almost at the point of knowing what the future weeks and schedule bring regarding our upcoming move. How it’s almost time to pick up my son from school. How it was almost warm enough to enjoy being by the pool for an afternoon reading excursion.

I’m almost there in so many ways, and SO NOT in so many others. It’s a brain bender. So I’ll end this post with a quote that struck me with incredible impact the first time I saw it years ago in a commercial. The words were being spoken by the author and the reality of his words made a mark that EXACTLY hit the mark.

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
~Michael Jordan

So here’s to the almost days, the many little failures that allow us to succeed. Here’s to success!

Life with ADHD isn’t impossible, it even has its upsides. I’ve spent the last 7 years learning more about what ADHD is and what it isn’t; how to help cope with the challenges and even how to have some glimmers of success. I’m grateful for this knowledge, and one day I’ll be grateful for the reason I needed to learn it. Unfortunately, that day is not today. Today I am frustrated. Today I feel inadequate. Today, I’m drowning in a pool of irritation and inability and it looks like this:

This was my attempt at explaining to my thirteen year old daughter this morning what she does that makes me and everyone else in our family so crazy. I was trying to visually show her what it feels like to talk with her.

There was an episode on the Brady Bunch years ago about living by exact words. Greg attempts to slip up his parents and get his way by pointing out how their exact wording didn’t account for his actions. The moral of the story/episode was living by exact words is dreadfully impossible and frustrating. Well, that is our most recent development hurdle with our ADHD daughter. She gets hung up on words. No matter what we say, she seems to focus on one word to argue over. To her conversational counterpart, this feels like she’s screaming a message of not listening. In this example, I’d be saying the phrase and she’d respond with an argument that it was more like yelling, singing, etc. and not talking; completely missing the forest for the tree and causing me to want to pull my hair out in frustration.

Admittedly, we got off on the wrong foot this morning. The first topic of study resulted in a push back and battle of wills. When I started pointing out some corrections on her creative writing project she bristled. I bristled back. After a few terse words and both of us verbally agreeing to start over and “fix” the problem. I moved on to the next lesson of format when writing quotes. First, she cut me off before I could finish what I was going to say. This didn’t lend well to fixing things and caused me an opportunity to rant on how frustrating it is to be interrupted, especially when she didn’t know what I was going to say. She thought I was going to point out grammar details like capitalization and quotation marks. I told her no, actually I was going to point out with the help of the current book she’s reading how conversation is written in paragraph form. She relented a little with a simple sorry. But the moment I resumed with an example she responded with a correction on an exact word in the example. Snap.

Now, in the time it’s taken me to write this, she’s continued through her own frustration. For the first five minutes I heard pounding on the keypad of her laptop and huge sights as she worked on her story and corrections. The next five minutes brought singing of music while she typed, and the following five a request to be done on this project and work on something else. She also sent me an instant message asking me to please forgive her for making me so frustrated and she was sorry. This is one of the great upsides of ADHD. In 15 minutes the world changes and all is right for her again.

This is when I am actually a bit envious of her abilities. To work through frustrations and confrontations so quickly and so completely, to forget everything that just made you so crazy so quickly…well, suffice it to say, I think this would be a wondrous gift!

While I don’t possess this ability, I can benefit from its contagious nature. My pool of frustration is on the decline and my breathing has normalized. I still worry that I can’t figure out how to penetrate that shell of understanding. I don’t know how to reach her and help her develop these life skills that are so critical to her future success. I worry that they will become permanent handicaps for her in her future relations and life experiences. I find a measure of comfort in remember past developmental hurdles and how I worried the same way then, but she did master many of the concepts and habits that I wasn’t sure she ever would. There is hope. There is always hope. For today that has to be enough.

This post comes during a “life time-out”, or as it shall be known by me from this point on. A time when the daily life routine is interrupted for an important news flash. I’d be remiss not to follow the pattern and take a time out from my daily routine to write about it.

My heart is as full as my eyes at the moment, which just happen to be overflowing with emotion. I just hung up the phone with a friend. While content is personal, the feeling is universal. This dear friend isn’t someone I can put a tally of years next to, our time together was relatively short. It’s been several months since we had interaction, I’m chagrinned to reflect on the probability that I didn’t even get a Christmas card to her (I so hope I did!!). But here’s the magic, none of that matters because frankly, none of that matters. It’s not how long you know someone - it’s how well. It’s not the things you don’t do - it’s the things you do. Some people you get to know because you work with them, others because you serve with them, others because you share similar life experiences or live next to them, and the list of reasons goes on and on. The bottom line is there is a list and its bottom line is the same: people, that’s what it it’s all about folks, people.

On a day when my mood has been a reflection of the continuous rain outside (for all those friends who endure many days of rain, I have a newfound respect for you!), I can sit here at my computer and reflect how moments of interaction with friends through the day have brought me intermittent rainbows. One doesn’t know this because she was simply sending me an email which brought on some discussion during my day, but it was a rainbow all the same. In fact, most of the people who do much for me probably don’t know it. I try to express my gratitude and love often, but I know I miss more than I catch. If my friends who read and comment on my posts here could see what they do for my heart, they might be surprised. It seems so little a thing, but it all comes back to those who take the time to make the time. The busy dad in Oregon, the friend I met in a chat room so many years ago when our daughters were babes and who bless her heart still finds ways to find me and reach out to me, the co-worker from years ago, and the list goes on and on. Or how about that sweet lady who smiled at me at the grocery store, or the nice man who offered to take my cart when I’d unloaded the bags? Yes, they added rainbow fragments to my day too. If I had but the immediate memory and time to write about each of them I could fill an entire page. If I could extend it to those who have touched my life it would turn into volumes. If I could wrap it all up I’d have a lifting power beyond imagination. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Trust in your heart. Trust in your feelings. When you find yourself thinking you should just call someone you should. It’s the someones in your life that make it worth living. It’s the calls you make that make the difference.

I’m taking a life time out to share my thoughts. To openly put out there how grateful I am for all the people that make my little world go round. You are many. You are amazing. You are what it’s all about.

These are pictures of Redwood City, California - the place where Blake has accepted a job offer and where we’ll be moving to the end of next month.

I’m still reeling - excited, but reeling.

A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. First, we got a call that Blake’s grandma Faye wasn’t expected to live beyond a few days to a few weeks. This is a picture of her (front row, third from the left) in 2003, when Taylor’s adoption was finalized.

Last summer, we visited her at the nursing home where she’s been living for the past 2 years. Time and dementia have taken their toll on her. Time has given my little Taylor several more feet of height too, but note that the platinum blonde hair remains as true as when he was one. Personally, I’m just grateful that the pacifier isn’t still affixed to his mouth, there were days when I wondered if we’d ever successfully lose it. But I digress.

The point is, you think you understand what it means to endure, or what the phrase “Endure to the end” means, and then you reflect on the aging/exit process of this life and realize you don’t know anything about it all. This wonderful woman who has lived a full life and always been so vibrant and strong is powerless against the powers of death. I hate this reality, I really do.

So for the past two weeks we’ve waited for the call that would initiate the drive to Idaho. We’re still waiting. I’m not sure what to think about that. On the one hand I’m utterly amazed at the human spirit and ability to cling to life when it seems impossible. On the other, I’m saddened that relief can’t be delivered for this loved one. And so I find myself thinking it’s too much to process and must think on other things.

So on we go to my second arena of thought: Madrid, Spain.

Last week I left a closing line on my post of wondering what I’d be thinking this week. Well, I’m still thinking…a lot. You know how the hourglass works; tiny beads of sand stream through a tiny opening to fill the bottom of the jar - you know eventually it will get down there, but sometimes the process feels impossibly slow. That’s this process in a nutshell. The long and short is that this possibility is still on the docket and gaining momentum every day. Six months from now I could be living in Madrid. This is about the time I feel my eyes going blurry from input overload and I’m back to the same point of needing to think on other things.

So right now I’m distracting myself with blogging. It’s a good distraction and one that I’ve not had much time for lately (nor my garden or yard by the looks of things.) As I look at this picture from 2003 my mind is flooded with thoughts and memories. Where does the time go? It wasn’t that long ago that he was small enough to cradle in my arms, not that long since he wrapped his little fingers around mine moments after birth. My cute little Cidderbug is younger in this photo than Taylor is today. That adorable little spirit is just as vibrant, only now it’s blossoming into a beautiful young woman. It’s a lot to process.

Just when you think you’re getting things figured out, something happens that presses a potential life “reset” button. I haven’t decided yet if this is a reminder of our lack of control, or just opportunities for those who choose to view them that way.

Four years ago we bought a new home which we love. The market crashed and things are upside down, but it doesn’t bother us as we’ve never planned on moving again. Additionally, we’ve had multiple conversations about how happy we are in our home, area, family life, jobs, etc., etc., etc. We’ve even come up with a financial plan we’re really excited about. Life is really good!

(Insert potential reset button here)

Yesterday, Blake got an email from a company in Madrid, Spain asking if he’d consider a job offer. I should preface that potential job offers and interest are a fairly frequent occurrence for him. However, this one came from some referrals at Facebook and Google, which speak to the potential level of seriousness and scope on this one. It’s too early to tell if it will be a viable offer, but it’s sure brought some distraction the past 48 hours. The last time I felt like this was when I started the wheels turning for a job in April, and as I’ve now been working there for 3 months we know how that one worked out. It’s a good anxiety, but it is anxiety. Either way, the consideration of a major life reset is a good thing. It makes you think of things you hadn’t and other things you have in new ways.

Wonder what I’ll be thinking next week?!

This morning I took a moment to walk through my yard and enjoy the simple pleasures; to appreciate newness, marvel at the wonder of creation and drink in the goodness of a new day. Here’s some of what I saw:

Anyone watching the weather lately knows the southwest has been hit with a monster storm bringing a lot of rain, and wind. We actually had a tornado warning last night and reports of a few touching down in the valley. My home has been blessed to receive a more mild dose of this crazy storm. We’ve had the crazy winds, losing a few window screens but I didn’t lose any trees like some of my neighbors are reporting. I do have a lake in the back yard with more rain expected today:

So all this crazy flooding seems to fit my week’s personal events as well. Between health annoyances, crazy busy calendars, and new responsibilities displacing daily needs, I’m definitely feeling a little waterlogged. The good news is it’s Friday now and I’m feeling like I can now surface for a big gulp of air. The sun will come back and just like the ground will absorb and benefit from all this excess moisture - so will my mind, body and spirit from its current excess too.