It’s easy to complain. It’s too easy too complain. In fact, it’s downright effortless. Even surrounded by countless blessings, one can find themselves huddled in a corner counting off their inconveniences and missing objects. I was reminded of this tonight.

It started with going to the movie with my daughter. She’s reaching the age where she really wants to do more grown up activities, or at least what she perceives as more grown up. She can’t identify why she wants to go to the mall, just that she wants to go. So today we settled on a movie together. Knowing the boys have clear lines drawn about the types of movies they want to see, and asking her to continually sacrifice her own wants when the topic comes up, I offered to take her to a movie today that she would enjoy. So we went to see The Blind Side.

When I got home I found a few more chores waiting for my attention; dinner, laundry and making a bed to name a few. I found myself putting clothes away and thinking to myself how I’d just gotten done doing something for someone else and how nice it would have been if I could have not had to come home and do more. I dreamed of how nice it would be to just do the things I want to do instead of all the things that need done. And just like that, I was complaining. Complaining, while all around me were signs of success: clothes to launder and put away, money for a movie, the convenience of picking up dinner when it’s too late to make something, having a wonderful family of my own to be responsible for. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I suppose I was feeling a little backlash from the abrupt timing of leaving for the movie. Cid had been such a trooper helping without being asked around the house. She’d wanted to go out this morning and I told her I had too many chores to do, so she jumped in helping with a few in the hopes that it might speed things along and leave enough time to do something she wanted. I couldn’t turn her down, she’d earned it. I mean, how many 12 year old girls do you know will clean their 7 year old brother’s disastrous room on their own and be happy about it? I was planning on doing a family movie up until about 5 minutes before plans changed and we had to rush out the door to catch the chick flick. I left my projects in midstream which left me somewhat befuddled, but I’m not sorry; it was quality time with a sweet girl who means the world to me. The movie, based on a true story, brought so much back into focus. A 17 year old boy with nowhere to live, from a broken home, a broken life, a broken family. When a private school’s coach sees his potential athletic ability he pushes to get him admitted to the school despite his low scores and lack of files or other meaningful information. One family acts on seeing him alone in the rain one night and they take him in. What starts out as a short term arrangement ends up as a permanent arrangement and addition to the family with every blessing and wonderful thing that comes with it, including scholarships to college and an eventual position in the NFL - literally a life saved. The story really brought to the forefront the realities of stark comparisons for a life with and a life without, as well as the amazing power of love and kindness. A reminder that we all have so much to give, and there are scores of others waiting for us to recognize that, waiting for a needed lift.

So, I stopped for a moment while putting away clothes and making the bed to think on how much I have. To recognize that I was complaining about having to do the basic things that indicate I have my basic needs met. How silly. I took a moment to realize how blessed I am and how good we have it. I only hope it’s the first of many such reflections in the coming year.

I really don’t need any signs to tell me my kids are growing, but as I reviewed some pictures this morning I couldn’t help but see the obvious signs staring back at me.

Barbie dolls used to be a favorite thing.

Now it’s all about making quilts.

Plastic tool toys used to hold his interest for hours.

Now we’ve graduated to Legos and Erector sets.

It’s amazing to watch. Cidnie has always had such of love for all things family oriented and always has. She’s always loved to play pretend house and other life skills role play games, and she still does. Her life is continually focused on what’s yet to come. She’s already talking about getting married and being a mom after she moves to Idaho for college (she’s not sure if she dares have roommates who may play tricks on her but her back up plan is to live with Grandma.) I write it that way because it’s exactly the way she thinks of it: describing the step of marriage and family first, yet adding at the end that it will be after college. It’s so Cid. I have to pinch myself that my little forward thinking girl is twelve when she talks so matter of fact like about her future. She wants to grow up so fast. I can’t see anything but a blur from her arrival to now and can’t imagine why she thinks it needs to go any faster! But she is the very embodiment of social butterfly and time is very different in her world. Social elements are her life, her focus, her love. It’s why her memory for these details are unparalleled. She never ceases to amaze me.

Then there’s my little Taylor. This kid has an engineer’s mind. His fascination with how things work and putting things together at this young age astound me. I love seeing him move freely between following instructions for building to designing his own creations. He can entertain himself for hours on end all while rotating through his toys thoroughly and without any help or direction from me. I’ve never seen the likes of it. He always shows such earnest for learning, like it’s water in the desert. He struggles with his desire for perfection and control, and yet I know it’s because he can see so clearly in his mind what he wants something to look like or how something is supposed to be. His little tongue works 24×7 when he’s in concentration mode, which is almost constantly! I used to think he’d wear his lower mouth out but it seems to have adjusted to the constant movement of that tongue. At seven he still comes up out of the blue to give me a hug and tell me how much he loves me.

Today is the last day of November. Life has changed so much over the years, but just for today I’m pausing to remember the blessings of my kids. November is a month of gratitude for me. Thanksgiving of course gives reason to ponder on our many blessings, and the National Adoption Awareness Month that accompanies November gives me even more reason. How grateful I am for my children, for their amazing birth parent families, for the privilege of being called “Mom.” I know how fast the time goes. I’m painfully aware of how much time has already slipped through my fingers with them, but nothing can take away my memories or the love we share. Time may pass, but love only grows.

Sweetheart, today you turn twelve. It doesn’t seem possible, and yet I know I’ll feel the same way when you hit sixteen and that will be here before I know it. As a parent you long for your child to reach new milestones all the while wishing against hope that you could keep your precious ones small. You’re growing up before my eyes, but you’ll never outgrow my heart. You see, you are the champion of my heart.

That heart skipped beats before and until your arrival. Oh it tried desperately to achieve regularity and stability, but all was in vain without you. Something inside simply knew it wasn’t complete. I prayed and prayed for that completeness to come. I cried, worried, mourned and despaired over the emptiness only you could fill. For many years I wondered at the future of my heart. For the first time in my life I began to doubt.

They say the brightest rainbows come after the darkest storms. Well dear, your rainbow surpasses description. You are the champion of my heart. You won it over the moment I laid eyes on you, when you were still in your mother’s belly. I felt a tingle in that empty place. The ache in my arms was replaced with such warmth and love the first time I held you, my baby sweet. You were everything I’d hoped; everything I’d dreamed; everything I’d wanted. You still are.

So you see, you can never outgrow my heart for you grew in it. You played a critical role in completing it. You are the champion of my heart.

I can’t resist sharing this photo of Tay a few days ago before his haircut. It seems to fit perfectly with the title of today’s post too!

We had the pleasure of enjoying Grandma and Grandpa’s company last night so we threw in a little early birthday celebration fun. I wish I could put into words how excited my sweet boy gets about things. He was so delighted to see his cake (which was so rushed by mom!!) was in the form of one of his newest video game favorites…PacMan! But when he turned it around and saw the candles that spelled his name and how old he was turning he moved from excited thank yous and jumping to squeals of delight and “You’re the best mom ever!” chants. I love this kid!

Then we let both kids open their birthday presents from Grandma and Grandpa. They scored big time with both, but Tay’s Bakugan was definitely the first prize winner! I should point out to check out his sister’s reaction in the background of the photo, she of course is explaining how much he LOVES these silly toys. *giggle*

This morning he woke up before 7:00 a.m. asking if he could open the rest of his presents. I’m not sure who was more excited, him or his sister. *wink*

Fear: (noun) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

This is a dictionary definition of the word fear. I hope I can put into words, the feelings of my heart today. There’s so much I want to say and it all seems to circle around the concept of fear. I want to be direct and to the point lest this post go on for pages, but I also hope to convey more than cold or meaningful facts or tidbits. The reality is we live in a world where men fear men more than God. As a result, many people suffer needlessly and worst of all is the fear seems to be driving common sense and integrity on permanent vacations.

I find it interesting that the definition for fear addresses how the threat can be real OR imagined. Countless examples of imagined threats are causing a great deal of raucous in today’s world. I can’t help but wonder how much could be done with those same energies and resources spent on something other than fear. But this follows the proverbial truth that negative screams while positive whispers, we simply can’t see or hear anything over the call of fear.

Perhaps the most disheartening element of fear for me is the destructive and separating force it leaves in its wake. People do things they wouldn’t do, or things they know aren’t right in the face of fear. It is the nemesis of integrity and it’s a battle every one of us has personal experience with. I’ll never forget my 7th grade physical science teacher and his lesson on fear. I got a triple whammy. The first wave came from an unbelievably hard test, I didn’t know at the time that was part of the master plan. The second wave came the next day when we were handed our own papers to grade and seeing how badly I’d done, I decided to change a few answers that were “oh so close” so I’d at least get a passing grade. Which led to the final tidal wave the next day when the teacher shared how he’d secretly graded those tests before he handed them out and was surprised at how many different scores he got back when we graded our own. I swear he looked right at me when he shared his disappointment on that fact. The reality is, I was gripped with fear in the challenge that was bigger than me, then by the thought I might have failed, and finally by the reality that I’d been caught cheating. I determined in that moment to never let fear drive my academic future or decisions again. I’m proud to report that on that note I succeeded. In fact, I refused to study for my ACT test because I wanted to know what I really knew, not how well I could perform on a test I’d crammed for. Fear is a powerful, but flawed motivator.

While each of us can relate to our own experiences of getting caught doing something, and making bad choices from the fear it caused, the even sadder tales are those when a choice deeply impacts the well being of others around us. The human battlefield is littered with causalities resulting from decisions made through the fear. The victims hit hardest are often the most innocent and least deserving of hardship. These are the times when heaven must weep.

And we must’n forget the biggest black hole of all, the band wagon syndrome of teaming up on someone or something we’re afraid of. This fear, though often only perceived or imagined, drives good people to do bad and stupid things. Sadly, there is strength in numbers and in this situation, people find contrived, make believe, justification and security when they are part of a larger crowd. You need only look at recent news stories in our nation to see this black hole of fear at work, and it’s not the first time in our nation’s history either. In fact, you’d think by now we’d have learned to reign in the fear because we’ve surely had enough practice. Take Andrew Jackson. He took so many fiery darts and prophetic style slanders that he was going to single-handedly ruin our great nation that it’s amazing he survived not one but two terms as president. He came into the presidency during a most tumultuous time when the nation was on the brink of civil war and great changes were taking place. He was loved and hated, quoted as being an inspiration to Lincoln, revered by Theodore and Franklin Roosevelt and hailed by Harry Truman as one of the four greatest presidents along with Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln. Yet, he may have taken more slander and hate than other predecessors combined. The more I read about his presidency the more convinced I am that fear was the driving force behind the extreme opposition he faced.

Daily, my heart is heavy with good friends and good people who take part of the great mud pit surrounding political issues. I understand disagreeing with another person, even on every conceivable point. But I don’t understand the slander, the intent to deface and the desire to destroy that too many good people are becoming part of. You can’t stand in the mud pit without getting mud on you. There is nothing christian about slander and meanness. Negative begets negative. It is time for people to rise above it and step out of the mud pit.

Recently my heart wept for headlines associated with my hometown.

“Rammell isn’t the first Rexburg resident who has drawn attention for making an anti-Obama comment. In November 2008, second- and third-grade students on a school bus there chanted “Assassinate Obama” after his election, prompting the mayor of this eastern Idaho town to publicly apologize.”

This is the closing paragraph of a recent article in the AP/Huffington. For reference, the comment was about issuing hunting tags for Obama and the article explains how Rammell refuses to apologize for it.

Someone who knew nothing about this small town would never guess from these news stories that the town is largely christian. There is nothing christian about attacking another person’s character, let alone making jokes or threats on their life regardless of position, title, race or religion. What makes my heart weep is knowing that these aren’t bad people, these are good people driven by fear. Just as I wasn’t a cheater and knew it was wrong to do so, I let fear push me over my personal line of integrity in 7th grade science class. Too many good people today are making bad and wrong choices because of fear.

My greatest hope is that someone reading this will decide to pick up a sword and shield for integrity and fight back against the fear; that more people will decide to wade out of the mud pit and stop passing around glasses of dirty water. The war is the same whether the battlefield is private, public, political, or personal. Fear only has the power we give it and the war against it is perhaps the greatest of our existence. So let me end this where I began, but with the solution instead of the problem:

Courage: (noun) the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

She keeps growing without permission. I find myself looking back at what felt like yesterday, even though the calendar says different, and wondering if I’ve given her everything I wanted to. I can’t help but think about life before my Cidderbug and how grateful I was to finally get her in my arms. Now she’s squirming away into the uncharted waters of young womanhood. Does she know how much I love her? Does she know how sad I am when she’s sad? How my heart aches when she struggles with something challenging? How proud I am of her every accomplishment?

Sometimes the daily hum drum of life drowns out the important things. I relive all the moments and mistakes when the patience ran thin. My memory is longer than hers for most of these things - thank heaven for tender mercies. We are our own worst critique they say. Most of the time I find myself treating my measuring stick like a bank register except I only ever seem to record the deficits. But then you get those glimmers when your child does something that makes your heart so proud it feels it might burst, those moments when you know you did something right. Those are the times when the Lord steps in and writes in your deposit for you.

Parenting is a whirlwind. It’s a crash course of learning you never knew possible. The climbs are harder and steeper than you thought you had the energy or strength for, and the views are incredible beyond description. The time you have them in your clutches is far shorter than the time they’ll spend being independent, yet when they’re young it consumes you to the point you can’t imagine them growing beyond you. And then you turn around and there they are looking back at you.

There’s a lot to be said for comfort zones, both for and against them. On one hand they’re our adult security blanket that can help us feel secure and safe. On the other, they can become a barrier and stunt growth.

Several years ago, my husband and I made a painful (and previously yo-yo process) decision to move to Fort Collins, CO for a job possibility. I say painful, because we weren’t looking for it and in some ways felt pressured into it. Once we realized that we were waiting for the impossible scenario that the decision would make itself because the salary and benefits offered would make it easy to decide to move, we were able to realistically look at the opportunity and make the decision ourselves. We learned many things from our 3 months there but the lesson at the top of the list was how comfortable we’d grown being uncomfortable.

I know that sounds contradictory, but it was true. It’s not that we weren’t happy where we were before, but until we moved out of that comfort zone we couldn’t have realized how comfortable we had grown with our own mediocrity. That push caused us to identify and reach new horizons - a pattern that has since repeated itself over and over as we’ve learned to seize opportunities when they surface.

Lately, I’ve had a lot of discussions with friends and family about the value of being friendly. It strikes me that too often we can come across as unfriendly to those we meet or run into simply because we’re “comfortable” with our existing friends, etc. We don’t mean to appear exclusive or uninterested, some of us just require a little nudge out of our comfort zones.

So lately, I’ve been on the lookout in my own life for the times when I start to justify or rationalize not doing something. I’m beginning to catch myself and address this ‘knee jerk reaction’ and I’m amazed at the results. It’s just like retraining myself to tell my kids yes more than no - another comfort zone that seems to sneak up on you.

I’m finding this is a lot like exercising. When I feel those sore muscles that cause discomfort I can’t help but smile because I know that by working them positive things are happening. It’s rarely easy, never convenient and always requires sacrifice but the results are always worth it.

I wonder why it’s so easy to establish comfort zones about the silliest things; why it’s so easy to give ourselves ample excuses and reasons to stay there. Now that I say that, I do understand the primary reason because if I apply this to my ability/desire to get out of bed in the morning I totally get it. I don’t want to because I love that warm comfortable spot and the ability to do nothing but sleep!

So what do you do to help you identify and stretch your comfort zones?

This morning I sat down to my computer and found a welcome surprise; a note in my inbox indicating to me that something simple I shared here helped someone else.

“HI
I don’t know you from anyone and neither you me, but I just wanted to say we have a common friend, Jesus, who knew I needed some info on hooking my RO system to my fridge and led me right to your blog. Can I just say I’ve be looking online for hours trying to figure this out. So funny how posting something like that can help a total stranger in CA.

“I don’t know that I’ll be back but blessings just the same! and thanks for the detailed post!
Ally”

I wish Ally could know how much it meant to me that she’d take the time to leave me these thoughts and let me know that our paths crossed. It seemed so trivial at the time I posted it, so off the mark of much of what I share here that I had really questioned that post. Now I know if for no other reason, the Lord knew why.

I did actually come back and reference this post myself a few weeks ago when we thought the ice maker was acting up again so I guess you never really know do you? It tells me I should be a bit more vigilant about these “little” things.

I am convinced that we are the messengers in the Lord’s hands. He doesn’t often send us choirs of angels when we call, He sends us one another. How happy I am this morning to know that I crossed paths with a stranger, now friend in CA. Ally, I hope you’re having a wonderful day - you sure made mine.

I’m always saying that the only constant in the universe is change. I really believe that. It seems that as soon as you find an answer the question changed, or as soon as you feel like you figured something out the rules or game changed. I think if my shoes represented these constant shifts I’d need several rooms to accommodate all the changes!

Today I’m reflective on the power of change. It seems that so many around me are struggling with major life changes. From new additions to separations from death or divorce, financial strain and everything in between, I have so many loved ones and friends currently experiencing the gamut that comes with these roller coaster rides. I find myself looking over my shoulder to see why I’m currently being shielded from something disastrous. I recognize that the majority of the answer is found in the various times and seasons of life, but I still feel the impact of all that’s happening around me. I find myself thinking on what I can do to prepare and fortify for the coming seasons in my own life; gearing up to be the parent of a teen, watching debilitating and terminal illness eat away at parents and grandparents, etc. I’ve weathered some personal storms in the past, I know there will be more in the future. 40 is dangerously close, definitely closer and faster than I ever dreamed possible. In so many ways I still feel like that same girl I knew at 18, I wonder if I’ll ever feel as old as the calendar says I am?

Last year at this time I was thinking on the changes of having both of kids in school the entire day. My first instinct was to fill my time with school studies. It seemed logical. I enjoy elements of law and through our adoption experiences I started thinking maybe getting a law degree would be just right for me. I was excited and anxious as I gathered more information. But the more research I did the less settled I felt. A few months ago I decided that now is not the time for me to pursue this. For one thing I’d be getting a law degree to use it and my goal isn’t work, for another I’ve already sacrificed so much to stay home with my kids I can’t see risking any of that now when they will likely need me at home and that stability more than ever in their lives. So I decided instead to beef up my reading list and educational activities at home.

Yesterday I received another curve ball. Hindsight shows my previous decision to not jump back into school right away lines up for this new change. I took my daughter to an audition this past Saturday to appease her many requests to go back for some. The reader’s digest, condensed version of this story is a birthday gift when she turned 7 blew up in my face. We let her run with it for just over a year carefully avoiding blue smoke grenades and doing our best to avoid landmines. Well, the little stink proved it wasn’t all blue smoke with her NY convention but with mom getting sucked into the career path alongside her and a two year old at home a white flag was raised and mom gracefully bowed out for a “rest”, promising her daughter that when the time was right she’d take her back for some auditions. Last Saturday I made good on that promise and yesterday she got a call back from it. We met with the talent manager last night and it looks like we’re off to the next step. New headshots are on the horizon as well as a manager marketing her for potential work in LA. Looks like travel might be in my near future. Good thing I’m not knee deep into my own schooling eh?

So again I reiterate, change is the only constant. What I wouldn’t give for a few seconds with a crystal ball. What does your future hold my Cidderbug?