This is one part of motherhood you’re glad you missed when you signed up, or you wouldn’t have signed up! You know those little details like you getting to help a child pull out their first tooth, losing sleep, having to keep a straight face when they explore new words that you’re responsible for teaching are NOT funny or appropriate, and my personal favorite getting thrown up on in the middle of the night.

And why am I writing about this wonderful fine print this morning? You guessed it, I got a reminder in the wee hours this morning. It was completely unannounced and oh so wonderful. When my son came in our room complaining of a bad dream neither of us had the strength, desire or energy to do more than put him in the middle of our bed. This worked great until an hour or so later when I heard that most formidable sound. I sat straight up and asked him if he was throwing up. I got my answer with the next sound and spatters hitting my face. In case I never mentioned it, I don’t do throwing up.

It took at least 2-3 rounds of telling Blake to turn the light on before he responded and realized it was a rather big deal to get the light on and why. By then I’d managed to do most of the damage control with my son’s pillow and there wasn’t much left by the time Blake came to enough to grab the garbage. At least I got clean sheets out of it, though not in a way I recommend.

So now he’s playing Batman Legos and doing okay. I’m falling asleep at my computer and it’s only 9:30. Cidnie forgot her flute in the mad morning rush so I’ve already made two trips to school. Yes, this is the fine print of motherhood that’s best left in rarely seen or experienced form.

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Family Funnies Motherhood

I’ve been working on a post for a few days now that’s still not finished. I can’t seem to find 5 minutes to rub together to spend at my computer this summer. When I do find a few precious moments I can’t find the motivation to do what I wanted! At any rate, shorts and funnies are fast and easy and I have another great one today. My son is the culprit again.

A few days ago we were walking out of the movie theater. As we approach the car my son pipes up and says, “Son of a brick” which brought an onslaught of laughter from mom on the drive home. Great parenting hugh?

I remember when my daughter was his age and also very susceptible to words and influences. The one I remember her sharing was the day she asked us if “bull-uh-sh**” was a bad word. I couldn’t even answer.

I’m not sure why it’s so funny but there’s just something about your little ones sharing what they hear in cuss words that’s down right hilarious. Bricks and stones may break my bones (just ask my brother who recently lost a match with a boulder) but mispronounced swear words will slay me! Bwa-ha-ha.

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Family Funnies Sharing Motherhood

This afternoon my daughter had two girlfriends over to swim. One of the great advantages to my son being 5 years younger is that he doesn’t quantify friends based on age or gender so he happily joined the three in their water fun.

It wasn’t long before the request came to add some water balloons into the mix, so being the good mom that I am I dutifully filled and tied enough for each child to have two. (Don’t judge me, I’ve been filling and tying balloons for three days now. *wink*)

A few moments later I look out the window to see all three girls using theirs in their suits as boobs. I’m safely hidden behind screened windows so they don’t know I’m watching and laughing my backside off inside. But not to be outdone, my son is seen shoving one of his down his swim trunks. *eye roll, giggle, snort*

Ah the joys.

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Family Funnies Sharing Motherhood

Okay, that title is an oxymoron I know. It should probably read when men do stuff. *giggle* But I can’t help myself, especially after the fantastic shares and stories my husband had on his return camping trip with the boy.

The visuals in my head are swimming with material for a post. First you have to picture the right framework: it wasn’t just my husband taking my son for an overnight camp out, it was a group of dads taking out their sons for an overnight camp out. My husband doesn’t camp. His idea of camping has the word Marriott in the mere definition. We own minimal camp gear and what we do own has seen little to no action and it’s likely that (as with the few power tools we own) I am the only one who has a frame of reference for how to use said gear.

You know you’re off to a good start when the location for the event is determined hours before, thus allowing ample time for people to plan accordingly. While men complain about women’s obsessions with needing to know details and planning I never hear them complain when they’re enjoying the spoils.

I have to diverge here to share a few fundamentals of differences between men and women. What better way to do that than by pictures. So for kicks and giggles I’ll post a few.

I have to point out that this is more than the obvious visual differences. The woman will have an entirely separate list of items, assignments and planning needs. It is not the all in one shot man’s approach.

Here we have the element of food and serving a group. The left is the result of a woman’s planning the right the side of the man’s.

My husband reports the dinner part of the camp as being a success. Of course it’s hard to go wrong with a Subway sandwich as opposed to the typical raw/burnt tinfoil dinner. The breakfast sounded pretty comical to me. A few dozen dough nuts and breakfast burritos. My husband took a mountain of tortillas and I’m sure other food assignments made their way around. He spoke of one who talked about the fantastic deal on 400 pieces of bacon (hence the picture of bacon above). Unfortunately, cooking preparations didn’t begin until everyone was ready to eat. Surprisingly the boys grew restless while the cooks tried to speed fry 400 slices of bacon on the highest camp stove setting possible. We’re back to the raw/burnt style. My husband stuck with a half a dough nut. You can imagine how well the waiting was going with a bunch of boys running the spectrum of ages from 4-15 years old. One father, on taking note of the dilemma, came up with a short term solution which my husband described as a stroke of brilliance. He suddenly asked who wanted to go see a dead skunk he’d discovered on a morning hike. This resulted in a much needed 15 minute window of time for the frantic cooks.

The entertainment sounds interesting. Apparently there was an outdoor movie set up which is quite ironic to me given the stress of the “roughing it” memos prior to the event. And of course the water balloon and egg launch from a sling shot sending the ammunition into the general wilderness area. The point of course being to see how far you can launch stuff, which we all know is critical. The young boys entertained themselves seeing what would burn in the fire through experimentation of course. I think a shoe or two may have been lost but at least the tents and bedding were spared. I won’t even go to the area of the ceremonial fire extinguishing because I’m a woman and not supposed to know about those things. And I’ll spare the other moms I know the details of hearing how many father’s came around asking if anyone had seen their son. All in all a good man outing.

Of course the only thing that really matters is that our son had a fantastic time and he and dad both made it home safe and sound. When I went to the car to carry his sleeping body into the house he roused just long enough to start excitedly telling me about the rocket they made that shot into the air before closing his eyes again. Mission accomplished. Thanks dad.

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Funnies Perspectives Blogging Recreation

I was just catching up on some of my friend’s blogs and read this funny post. Anyone who has been a parent or cared for young children know first hand how many conversations and stories derive from potty talk. But when I read this I just had to share one of my favorite stories from my husband’s youth, especially after listening to both his mom and grandmother share it again yesterday. Besides, gems like this truly need to be in print for future posterity.

The story goes that my husband and his younger brother were out on a walk with their grandpa one day. They lived in a small farming community which provided countless educational opportunities. Their grandpa was not only a self-appointed comedian, but also a big rock collector. So on this journey he was out scouting for rocks with two young grandsons in tow, both of which were eager to learn and help. He simply couldn’t pass up a golden moment to teach the boys. He had them picking up all kinds of rocks of all shapes and sizes, and when a question surfaced about the name and origin of a small pile of rocks he told them to they were smart pills. In wonder, both boys inquired further about what a smart pill was. He instructed them to pick one up which both boys obediently did. He then told them to lick the rocks, which again both boys obediently did. He then told them it was animal poop and after they got through gagging said, “See? You’re smarter already.”

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Yesterday on the drive to school I was addressing words and phrases with my son. He was on a “what the heck?!” kick. I told him maybe we could come up with a better one. He naturally questioned why and I tried to explain that even though “heck” isn’t a bad word it is used as a replacement for a swear word so it’s really not a great choice. He snickered and said “What the heck?!” again under breaths of giggles. Ah - reasoning with a five year old.

So I tried a different approach. I gave him some silly examples of made up words and phrases like “Golly Wolly!” and such. He laughed but didn’t want to let go of his precious heck phrase. So I offered “Oh Boy!” explaining how that one phrase can work for every situation and every emotion. Then I proceeded to give examples of all the ways and inflections you could use which led to rolls of laughter from the back seat. While he liked the idea, I could tell as we walked to his playground he still wasn’t completely sold.

So you can visualize my reaction yesterday when I opened his calendar to see a yellow square (stop light theory for behavior) and read the words at the bottom:

“Oh Boy!”

*sigh*

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Funnies School Sharing Motherhood

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, ‘My dear child, why are you crying?’ The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked The seamstress replied, ‘No.’ The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, ‘No.’ The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

‘Is this your thimble ?’ the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, ‘Yes.’ The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, ‘Why are you crying?’ ‘Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!’

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. ‘Is this your husband?’ the Lord asked.

‘Yes,’ cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. ‘You lied! That is an untruth!’ The seamstress replied, ‘Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women

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What did I ever do before life with kids? Moreover, what did I do for entertainment?

The Christmas season is so much brighter and more joyful with kids. Not only does it bring back memories of my own childhood, but it’s like you get a magical moment here and there where you see the world through their eyes.

About three weeks ago my little guy was having a bugger of a time remembering the name Santa Claus. He came back so excited from a turn on the neighbor’s little electric motorcycle and immediately asked me what the name was of the one who brought gifts at Christmas. I told him Santa and he quickly brought his hands together in prayer form, closed his eyes, lifted his head toward the sky saying the cutest prayer to Santa I’ve ever heard about please bringing him one of those little motorcycles that goes really fast! He ended with a quick thank you, amen and then ran back to wait for another turn. I heard that prayer at least a half dozen times over the next couple weeks. Now he remembers Santa’s name and he’s moved into making a list. Which, I might add, is growing every day. But first and foremost is the little motorcycle that goes really fast!

Do you remember that excitement? I do. But seeing the twinkle in his eye and his excitement is a whole new level for me.

The craziest things delight them too. Last week while listening to the radio I told my son to listen for a silly word in the song “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” when the phrase of figgy pudding came up I sang with it for emphasis. He let out one of those belly laughs, not the surface giggle but the real deal that warms your heart. Then through the laughter he started saying, “figgy pudding, figgy pudding, figgy pudding.” After a few seconds I hear him say, “Oh here’s a good one mom: figgy, PIGGY pudding!” More laughter. Then he was on a roll. We got figgy, boogie pudding , figgy, boogie, piggy pudding, and a variety of other combinations. I was in stitches listening to his laughter and crazy phrases. Now when we’re out he tells his sister to be quiet because he’s listening for the figgy pudding song. His teacher would be so proud to hear how he’s mastered rhyming.

My daughter says she wants a Hummer Limo. She has an obsession for limousines, the bigger the better. Her favorite request is to drive all the way from our house to Grandma’s in a limousine. Some girls want a doll, mine wants a limo.

So what joys are you experiencing this holiday season?

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I seem to be experiencing a calendar malfunction. You see, I’m pretty sure that it was only a few days ago that I was spending a weekend with the family in our cul-de-sac enjoying a Halloween bash, but today my calendar is insistent that November is more than half over. It’s trying to convince me that Thanksgiving is actually this week, Thursday to be exact. Yeah, right!

Moreover, I was certain that I posted an article to my blog yesterday - okay maybe two days ago. Today my Google Reader is trying to tell me that I’m almost a full week behind on my reading and the calendar again is insisting that almost a full week has passed since my last post. WhatEVER. Stupid calendar.

I’m still arguing with it.

Maybe I’ve been abducted or caught in some time warp bubble? All I know is the last thing I remember is getting the kids dressed up for Halloween and preparing for a few days with my husband’s parents in town. They left the same weekend my parents arrived.

Today I dropped my son of at school with a reminder that Wednesday is a half day in honor of Thanksgiving. Clearly, there’s a conspiracy afoot.

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Funnies Balance Blogging

As a continuing theme from last week (even though it’s a few years ago):

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