I have a favorite saying that goes something like this: You teach people how to treat you.

When I first heard it I felt my muscles stiffen. It was so harsh and unfair, surely it couldn’t hold much truth. However, my efforts to prove it wrong ended up only proving how true it really is. It’s as if we hold a mirror up with our actions, words and decisions. Those around us will quickly learn from those things and will often throw them back at us, usually at the most inconvenient times.

I once heard a mother calling to her then nine or ten year old daughter to come into the house from play. The child didn’t want to come in and some arguing ensued. As I had recently been instructing teachers on improving their teaching skills, I was keenly aware of this concept of teaching as well as others. What I’ll never forget is the way the mother responded to the child’s exclaims of not wanting to. I heard in loud tones the words: “I don’t care what you want! This is what we’re doing right now!” I immediately pictured this same scene in future years, though reversed. A time when these words of ‘not caring what you want’ would come back to haunt this mother and she’d be stunned wondering where on earth they came from.

As with most things this concept is much easier said than done, but that doesn’t make it any less true or important. Perhaps if we stopped once and while to think about how we’re teaching others to treat us it would impact our actions, words and decisions. It seems like a reasonable start to improving ourselves and our character.

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My friend Kelly has challenged her readers to participate in defining their view of responsibility for her Pass The Torch Tuesday project and as responsibility is huge with me I knew I couldn’t pass this up. So I’ve chosen to define what a responsible parent is to me.

I don’t have a perfect little definition paragraph for an answer. I only have my reasons for knowing it’s important, my personal experiences with it and my goals and direction as a parent.

Given that I believe that we live in a society that is largely lacking responsibility, I think the root of the problem is found at home in the way children are taught or not taught to be responsible. This means the parent must be responsible too for you cannot give that which you don’t have.

Some would say that my judgment of society is harsh. If you wonder why I think our society is largely irresponsible I ask you to look around and see how many people spend valuable time, resources and energy playing the blame game, excusing themselves or their actions, caring only about themselves or any combination of all these attitudes. We have become masters at believing there is always an escape, at believing that only ourselves matter. Just look at one simple example of the controversial topic of abortion. Look at the energy and resources spent arguing this consequence. It isn’t even viewed as a consequence of a previous action or decision, it’s disguised as an issue of choice.

I was taught that you can choose your decisions but not the consequences. That for every action and decision there was a corresponding consequence. This is at the top of my list of important elements in teaching my children what responsibility means. The world will not teach it. In fact it seems to me that society today cultivates an attitude of acquiring skills to aid them in attempted side-stepping of the consequences of their actions. Some even believe they’ve succeeded. I believe with every fiber of my being that no matter how long you may delay a consequence it cannot be erased and often the harder one works to eliminate it the longer the trail of additional offenses and consequences will follow.

Further, I was taught the the right for me to swing my fist ends where your nose begins. This is another critical principal to me as a parent to teach my kids. This means you have to think about someone other than yourself, you have to learn how to respect yourself and others in every sense.

The hardest part of all this as a parent is not just the burden of teaching your children correct principles and moral values, but more importantly how to let your children have the experience of making their own decisions to learn the consequences for themselves. Because at the end of the day, the true teacher is experience. The close shadow to this teacher is that of example and truly the lessons taught are often the ones we don’t even realize we’re teaching. Do as I say and not as I do never works. No, this as in all things has to start from within.

I don’t have a Harry Potter wand or a crystal ball to help navigate these troubled waters. But clinging to the principles that are most important to me will help me charter the course. I know that patterns of behaviors don’t correct themselves, that what you feed is what grows. I know that I want my kids to understand the most basic and fundamental principles of responsibility that I was given as a youth. So for now I can only charge ahead to the best of my ability to teach them personal accountability and basic respect. And a little positive motivation from time to time can help a great deal, now where’d I put that chocolate?

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No, I’m not talking about the health related ones, though they are no less important. I’m referring to the communication and interaction aspect of strokes. A stroke of a knife can cut the flesh, but the stroke of words can cut the heart. Physical hurts heal even though some may leave their mark in the form of a scar, but emotional wounds to the heart are another matter entirely. Yet we are far more careless with our words than we are with physical influences. Why is that?

Too often we speak without thinking. Too often we share our views and opinions without solicitation. Too often we disgrace the name and reputation of others with gossip and rumor. Too often we use verbal harshness to get what we want. Too often we desecrate the name of divinity. In short, too often we tear down instead of build up.

Words are indeed powerful. They have the ability to lift, raise, beautify, comfort and nurture. And as with all things they have the opposite abilities as well. When you think of the simplicity of a name much can be learned. To hear your name spoken in the positive tones makes your heart soar with pride and security. I don’t have to write the emotions that are invoked when you recall hearing your full name called in “that tone” because you know exactly how it made you feel. Is it any wonder that one of the first commandments given was not to take the name of the Lord in vain? Yet that is trampled under the feet and tongues of men today as much as every other harmful tool of verbal power.

I was struck by a talk on this subject a few years ago. The stark comparison of the speaker who spoke of how the same mouths that spoke prayers and sang praises in beautiful song would yell or speak unkindly. I thought of my own voice and my own tongue. I thought on how I frequently use both for praying and singing but never thought about how I used them in defiling and damaging ways. The title of the talk was “The Tongue of Angels” and to say it left it’s mark on me and my heart would be an understatement. I’ve been keenly more aware of my words and although I’ve got so far to go I’m now on the journey of improving my tongue.

You’ve heard the saying many times “different strokes for different folks” and it’s the truth. I’ve recently been teaching charm classes again and it brings to the surface so much of this topic as I strive to teach my students rules of engagement and common courtesies. Then as I was out catching up on some blogs last night I watched some video clips of a recent blogging convention. My eye was caught by the familiar scene of the convention center room with round tables in hotel ballrooms, their chairs occupied by people of all types, but what captured and held my attention was the one that sat at a table without a laptop. It was a stark reminder of how keystroke minded communication is these days. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that many of the people in that room where having conversations with one another, maybe some even at the same table but with instant messaging, e-mails, comments and blogging. Nearly every person in the video clip had a laptop on the table or in their laps, and it’s why the one who didn’t stood out. Our teens may not carry their laptops around like their adult counterparts yet, but they do carry around their phones and I’ve known many a youth who was having a conversation with the person next to them using their thumbs instead of their mouths. It’s an interesting phenomenon that bears both pros and cons.

On the pro side, I personally find that typing more has made me more aware of my words. When I write something, I go back over it many times and find several places where I edit, re-edit, scratch entirely, etc. The result is that I’ve been fine-tuning my communication and presentation skills. I have to think things through before I commit them to text and sometimes just seeing them in text and re-reading them sheds new light too. I have seen a stark improvement in my writing since I began blogging two years ago. Another advantage for me is the ability for my words to keep up with my thoughts thanks to hands and a mind that learned how to type. And I can do it without writer’s cramp, white-out or an eraser. (A post for another day is a rant on how many people, especially youth today, don’t acquire this skill. Hunt and peck methods were never efficient, but in today’s world I can’t hardly imagine the person keeping up without this skill.)

On the con side for me are many of the opposites. While it is considerably more efficient for me to communicate via text it is far less personal. I find it takes concerted effort on my part to continue working at other communication skills of speech and conversational interaction. I worry about the new generation who are not being taught verbal communication and social interaction skills. Another downside is the ability of doing things because one can without ever questioning if one should. And here we are full circle back to the double edged tongue.

Whether in keystrokes or voice, our words have great power. My goal is to make my strokes those of love and kindness in the lives of those around me. It’s part of working on my life, the masterpiece.

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Get it right. Don’t leave yourself standing on a rug that begs to be pulled out from under you. This goes for more than writing, it goes for everything in life. Do your homework, make sure you know what you need to know before you stand on a soap box or any other form to state your case and opinions. It’s just good sense and it doesn’t matter how big or how small your audience or your reach is.

I’ve always been perhaps a little overzealous in my personal life to make darn sure I’ve covered all my bases before I start running. My boss once even told me to remind him never to get on his bad side or cross my path after observing my work for a year. He also told me that he had no problem seeing why I rose so quickly from secretary to regional administrator. It was a nice compliment, especially given that I was not yet 25 years old when I got it.

So where does it all start? Well, I can tell you I wasn’t born with it and I wasn’t handed these traits on a platter. I had to work hard, maybe even harder to gain respect in my job because I was so young. I know some of what I write about on this because I live it every day, I’m not perfect at it but I continue to nurture it every day. My husband has dealt with a lot of the aftermath of me being overly analytical sometimes and worrying about those things. I told you I haven’t perfected it, but I can tell you it’s very strong in me. I can tell you that it involves a great deal of thinking things through from every side, angle and perspective possible. It involves keeping a level head, taking time to set aside initial emotions and reactive thoughts. And it’s what makes me crazy when I see others spout off in various forms without a care or thought about whether what they’re writing or sharing has any foundation or if it’s just reactive vomit that negatively affects others. The recent garbage floating around with political mud slinging, polygamist sects and religious slandering makes me cringe. There’s no point to spreading the muddy water around and you can’t get into the mud without getting some on you. Yet time and again people everywhere jump in never realizing most of it is unfounded, false, taken out of context or exaggerated to gain attention. But it was ever thus.

In two of my favorite classics, “The Count of Monte Cristo” and “Les Miserables” you are introduced to two powerful characters who pride themselves in being servants of the hands of justice, upright and just men. In The Count you meet the unfortunate Villefort, and in Les Mis you meet the also unfortunate Javert. Their ultimate undoing is the unveiling of hypocrisy. For Villefort he realizes in his most desperate moment what a hypocrite he has been most of his life and he goes crazy with the realization and aftermath of his actions. For Javert, the battle is free from personal hypocrisy but he commits suicide when he realizes that to uphold his beloved law would be immoral. Both were extremists, not unlike many people today. It’s the very reason I bring them up. Today’s Villeforts and Javerts run around under the same cloak of blind following. And at the end of the day a blind follower is left with little more than anger and vindictive venom when they realize their pursuits have been vain. They strike at anything and everything, most especially at anything resembling the origins for their initial beliefs or thoughts. In short, they leave themselves standing on a rug which begs to be yanked out from under them.

So I line up my ducks - to a fault sometimes, I admit - before I do anything else. And I really wish others would do the same. Today’s world offers so much to so many. Technology and the Internet make it possible fore every person to be “published” and to read more content on every subject imaginable than one could hope to have time to sift through. Yet, in general we are still married to the idea that if it is in print it must be true. Therefore, misinformation, scams, hoaxes and more continue to run a muck as the muddy streams trickle from source to source. Few if any make the arduous trip up the mountain to the source to learn for themselves what is truth. It is only those who do that find true conviction and peace in their beliefs and knowledge. It’s also why the world is so full of angry people I think.

So I end with where I began. If you’re going to share or write (especially commit it to text) get it right. Follow the first rule of authors everywhere: Only write what you know. Do you’re homework, go to the source, find out for yourself. Enough of all this muddy water.

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This morning I was reading a friend’s blog post about common sense and how it’s gone on a “permanent vacation” (I loved those words!) Then I went out and looked at some old articles I started to write several months ago. One was titled “Back The Train Up” and I’d begun by sharing how after reading some recent parenting articles I felt robbed at the end but couldn’t place why. Today I think I figured it out and it comes back to the concept Carmi shared this morning about the loss of common sense.

Everyone seems more than able and willing to ‘research’ and write articles, books, etc. on every subject imaginable. Yet most of them seem to be playing a game justifying why a lack of common sense is acceptable. It’s easy to jump on the newest fad or popular bandwagon of rationalization, but at the end of the drive you are left feeling cheated. And heaven knows we all want what is easy.

Take my experience last night. It shows not only a lack of common sense but also the way it is fueled (literally) by a desire for the easy way out.

I was watching a pair of teens make attempts at starting a fire in a fire pit. The goal was to make smores. I walked over to see one holding a piece of paper and lighter in front of her. The other was holding a can she explained was hairspray and was trying to help her friend get a flame going by spraying it. Brilliant.

So I attempted to explain a few basics. I told them that first, there are too many things to list on the “stupidity” front for using a can of hairspray as lighter fluid but suffice it to begin with the fact that you don’t need any help getting paper to burn. Moreover, spraying it in the general direction of the one holding the paper and flame is also a bad idea. This could definitely be listed in the “stupidest stunts” top ten. Second, any fire held up in the breeze is likely going to blow out with the wind before you get it back down to the ground, not to mention the increase in risk for burning yourself, so when starting a fire you should keep the flame as close to the source as possible using the wood and surroundings to provide a protective barrier against any breeze for you. Which brought us to their prepared log formation. Great T-pee formation: of full sized logs! I asked where their kindling was and they both gave me a blank stare. I explained that you can’t start burning full size blocks of wood, you need to build to it and therefore need a pile of kindling - smaller twigs and branches of wood - to get the process going. The one holding hairspray explained that was why they had hairspray because the wood wasn’t catching on fire. *sigh* I was about to give them a full lesson in fire safety and basics of starting when another exuberant teen walked up with a can of gasoline sharing how the problem was solved. Clearly, I needed reinforcements.

At this point I walked over to the parent of the gasoline marauder and another leader informing them that the element of gasoline had just been introduced. The response from the parent was a short wave of the hand saying how glad she was she wasn’t a leader for the group. I guess parent doesn’t count? (A post for another day.)

I look back over to see a blazing fire burning…for about 30 seconds. One of the youth is sent to look for more gasoline. Thankfully, by this point another leader (who later shares how a family member received 3rd degree burns after a lighter fluid can burst in his hands while lighting a fire in a fireplace) steps in to help me bring a close to the gasoline fix. The parent now joined the scene with instructions on where a Duraflame log is and it is retrieved. As it is placed under the full size log T-pee and slowly begins to burn with a small flame on one end. Several minutes pass as the group sit around the tiny flame which moments later turns into a raring blaze after a surprise attack of…you guessed, a cup of gasoline.

I could add another entire chapter on how roasting marshmallows in new flame is missing the point of cooking and roasting in a campfire; how the point is to let the fire burn good and hot long enough to produce coals for that purpose, or even how flinging a marshmallow on fire back and forth isn’t the best way to put the flame out, but I’ll let your imagines finish that part of the story. Perhaps I’ll come back later and tie in the greater lessons we could learn from that but for now let’s move on to the real point of sharing this.

I shared this story because it’s so chuck full of possibilities to explore and fits in nicely with the permanent vacation of common sense. But at a more general level, it typifies life today in a nut shell. Everyone is in such a hurry to find the easy way that it matters not what is sacrificed along the way, common sense being one of the greater causalities, not to mention unhealthy and life threatening hazards. Our “Duraflame” logs may take on different forms, but they still represent a cheating element - the concept that you can replace beginning and foundational steps by cutting a few corners. That it’s as easy as running to the store for what you need, that someone will always be there to provide you an easy out. Even egotism is fed by this growing epidemic, nourishing the belief that nothing but your selfish desires matter and whatever you do to obtain them will be inconsequential. We’ve spent so much time trimming the fat that we never noticed we’ve been whittling away at the meat for so long there’s almost nothing left.

I for one say it’s time to back the train up. Everyone needs to call back common sense from its extended vacation. Everyone needs to step up to the plate and help repair and rebuild critical foundation elements in every aspect of our lives that have been replaced with laziness, instant gratification and debt. Our children need to know and understand how to do things for themselves the right way, what the dangers and hazards are of the easy way and how important this knowledge is. We need to be better teachers and examples. We’re the current engineers and conductors of the train, but we’ll be passing it on to a new generation and we’ll still be on that train for the ride. It’s time to think about that and make some positive changes now so the future journey won’t be disastrous.

Stepping off my soapbox. Thanks for letting me vent.

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A few weeks ago we took our kids to see the movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles. It was a little scarier than I was expecting and my five year old son quickly found his way to dad’s lap during some of the more intense scenes, but overall it was a fun movie that we all enjoyed. There are many things that come to mind about concepts shared in the film and real life experiences I can relate them to. Maybe I’ll write more about some of those later, but for today I wanted to share the one about protective barriers.

One of the concepts from the movie that has helped me a great deal recently as a parent is the concept of the protective circle. In the movie, there is a spell used that results in a circle of magical toadstools around the house. This creates an invisible shield preventing any of the unwanted and unkind magical creatures from entering the home. In short, it keeps the contents and inhabitants of the home safe from harm. For the majority of the movie this circle is able to perform its job flawlessly but toward the end the adversary finds a way to break the spell and penetrate the circle.

I loved being able to use this visual with teaching my children the importance of creating and maintaining protective circles for our family. I shared how every day they go out into the world and are assailed by a myriad of dangers - most of which they cannot see. Yet even though they go unseen they are very real and can do much harm if allowed. My kids seemed to really like this idea of a protective circle around our home keeping them safe and providing them security. But what I appreciated most was using this analogy to help them see the reasons for some of our recent parenting decisions, especially that of turning off the television several months ago. Up to this point it was hard for them to understand that it wasn’t a punishment, try as we might they still felt utterly deprived and couldn’t comprehend why we didn’t want it in our home anymore. I can’t blame them because we were careful about what we watched on T.V. even when we had it and none of us watched it a lot, so it’s not like they could immediately associate bad influences or feelings from it. But when I told them that what I’ve noticed so much since we removed it is how it was like a door or window in our protective circle, that it presented an invitation to the evils and dangers of the outside world into our home - our very own living room - they seemed to catch a glimmer of the concept. I told them the biggest danger is how subtle it really is because I didn’t clearly see or recognize it until it was no longer there.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that T.V. is evil and we should all ban it, but I am acknowledging the influence it has on us as well as the use of our time. I’m trying so hard to teach my kids the kinds of values and morals that I feel are important: modesty, morality, honesty, kindness, gratitude, and work to name a few. It’s a daunting task as I’m still working on all of these traits myself! Yet, if you look at just those I listed you quickly see how the majority of all programming counters every single one at various levels constantly displaying images, stories, action and drama of their opposites and at the very least takes claim to the time we might spend working on other things. I don’t need that kind of help. The danger with this device is how gloriously subtle and addicting it is. The beauty is how one simple decision could have such a powerful and positive impact on our family. We still have plenty of influences in our home, in fact my daughter still watches the occasional show of her favorite Disney series online, we still have movies and video games and we obviously still go to the movies but by removing the constant presence of the T.V. we strengthened our family’s protective circle. Who knew?

There are countless other protective circles and security measures we as parents need to address today. What are some of the ones you’re working on?

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Okay, normally I’d be putting up a Wordless Wednesday picture and making the rounds today, but as I’ve put off blogging for the last 5 days to finish a book series (you should read the Twilight series if you haven’t already…especially if your a woman!) so today I wanted to dig right into catching up and conversing.

I was just driving home from taking my son to school and I heard such a funny song that I started laughing out loud in my car. I was flipping stations, in an effort to avoid talking and commercials, when I heard this country song describing an adult male living at home, 5′3″, overweight who starts to describing himself “online.” I busted up at the picture in my head of the same guy on My Space who was 6′5″, 6 pack abs, rich, and the catch phrase of “I’m so much better online.” I don’t know if Brad Paisley wrote the song or just sings it but the author should get a 5 star comedy rating for the lyrics.

It got me thinking about my recent push to make my blog more reflective of who I am and how easy it is to use technology today to boost your confidence. Sometimes the boosts are real and other times they’re not like the song, but either way there’s a power there. The first time I had a professional writer tell me that I was a great writer I flushed with the compliment. I enjoy sharing things, I always have but I never thought of myself as a good writer before that comment and it really boosted my confidence. Then I got a great review for a poem I submitted to an online poem organization and the response to publish it was so positive that it boosted me too. Neither of these things would have happened without the power of the Internet. Okay, maybe that’s too extreme to know but I do know that I wouldn’t have been beating down doors pursuing a writing career so it’s unlikely I would ever have received feedback about things I’d written.

My husband jokes with me that I must have taken some communication or speaking classes in my former life. He says I’ve missed my calling as a public speaker. I’m not sure about that but I do love to talk! Sharing and presenting is a bonus for me. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t received some warm feedback from many people in many places when I’ve shared my thoughts in text. It’s part of the reason he pushed me so hard to start blogging I think. He seemed to think people might actually read or even care about things I might have to say or share. I thought he was nuts but then I come across fun surprises like this:

“I’ve a passion for Books and keep looking for good articles. Today, I checked if I could find more info by entering ‘health parenting’ in Google and found this:”

The result is some text from one of my articles. I was a bit dumbfounded. I don’t know who the author of the blog is but to say it was a boost to have someone stumble across something I’d written with this description is an understatement. I mean, someone was actually out looking for something good, found something I wrote and is now asking for feedback/discussion on it. That was cool. No, that IS cool.

Here’s to things better online. *grin*

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