I’ve had reason to reflect lately on the difference between knowing what you think and thinking what you know.

A tongue twister and brain bender to be sure, but it’s really not that hard a concept to grasp. Most of us think what we know, we don’t actually know it. I say this because most of the information we absorb isn’t neutral fact, but rather disputed opinions and beliefs. I’m sure this is where the wisdom came from the concept of “taking it with a grain of salt” which to me always meant remembering that there’s room for error.

In no arena does my tolerance, or lack of, for this problem reach boiling point faster than in the social realm. It seems that some people have so much time and energy to waste that their entire existence appears to circle around the discussion of things they think they know about others. Perhaps this is the real definition of gossip. It may not always be intended to slander another or scar their reputation or name but the result is inevitable. It is the very spirit of rumor and mischief, of discord and strife.

Have you ever paused to listen to the way so many people speak today? Listen closely and I’ll bet you’ll hear what I hear. The absolute resolution in their voice is unmistakable. They often speak as if they were not only there when the event unfolded they are discussing, but they take on a film director’s role, doing all they can to ensure the proper level of emotion and interpretation are present during their story telling. Many throw in impersonations from facial expression to voice inflection throughout the dialogue. It’s astounding. Some people must have a lot more time than me or they have found a secret, time traveling transporter allowing them to pop in all over the globe to witness these stories and events.

Equally disturbing to me is the level of absorption from the listening party who takes in every detail as pure truth. Not only do they believe it completely, but if riled with enough passion they’ll quickly assume the ranks of story teller themselves sharing the same story to a new audience. It has to be one of the greatest vices of the human race. The wake of destruction is greater than that of any Tsunami or other natural disaster, yet the only tool required for success is a sharpened tongue willing to spread the disease. I can’t imagine any other force that can so swiftly or completely spread the work of destruction.

Every story is just that - a story. It is painted by the author and thus framed by the personal interpretations and character traits of the artist. Facts are seldom presented and even when they are there is so much cloud cover to sift through that they end up distorted. You may not be able to control what others choose to share, but you have complete control over what you choose to listen to, believe, and more importantly repeat. I think there’s wisdom in taking time to determine if you think you know something or if you actually know what you think.

And in review of my blog, this is a topic of which I obviously have a strong opinion! LOL

Point of View Truths
If You’re Going To Write
What’s In a Name?

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I love history. The more I learn, the more I love. This week I’m reading The American Lion, Andrew Jackson in the White House. As soon as I saw this book’s title I knew I wanted to read it.

As a young girl, my sister and I would listen to dramatized tapes going to bed. We had all the scripture stories and in our later years we got the American history set. The Andrew Jackson tape was one of my favorites. I can still hear the voices and repeat the lines shared between a young Andrew and an angry British military officer over his refusal to shine the man’s boots.

“Sir, I’m a prisoner of war, and prisoners cannot be forced to act as servants to enemy officers.”
“You’re not a prisoner of war, you’re a rebel and traitor and…”
“And I will not clean your boots!”

Then there was the sound of human anguish as the angry officer slashed at young Andrew with his sword. The memories are as vivid in my mind now as the images that flashed through my mind then.

Fueled by my memories, I’ve jumped into this book. It is interesting to me to read it on the heels of our most recent presidential election. There are many similarities that could be made. According to history, Jackson was the first president to be referred to as the people’s president and his presidency brought about great changes. He was the instigator of the democratic party with an avid belief that the power belonged with the people.

What strikes me though is how obvious it is to me that with the passing of time the memories and stories become clouded, fuzzy and even romanticized. There is an unwritten assumption by most people that our early history was a time of greater civility, less politics and better morals. The truth is, all the same problems existed then that do now in these areas we just have more people and a more assessable media. Reading about the political stories behind early leaders of this country leaves no doubt that politics have always been played out in the wings. In fact, Andrew Jackson blamed the ferocity and meanness of his 1828 election campaign as the reason for his wife’s death. I think the human appetites and hunger that plague the human spirit have always been present and always wreaked havoc on mankind when given the upper hand.

I like learning simple things like the fact that Andrew and Rachel never conceived a child and became parents to two through adoption. I didn’t know that and it strikes a personal chord with me. These simple stories and details help me understand historical figures better and makes them more than a name on a page.

I like reading facts of things that happened without personal opinions leaving the reader to make their own determinations of all the good and the bad. I like being reminded of things I’m sure I heard in school but had long since forgotten. Things that now have more meaning to me like how the civil war sparks were flying hot with South Carolina at the time Jackson was elected…more than 30 years before the war broke. I find myself asking the same question of him that I did of Obama, which was why you’d even want to be president coming into a term when there are so many big problems and unrest. To really appreciate the situation at the time Jackson became president you have to put a few critical pieces in place: The time of war and unrest with the Indian nations was at its peak, Florida and the majority of the west were still under foreign control presenting a constant worry of attack, the new nation was still in its infancy determining what roles the federal government would and should play, and South Carolina’s growing push for secession fueled by their success of ignoring a federal law they didn’t like many years before - an action that had been purposely unaddressed so as not to cause more problems. As if those big ticket items weren’t enough, Jackson experienced problems within his leadership circles when his own Vice President, Calhoun, resigned to head up the rebellion and hopeful secession of South Carolina, sharing and spreading the view that state right’s were more important than federal ones. Now I ask myself, who wants to take on that kind of mayhem? And yet he did, the nation was secured and still functions today because of it.

I think the past gets fuzzy. I think it gets clouded with the formation of political parties and definitions, a travesty in my opinion. Some of our best presidents like Lincoln were of parties newly formed, some short lived. The party didn’t define the leader then anymore than I believe it does now. I don’t think where we are today is that much different in regards to serious crisis and human problems than it was many years ago. I think we experience the problems we do because of human will and spirit and we triumph those problems for the same reason. I think there’s more lessons in history than we may recognize.

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This morning I’m sitting here taking in typical news headlines and reviewing the continual problem that plagues our nation and others today: Responsibility, or rather the lack of it.

More and more I see a world where there are no grown ups and a game to see who can beat all the things related to the process. One can scarcely make it through a single day without seeing at least a half dozen ads for products that claim the ability to skirt the side affects of aging skin and that’s to say nothing of all those that entice adults to act like adolescents. The message is clear - being ‘young’ equates to no responsibilities and only good things - eat, drink and be merry someone else will clean up. In short, being young is the most overused excuse in the book for people big enough to know better justifying their actions, whether it’s for poor decisions regarding their health to bad behavior. And yet we wonder why we see headlines like revered Olympic champions engaging in drug use. We even help frame the responses in excuses of youth as if that would make a decision more acceptable like Michael Phelps:

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

There is so much I could say about this, but let’s start with some positives. 1) He accepted responsibility for his choice. 2) He recognized the true nature of his choice. 3) He understands that his status results in high expectations especially in that of role model and 4) he apologized. There’s a hint of number five in there with a resolve but I can’t make myself list that for some reason. Maybe I just don’t know him well enough or I’m a stickler for actions speaking louder than words so need more time for that one to be on my list of positives.

At any rate, in this way I only hope I can teach my children the same critical lessons of life.

The big negatives for me in this are the framework of the “young” excuse and the reality of how critical expectations can be. To me the excuse of being young falls flat. People with two numbers in their age can’t use that crutch the way those with only one can and they shouldn’t. It’s a stupid reason to do dumb things and it can’t erase the personal responsibility of our actions.

And what of expectations? Well, in short I find that people often live up to or fall just short of them. This is good news if they’re high, but what if they’re low? How many people are swept aside simply because no one expects anything from them? Is it any wonder that there is so little accountability and responsibility? Michael Phelps is not the majority of young adults. What of all those who don’t feel the pressure of high expectations? The average, lost in the daily shuffle folks who make up the majority. Who do they answer to for their bad decisions? What reasons do they have to care? These answers are important because they represent the molding process for character. When you understand why you do what you do you’re on the path to self mastery. And it’s on this journey that you learn that no one can make you do, be, say or feel anything. You make your own decisions simply because you do or don’t want to. The consequences of those decisions may curtail freedoms and future choices but that doesn’t change the reality that the choice itself was ours and ours alone.

This hits a big nerve for me and one that my husband and I spend a great deal of time discussing. It’s the constant battle of helping your children learn to make good decisions on their own and for the right reasons, of knowing when you’re doing too much or too little. I know my kids have to make good decisions because they want to and not because they feel that they have to. I know I can’t be there every minute of every day to help guide them in making right choices. They have to learn through their own experiences, just as I did. I just hope I’m doing enough to arm them with the right tools and that they will be enough in a world that screams irresponsibility.

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I was reading through the inaugural speech of President Obama and this section really struck me. It is full of powerful, positive visuals:

“Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished.

“…Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

“…All this we can do. All this we will do.”

So often in my life I find myself making things harder because I view my circumstances with a focus on the things that changed, and often not for the better. I forget to remember those important things that haven’t changed, those most intimate pieces of who I am and what got me as far as I’ve come. I was impressed with the President touching on this. What got me here may not get me there, but it most certainly is the springboard and foundation for it.

I pray that the positive energy and spirit of today will live on in the hearts of people everywhere, long after the sun has set and the signs of today’s inaugural event are swept away.

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At least that’s what they tell me. I was just reviewing my blog and noticed that this month marks the third new year of me blogging. The first year I shared a picture of my little boy on his new Christmas bike and a typical goals post. The second year I shared a kick start of recent accomplishments - which I’m sure was my way of trying to jump start my personal motivation to keep things moving. This year? Well, honestly I’ve been stuck in first gear since the new year found it’s way to my calendar. That doesn’t sound very much like third time’s a charm does it?

I’ve been sitting here this morning trying to define what’s been keeping me from feeling like I’m picking up positive speed so far this year. I don’t have the typical excuse of winter blues in the traditional sense of cold and snow. In fact, this morning I went out to take a picture of my neglected but growing garden for an upcoming class this weekend.

I say neglected because I haven’t done anything with it since October, no weeding, not even watering as we’ve had a wet winter here. Yet the cold tolerant plants continue to thrive and even make progress, even if it is slower. Then it hit me. You don’t have to be moving at full steam ahead to be making progress or succeeding.

Yes, there is what feels like an Everest list of projects I want to complete or get started. Focusing on them makes me feel like I’m failing or “stuck” but after contemplating my garden this morning I realized maybe I’m looking at the wrong thing. Maybe I need to spend my energies evaluating the concept of progress in general, no matter what speed. Maybe I’m in a winter garden season at the moment, a time when progress is slow and steady with less need to weed and water. There will be a season for higher maintenance as well as another for harvest and yet another for re-seeding. Funny how something as simple as a garden can help you find some answers in life.

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It could be my getting older and less tolerant, it could be my getting older and gaining wisdom, or it could just be the influence of Star Trek. Whatever it is, I find that my views of things in life are much simpler and more logical than they used to be, as are my reactions. I think this is a good thing, although admittedly it can cause some strife for those surrounding me. After all, it’s maddening to argue with one who remains even tempered and logical. Like the engineers in my workplace years ago who groaned when they’d coming running to me with an urgent crisis only to hear me calmly say, “A lack of planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine.” Oh the eye rolls and choice words that ensued. *giggle* However, I trained them well for it wasn’t but a few months of that when they’d come in and stop themselves mid sentence and start repeating my mantra. It was amazing how many of them could find their own solutions.

However, it wasn’t always so for me. In fact, I used to be the kind of person that Ferris Bueller describes of his friend Cameron and his ability to produce a diamond. I was so easily stressed about every little thing that I’d often put my physical health at risk. And all over silly things too. I was that kid who would have a heart murmur if they missed turning in an assignment - a prevailing attitude that stayed with me through everything I did in my life well into my early twenties. The first time I heard the phrase, “Don’t sweat the small stuff - and it’s ALL small stuff” I went into instant argument mode. Now I’d be one of the first to repeat that truth.

I see this simple and logical influence in other aspects of my life. Last night at dinner my husband and I commented on how low our tolerance has become for TV distractions and how glad we are to be rid of its influence in our home. We’d gone out to eat and the restaurant had so many TV screens up with various programs that none of us could carry on a simple conversation. We left feeling edgy. And earlier that day I’d shared how because I don’t run myself ragged with a million after school events and volunteering (all while balancing it with a work schedule) I have even less tolerance when extra events do pop up on my calendar. It’s the proverbial snowball and the saying that less is more is proven true over and over again.

Today I was reading some headlines about the economy and how even those who can afford to do more this Christmas season are holding back and spending less. Some feel guilt, others are just worried. I’m all for frugality and saving, and I do agree that a great deal of what’s happening in the global economy is a much needed adjustment from extravagant and needless spending habits. But I see this issue from a more Spock like perspective. The panic attack attitude feeds continuing damage. When everyone retreats into their corners hording their reserves they continue to starve the already depleted economic streams which result in more cutbacks, more job loss and more financial woes for our friends and neighbors. When will people realize that no one can tell them how to feel or more importantly the power they have to make good their own lives and those around them? The current economic strain is what it is because that’s what people are choosing to feed.

So perhaps I am becoming a Vulcan. All I know is that the most logical and basic answers seem the most appropriate to me. I think that the majority of the stresses we feel in our every day lives are of our own doing and accepting. The good news is that means we also have the power to fix it.

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I have a favorite saying that goes something like this: You teach people how to treat you.

When I first heard it I felt my muscles stiffen. It was so harsh and unfair, surely it couldn’t hold much truth. However, my efforts to prove it wrong ended up only proving how true it really is. It’s as if we hold a mirror up with our actions, words and decisions. Those around us will quickly learn from those things and will often throw them back at us, usually at the most inconvenient times.

I once heard a mother calling to her then nine or ten year old daughter to come into the house from play. The child didn’t want to come in and some arguing ensued. As I had recently been instructing teachers on improving their teaching skills, I was keenly aware of this concept of teaching as well as others. What I’ll never forget is the way the mother responded to the child’s exclaims of not wanting to. I heard in loud tones the words: “I don’t care what you want! This is what we’re doing right now!” I immediately pictured this same scene in future years, though reversed. A time when these words of ‘not caring what you want’ would come back to haunt this mother and she’d be stunned wondering where on earth they came from.

As with most things this concept is much easier said than done, but that doesn’t make it any less true or important. Perhaps if we stopped once and while to think about how we’re teaching others to treat us it would impact our actions, words and decisions. It seems like a reasonable start to improving ourselves and our character.

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My friend Kelly has challenged her readers to participate in defining their view of responsibility for her Pass The Torch Tuesday project and as responsibility is huge with me I knew I couldn’t pass this up. So I’ve chosen to define what a responsible parent is to me.

I don’t have a perfect little definition paragraph for an answer. I only have my reasons for knowing it’s important, my personal experiences with it and my goals and direction as a parent.

Given that I believe that we live in a society that is largely lacking responsibility, I think the root of the problem is found at home in the way children are taught or not taught to be responsible. This means the parent must be responsible too for you cannot give that which you don’t have.

Some would say that my judgment of society is harsh. If you wonder why I think our society is largely irresponsible I ask you to look around and see how many people spend valuable time, resources and energy playing the blame game, excusing themselves or their actions, caring only about themselves or any combination of all these attitudes. We have become masters at believing there is always an escape, at believing that only ourselves matter. Just look at one simple example of the controversial topic of abortion. Look at the energy and resources spent arguing this consequence. It isn’t even viewed as a consequence of a previous action or decision, it’s disguised as an issue of choice.

I was taught that you can choose your decisions but not the consequences. That for every action and decision there was a corresponding consequence. This is at the top of my list of important elements in teaching my children what responsibility means. The world will not teach it. In fact it seems to me that society today cultivates an attitude of acquiring skills to aid them in attempted side-stepping of the consequences of their actions. Some even believe they’ve succeeded. I believe with every fiber of my being that no matter how long you may delay a consequence it cannot be erased and often the harder one works to eliminate it the longer the trail of additional offenses and consequences will follow.

Further, I was taught the the right for me to swing my fist ends where your nose begins. This is another critical principal to me as a parent to teach my kids. This means you have to think about someone other than yourself, you have to learn how to respect yourself and others in every sense.

The hardest part of all this as a parent is not just the burden of teaching your children correct principles and moral values, but more importantly how to let your children have the experience of making their own decisions to learn the consequences for themselves. Because at the end of the day, the true teacher is experience. The close shadow to this teacher is that of example and truly the lessons taught are often the ones we don’t even realize we’re teaching. Do as I say and not as I do never works. No, this as in all things has to start from within.

I don’t have a Harry Potter wand or a crystal ball to help navigate these troubled waters. But clinging to the principles that are most important to me will help me charter the course. I know that patterns of behaviors don’t correct themselves, that what you feed is what grows. I know that I want my kids to understand the most basic and fundamental principles of responsibility that I was given as a youth. So for now I can only charge ahead to the best of my ability to teach them personal accountability and basic respect. And a little positive motivation from time to time can help a great deal, now where’d I put that chocolate?

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No, I’m not talking about the health related ones, though they are no less important. I’m referring to the communication and interaction aspect of strokes. A stroke of a knife can cut the flesh, but the stroke of words can cut the heart. Physical hurts heal even though some may leave their mark in the form of a scar, but emotional wounds to the heart are another matter entirely. Yet we are far more careless with our words than we are with physical influences. Why is that?

Too often we speak without thinking. Too often we share our views and opinions without solicitation. Too often we disgrace the name and reputation of others with gossip and rumor. Too often we use verbal harshness to get what we want. Too often we desecrate the name of divinity. In short, too often we tear down instead of build up.

Words are indeed powerful. They have the ability to lift, raise, beautify, comfort and nurture. And as with all things they have the opposite abilities as well. When you think of the simplicity of a name much can be learned. To hear your name spoken in the positive tones makes your heart soar with pride and security. I don’t have to write the emotions that are invoked when you recall hearing your full name called in “that tone” because you know exactly how it made you feel. Is it any wonder that one of the first commandments given was not to take the name of the Lord in vain? Yet that is trampled under the feet and tongues of men today as much as every other harmful tool of verbal power.

I was struck by a talk on this subject a few years ago. The stark comparison of the speaker who spoke of how the same mouths that spoke prayers and sang praises in beautiful song would yell or speak unkindly. I thought of my own voice and my own tongue. I thought on how I frequently use both for praying and singing but never thought about how I used them in defiling and damaging ways. The title of the talk was “The Tongue of Angels” and to say it left it’s mark on me and my heart would be an understatement. I’ve been keenly more aware of my words and although I’ve got so far to go I’m now on the journey of improving my tongue.

You’ve heard the saying many times “different strokes for different folks” and it’s the truth. I’ve recently been teaching charm classes again and it brings to the surface so much of this topic as I strive to teach my students rules of engagement and common courtesies. Then as I was out catching up on some blogs last night I watched some video clips of a recent blogging convention. My eye was caught by the familiar scene of the convention center room with round tables in hotel ballrooms, their chairs occupied by people of all types, but what captured and held my attention was the one that sat at a table without a laptop. It was a stark reminder of how keystroke minded communication is these days. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that many of the people in that room where having conversations with one another, maybe some even at the same table but with instant messaging, e-mails, comments and blogging. Nearly every person in the video clip had a laptop on the table or in their laps, and it’s why the one who didn’t stood out. Our teens may not carry their laptops around like their adult counterparts yet, but they do carry around their phones and I’ve known many a youth who was having a conversation with the person next to them using their thumbs instead of their mouths. It’s an interesting phenomenon that bears both pros and cons.

On the pro side, I personally find that typing more has made me more aware of my words. When I write something, I go back over it many times and find several places where I edit, re-edit, scratch entirely, etc. The result is that I’ve been fine-tuning my communication and presentation skills. I have to think things through before I commit them to text and sometimes just seeing them in text and re-reading them sheds new light too. I have seen a stark improvement in my writing since I began blogging two years ago. Another advantage for me is the ability for my words to keep up with my thoughts thanks to hands and a mind that learned how to type. And I can do it without writer’s cramp, white-out or an eraser. (A post for another day is a rant on how many people, especially youth today, don’t acquire this skill. Hunt and peck methods were never efficient, but in today’s world I can’t hardly imagine the person keeping up without this skill.)

On the con side for me are many of the opposites. While it is considerably more efficient for me to communicate via text it is far less personal. I find it takes concerted effort on my part to continue working at other communication skills of speech and conversational interaction. I worry about the new generation who are not being taught verbal communication and social interaction skills. Another downside is the ability of doing things because one can without ever questioning if one should. And here we are full circle back to the double edged tongue.

Whether in keystrokes or voice, our words have great power. My goal is to make my strokes those of love and kindness in the lives of those around me. It’s part of working on my life, the masterpiece.

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Get it right. Don’t leave yourself standing on a rug that begs to be pulled out from under you. This goes for more than writing, it goes for everything in life. Do your homework, make sure you know what you need to know before you stand on a soap box or any other form to state your case and opinions. It’s just good sense and it doesn’t matter how big or how small your audience or your reach is.

I’ve always been perhaps a little overzealous in my personal life to make darn sure I’ve covered all my bases before I start running. My boss once even told me to remind him never to get on his bad side or cross my path after observing my work for a year. He also told me that he had no problem seeing why I rose so quickly from secretary to regional administrator. It was a nice compliment, especially given that I was not yet 25 years old when I got it.

So where does it all start? Well, I can tell you I wasn’t born with it and I wasn’t handed these traits on a platter. I had to work hard, maybe even harder to gain respect in my job because I was so young. I know some of what I write about on this because I live it every day, I’m not perfect at it but I continue to nurture it every day. My husband has dealt with a lot of the aftermath of me being overly analytical sometimes and worrying about those things. I told you I haven’t perfected it, but I can tell you it’s very strong in me. I can tell you that it involves a great deal of thinking things through from every side, angle and perspective possible. It involves keeping a level head, taking time to set aside initial emotions and reactive thoughts. And it’s what makes me crazy when I see others spout off in various forms without a care or thought about whether what they’re writing or sharing has any foundation or if it’s just reactive vomit that negatively affects others. The recent garbage floating around with political mud slinging, polygamist sects and religious slandering makes me cringe. There’s no point to spreading the muddy water around and you can’t get into the mud without getting some on you. Yet time and again people everywhere jump in never realizing most of it is unfounded, false, taken out of context or exaggerated to gain attention. But it was ever thus.

In two of my favorite classics, “The Count of Monte Cristo” and “Les Miserables” you are introduced to two powerful characters who pride themselves in being servants of the hands of justice, upright and just men. In The Count you meet the unfortunate Villefort, and in Les Mis you meet the also unfortunate Javert. Their ultimate undoing is the unveiling of hypocrisy. For Villefort he realizes in his most desperate moment what a hypocrite he has been most of his life and he goes crazy with the realization and aftermath of his actions. For Javert, the battle is free from personal hypocrisy but he commits suicide when he realizes that to uphold his beloved law would be immoral. Both were extremists, not unlike many people today. It’s the very reason I bring them up. Today’s Villeforts and Javerts run around under the same cloak of blind following. And at the end of the day a blind follower is left with little more than anger and vindictive venom when they realize their pursuits have been vain. They strike at anything and everything, most especially at anything resembling the origins for their initial beliefs or thoughts. In short, they leave themselves standing on a rug which begs to be yanked out from under them.

So I line up my ducks - to a fault sometimes, I admit - before I do anything else. And I really wish others would do the same. Today’s world offers so much to so many. Technology and the Internet make it possible fore every person to be “published” and to read more content on every subject imaginable than one could hope to have time to sift through. Yet, in general we are still married to the idea that if it is in print it must be true. Therefore, misinformation, scams, hoaxes and more continue to run a muck as the muddy streams trickle from source to source. Few if any make the arduous trip up the mountain to the source to learn for themselves what is truth. It is only those who do that find true conviction and peace in their beliefs and knowledge. It’s also why the world is so full of angry people I think.

So I end with where I began. If you’re going to share or write (especially commit it to text) get it right. Follow the first rule of authors everywhere: Only write what you know. Do you’re homework, go to the source, find out for yourself. Enough of all this muddy water.

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