Sometimes sayings and quotes take root in my heart and plant themselves. Sometimes they’re meaningful, sometimes they’re silly, sometimes they’re even misquoted but none the less when something strikes me they become permanent fixtures in my thought garden. One of these includes the advise that when you truly love something you must let it go. If it comes back to you it’s yours to hold and love forever. If it doesn’t, well the opposite holds true. I don’t remember when or where I heard it but something about it stuck. If you ask my husband today, he’ll tell you it stuck with him too because I hit him over the head with it over 16 years ago. *wink*

It was Christmas Eve of 1991 and we were sitting in his car in my parent’s driveway. I wouldn’t look him in the eye, didn’t want my tears to betray me. I’d made it through the entire anguished evening with his family; endured all the little jokes about future grandchildren and how promising things looked for it with fake smiles and quiet nods, not one tear or indication of how hard it had been to sit there. I’d have been smiling with them under different circumstances - I’d have been smiling if it’d been only a few weeks earlier.

It had been anything but a typical courtship covering a thousand miles, hours of phone calls and daily mail. This was the second time in two months when he expressed feelings of uncertainty. My heart was done with the yo-yo. There had been so many confirmations of this being what he wanted and yet there was this nagging concern that caused him to keep his distance just before he’d see me again, his conviction giving way to fear and uncertainty. Commitment can do that to even the best of men. Now the pattern was repeating from the Thanksgiving holiday, but in my heart I knew if I handled it the same way it would end on the same happy note and we’d be right back here again just a few more months down the road. No, I was done.

I’d played those words over and over in my head all day, ever since he shared his returning doubts. I knew in my heart it was the only thing to do, to force myself to do. Keeping my head down, I weakly said that I’d heard once that if you really loved something you had to let it go, that if it came back it was yours and you loved it with all your heart forever, if it didn’t it wasn’t meant to be. Silence. I took a deep breath and told him I was letting him go. I choked back a sob and waited for a reaction. It felt like several hours passed before I heard anything.

“But I’ll still get to see you and spend time with you while I’m home on Christmas break right?”

“No.”

I could feel the shock register with him even though my face was turned to the window the tears running freely down my cheeks now. He confirmed at least once more that this was it, that I didn’t want to see him again. I said not until he’d made a decision about us, I couldn’t keep doing this. Then I got out of the car and walked alone to the door. I never turned around.

It’s been 16 years since he made his decision. He told me that after a lot of speeding, emotions and self-talk he’d decided it all came down to whether he could picture a life without me in it and if that was what he wanted. I guess sometimes we all need to be pushed out of our comfort zones to find answers for ourselves, or at least learn which questions to ask.

I’m not sure where the time has gone. I can’t figure out how it changed the innocent and childish faces in the wedding photos to the now middle aged parents that stare back in recent photos. Those early faces were so carefree, so young, so unable to comprehend what marriage and family really meant. The faces that look back at me now have some wrinkles of worry, a glimmer of wisdom, and smiles of true joy. Time is a magical thing.

So to my Blake, I tell you on this wedding anniversary how truly grateful I am that you choose to come back to me. Letting you go then was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We’ve been through many things together that were equally difficult since, but at least we’ve been through those times together. Thanks for coming back. You can rest assured I’ve still got a firm grip and I’ll keep holding on tight.

Other related articles:

To My Sweetheart
15 Years Ago Today
Secrets of a Happy Marriage
The Best Christmas Gift
Why Marriage is Like Computers
What Made Me Fall For Him

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A myriad of thoughts run through my mind at this statement. It applies in so many places. Today I’m paying for last night’s decision to stay up and read until 2:30 AM. I could share how quickly one forgets the life of the independent young adult who frequently stays up late and how much changes when you grow older and your body forgets to recuperate as quickly as it did then. But the real purpose of this post is to share how much I have forgotten in a wonderful book I recently read for the second time.

It’s possible that I was just competing with my husband, or maybe it was just sympathy pains for him, or maybe even it was just the misery of knowing how I don’t sleep when he’s away but whatever the reason I stayed up until just after 2AM this morning reading. He’s on a business trip to NY. I could insert another memory lapse here on how quickly I forget how much I hate being away from him. I’m not one to give way to panic but when the call of his arrival reached the point of being nearly an hour late I started to think about all those things you shouldn’t. So I called his phone but went right to voicemail. I calmed myself saying that his phone must still be off and thus it was probably a delayed flight. This reasoning and my reading passed the next hour without much worry, but as the third hour approached my mind started wandering again. I tried so hard to push my 5 year old’s words to his nightly prayer out of my head when he prayed that if his daddy died that Jesus would be with him to help him. He was probably just trying to find the right way to express his concern through prayer but it started to make me uneasy. I picked up the phone and tried again. It rang. And rang. And rang. Finally he picked up in a soft voice I nearly cried for the relief of hearing it. He asked me if I had not gotten his message to which I replied I hadn’t even checked as I’d had the phone by my side since 9PM and it never rang. He apologized and said he’d called twice and left a message the second time. Now I was the one who felt bad as it was now nearly 2:30AM in NY and he would have to be up and going in only 3 short hours. I don’t know if the phone settings were the culprit or what but I was just so happy to hear his voice and know he was okay I didn’t even care. I sang myself to sleep at about the same time I knew he was waking to start his day. How quickly one forgets the comfort of simply having your loved on by your side and within reach.

After our call I couldn’t sleep as my mind and heart were still racing and now that I knew he was safe those crazy sounds, that only come out when you’re feeling alone and vulnerable in the dark, started. So I kept reading. Just after midnight I’d reached a point where I couldn’t put my book down and had to finish it. What’s really interesting is that I’ve read this book before, and I remember I really liked it. I’ve even seen the movie based on the book and liked that too. Yet, I remembered almost nothing about this book! Almost page by page I was astonished that I’d forgotten this part or that and how the movie was NOTHING like the book. In fact, beyond recognizing a few main character names and general story line of an innocent victim who gets his vengeance in the end, the movie was a completely different story from the famous book. The book of which I speak is The Count of Monte Cristo. It is a popular favorite among high school English teachers and the copy I was reading was in fact the old paperback my husband still had from such a class. I had read this book for the first time about 11 years ago when going back to school for a teaching degree. Our professor had told us that nothing did a soul as much good as reading or re-reading a classic piece of literature at least once or twice a year and thus one of our assignments was to read a classic. I remember being transfixed by the book and loving it, yet these 11 years later I had forgotten nearly everything.

I’m so glad I took the time to re-read this wonderful classic and if you haven’t read it before or if it’s just been a while I strongly suggest you make time to read it. I have so much more to say about it but as it’s time to go pick up my son and this post is already so much longer than I intended I’ll have to save it for another post. In all my forgetting things, at least I can still remember when school gets out. *wink*

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I’ve been thinking for a while about sharing some fun stuff for the guys. I remember reading a bumper sticker that read “Men are from earth, women are from earth…deal with it!” and giggling. Because although there are some ways in which it does feel like we’re from different planets, a closer look might reveal how much more alike than different we really are.

We both have basic needs that we require for fulfillment and satisfaction in a relationship. We need to feel loved, wanted, needed and appreciated. The key is in understanding how the other person defines the methods and answers to meeting those needs.

Dr. Laura contends that for most men these needs are met through feeding their appetites for two main things: food and intimacy; that men are really basic and simple creatures in this regard. In short, feed these appetites and you’ll not only make him happy but yourself too. That may be a bit basic and over generalized but probably not too far off target. If you break down the caring for your man to include such a simple thing as cooking for him, you’re showing pampering and attention that tells him he means something to you. Guys like that and they’ll brag about it to their buddies that their woman is taking good care of them. The bragging and contentment is ten fold when the other need is met.

While I don’t speak for women everywhere, there are few basics that work just as well for me and most women I know as the above do for men. While food may be the easiest way to make a man feel pampered, simple gifts of acknowledgement and spontaneous surprises do that for a woman. If you take the time to share some encouraging and appreciative words for what she does and throw in a few unexpected gifts here and there, you’re showing pampering and attention that tells her she means the world to you. Ladies love this and they’ll brag about it to their friends that their man is wonderful and spoils her. And you know what they say about a happy woman, well suffice it to say her bragging and contentment is also ten fold when the other need - which happens to be the same as his - is met. But that’s another post for another day.

Lest you feel intimidated by the idea of coming up with ways to do what I’ve described let me share a few secrets with you. The first is from my own experience. I once received a beautiful bouquet of flowers. There was no special occassion, no event that brought it on. The note simply read, “Tuesdays are better with flowers. Love, Blake.” Every woman is sighing right now just as they did when I shared this with a few friends and family after it happened. By the way, my sisters and mother have my husband on a seriously high pedestal for things like this, always commenting on how sensitive and amazing he is. The mileage this one act has gotten is beyond description.

But here’s the thing. It really is simple! Start small - make yourself pay your wife or girlfriend a compliment at least once a week on something she does that benefits you both. Thankless jobs of housekeeping, cooking, etc. can be a real wear and tear on the energy and esteem buckets. A simple word of gratitude does much to lift those buckets. Secondly, don’t stress about spending a lot of money on a spontaneous gift here and there. It’s not necessary! Smart marketers would have you believe that it can only be the most expensive and best gifts that will feed a woman’s appetite. The possibilities are endless and I think you’ll be utterly amazed at what a $20 a month investment will return.

For example, if my husband came home one day with this little box I would be elated. And guess what? It’s a whole $7.99. That one gesture would fill my pamper reservoirs for several weeks! Further, this process is simplified by unlimited variety. Jewelry and flowers - contrary to popular belief - are NOT the only gifts for a woman. A simple spontaneous gift can be anything from a nice card, to bath & body stuff, to a handbag and everything in between. The women of the world who require pure diamonds and gold already have a lot of it and can easily afford it themselves. The rest of us common and every day ladies just like to feel appreciated and spoiled sometimes and we don’t care about the price tag!

It really is so simple. Meet the needs and be rewarded. It works for both sides of the relationship.

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I can’t believe today marks the day we were married 15 years ago. What an amazing 15 years it has been. As I reflect on my relationship with you over the years, my mind is filled with memories and thoughts I hope I can share with you. There are also a few things that I’m not completely sure if I’ve ever told you.

First, I forgave you a long time ago for not remembering me in our first class together in high school. Not just because you were a mighty senior and I the lowly Sophomore but also because you took the time to find out who I was when I remembered you and thanked you by name for coming to that high school play I was in a year later. Moreover, once you found out who I was you called and asked me out on a date. I knew you had a special way with me from the first phone call that magically cured me from being sick (my mom gave me plenty of grief over that.) I was so delighted to finally get asked out on a date by someone that was “cool” in my eyes. And just so you know, you’re still the ultimate “cool” guy to me. (I hope you’ve forgiven me for insulting your orange camaro. *wink*)
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Yesterday was a good day. I didn’t get as much done as I wanted (I never do) but some big things did get done. Like shampooing my family room carpet - blech!, having dinner ready by the time hubby got home (I even duplicated my best corn salsa), getting the dishes done and even swimming with my son. But the cherry on top was finding the long lost gameboy under my bed and the missing “Zathura” movie disk. My son got this movie last month and watched it several times before losing it. We looked everywhere with no success. Yesterday I noticed one of the small portable DVD players by my husband’s nightstand and thought to myself “I wonder” and sure enough there it was inside. My daughter’s gameboy has been missing for several months and she’s been praying that we could find it. Needless to say most everyone was happy yesterday!

One of the biggest lessons I’ve “found” of late is the recognition that balance doesn’t mean perfection or everything being finished. I’m amazed at how much better I feel as long as I’m getting a few of those back burner projects finished. They recharge the determination batteries just enough to keep you going and make you smile. Now whenever I feel like I’m going under I’ll tackle one or two things that have been pushed off for forever and find an amazing amount of balance restored.

Tomorrow is my 15th wedding anniversary. I’m not sure where the time went - that is definitely something I’ve still not found! It’s hard to wrap my brain around the concept. I still feel much the same way I did when I was 20 years younger, I wonder if that inner spirit ever catches up with the physical aging?

So what have you found this week?

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Well, I’m back. I left my family on Wednesday for a weekend getaway with my mom and sisters and returned home last night. We’ve never done anything like this before and all of us left at least one if not more children at home with their fathers. Roughly 20 hours (that would be just after lunch on his first day) into the loneliness of single parenthood I received a text message from my husband:

In case you can’t make out the words it reads: “Your life is harder than mine!”

My mom and sister got a serious chuckle out of the message when it arrived. A few hours later I called to check in with him to learn that he’d forgotten to pick the kids up from school. I couldn’t suppress the giggles as he explained how the school had called and told him his children were wondering if he was going to come get them. Today as I dropped off my son I told the teacher I’d heard that Thursday dad forgot to come get them and she started to giggle. She told me how odd it was as that had never happened before so she figured she’d just walk them to the front desk and call. She laughed all the way down to the classroom where she shared the story with a fellow employee. She told me her friend had made the comment that you never send a man to do a woman’s job.

I think my brother in law might agree. Visiting him that night as a dad going solo with his four children was the very picture of frazzled dad after some single parenting time. My mom giggled all the way back to our hotel and told me I should call Blake and tell him if he gets feeling too bad to call his younger brother. Blake didn’t get a day at the office like his brother but he also had two less kids - either way both dads experienced a little more “reality” parenting. There is no way to explain what full time mom at home means, but experience sure helps paint a better picture.

As I get back on top of things I may delve into this topic with a bit more depth, but for now I just had to share one of the world’s greatest text messages for a mom from her husband.

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His perspective:

Sleep is a simple thing. You lie down, roll on your side and fall asleep. The only decision is when to roll onto your side. This should be pretty simple, but if you’re married, you already know that it’s not. You can’t in good conscience roll onto your side in the middle of a conversation. But sometimes you just can’t help it. You may try to keep the conversation going by forcing yourself to respond, but you know that you just can’t hear once you roll onto your side. It just doesn’t work.
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Are there any secrets? Well statistically speaking there must be because the number of people happily married for more than a few weeks these days seems to vastly outweigh those who have enjoyed many a happy year together. And so when I was recently asked what the secret was to being happy for so long with one man in my life I began reflecting to find answers.
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I’ve been spoiled in my marriage and I’ll be the first to admit it. I get flowers on more than one day a year. One of my favorite surprises came on a Tuesday - no particular one, just a Tuesday with a note that read “Tuesdays are better with flowers.” He’s awful good to me.
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